April 23, 1881.] PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI. 185

Ivan. You will not fig-ht me ?
Michael. I will not fight you.

Ivan (ivho has evidently seen Box and Cox). Then come on!

[" Comes on" by himself, thrashes Michael, and goes off with
Aztjcena's niece in Michael's trap. Michael and Nadia
follow how they can, and on we go again in the direction of
Airkootzk.

ACT II.—Telegraph Office near some place that is much spoken
of as " Coaly Van." Another funny scene between the Comic Cor-
respondents. First appearance of Mrs. Vezen", Mrs. Strogoff
(Michael's mother), a Very troublesome person, while Mrs. Bernard-
Beere, still as Azucena's niece in high-heeled boots, whispers to
somebody whom she can trust, "Observe everything and say no-
thing,'' which seems to be her own rule of conduct, as she stops in
corners looking unutterable things and striking attitudes, which,
remarkable in themselves as specimens of poses plastiques, lose some-
thing of their value by not being connected with any particularly
definite meaning. Mrs. Strogoff gets her son into trouble for the
first time. The place is blown up, and discovers a battle-field after
a successful engagement. This scene alone will show that Mr.
Beverley's pencil can draw all London.

ACT III.—Mr. Fernandez in another costume (Plate 3), tries to
terrify the Comic Correspondents, who are then brought before the
Ameer, with whom Mr. Byron is jocosely familiar—the scene being
most intensely absurd from its utter improbability. Boars of
laughter. Mrs. Strogoff gets her son into further difficulties. Of
this troublesome but well-intentioned old lady Michael Warner—
an association of names from Dickens's Battle of Life by the way—
might say :—

"Who was it met me with a shout,
"Who was it nearly got the knout,
And made me get my eyes put out ?

My Mother!

So his eyes are put out at the cruel Ameer's command, and Mrs.
Strogoff swoons. Here the Act should end, but it doesn't, and

A Well-Mounted Piece.

Michael, apparently blind, leaves his mischievous mother for dead
(no such luck), and is led off by Nadia, who now kindly undertakes
the part of the blind man's dog.

ACT IV.—None are so blind as those who won't see, so Michael
turns out not to be blind at all, and his mother to be as lively as
ever and ready to get him into another difficulty, which she does
forthwith. They are relieved from a perilous situation by the Comic
Correspondents, who shoot all the Tartars and take them away—
still towards Airkootzk—on an inconveniently crowded raft. Ivan
sets the river on fire, and we are shown another grand scene by Mr.
Beverley, representing the town after the conflagration.

ACT V.—At the Grand Duke's. Enter Mr. Fernandez (Plate 4),
terrific struggle between Michael and himself : triumph of Michael
and consequent end of piece. What had become of Azucena's niece
we did not learn. Perhaps she was somewhere about, still conscien-
tiously posturing in corners on the stage, but hidden from the gaze
of the audience by the smoke which lingered fondly on the scene ;
or perhaps in the interim she had obtained a good engagement at
the Opera House at St. Petersburg; but no one particularly cares,
and all ends smokily but happily. The acting, where there is any,
is good, but decidedly the Comic Correspondents have far and away
the best of it. Altogether a decided Attraction Engine.

A Club Dialogue.

Excited Club Member (to a friend). I say, wasn't that Tompkins
who just went out of the Club ?

A CONTRACT UNDER SEAL.

First Letter, addressed to a Cabinet Maker.
Dear W. E. GL

Oe course I was very much obliged to you when you made
me a Peer. Still, the position has its disadvantages—it is difficult
to find anyone to quarrel with, and I have been obliged to give up
my bicycle. Under the circumstances, therefore, I think you owe
me reparation. In a word, pay your debt by making me Privy Seal.
I am sure I could make more of it than the Budget, and I am satis-
fied to leave Vernon Harcoijrt at peace (?) in my old quarters at
the Home Office. I will promise not to play the fool this time.

Yours (always the same), (Signed) Bob.

Second Letter, addressed to a Cabinet Maker.
Dear and Right Hon. Sir,

I have not addressed you for some time, because I have felt
that I have not been altogether fairly treated in the matter of
Military Eef orm. If you will be so kind as to carry your memory
back to a few years ago, you will recollect that it was I who
invented the now celebrated Army Territorial mixture. Mr. Chil-
ders at the time, I believe, was all at sea at the Admiralty. But
let that pass. I would merely hint that I believe I can do as much
for the re-organisation of the Privy Seal as of the Soldiers—perhaps
re-organise it away altogether ! Need I say more ?
I write myself, more in sorrow than in anger,

(Signed) An ex-Cabinet Minister in the Lords.

Third letter, addressed to a Cabinet Maker.

Dear William,

"Without being guilty of presumption, I think I may fairly
suggest that my reign at St. Martin's-le-Grand has not been quite
unsuccessful. Now it seems to me that there is a natural transition
from handling a letter to using a Seal. I have noticed that the
" post " (as we would say at my office) of Keeper is vacant. I think
if I am appointed I may very shortly be able to supply the Public
with the article at a rate unprecedented for cheapness. I woidd
willingly resign the Telegraph Clerks too to other hands. But do
not hesitate to say " no " if you think it advisable. You know from
experience that Jean wait. Sincerely yours,

(Signed) Henry.

Circular Reply to the above.

My Dear-,

Is it necessary to say that you are the very man for the
position of Keeper of the Privy Seal ? I really think not! But you
know how dearly I love a good practical joke ! When I am in a
rollicking mood, I cannot refrain from doing something to make
everybody laugh! So I have offered the Privy Seal to_ Carlingeord !
And the best of the fun is—he has actually accepted it!

But here comes the pith of the jest! I have told Carlingeord
that he must carry the Irish Land Bill through the House of Lords !
Poor Carlingeord, it is rather hard upon him! But you must
admit it is a splendid pleasantry !

Yours, most cordially and hilariously,

(Signed) W. E. G.

SPARKLERS.

By Our Oum Diner Out.

Mr. Toole and Sir Frederick Leighton, whose well-known love
of net-fishing often leads them into exciting adventure, were, one
afternoon last week, intent on their favourite pursuit on the
parapet of the Thames Embankment, when Sir Frederick suddenly
tumbled head-foremost into the water. There was the usual rush to
the side, and the President, striking out lustily, and crying for help,
shouted out that he should be drowned. " No, you won t, rejoined
his witty colleague, watching his struggles with evident humour.
" Y"ou won't be drowned. You're bound to be hung, you know.
When this was repeated by the crowd to the Thames Police, who
came up five-and-twenty minutes later, they laughed so im-
moderately that they could scarcely pull the distinguished Acade-
mician out.

" Rectification of frontier at Tunis, indeed! " said Lord Cairns
the other day, meeting Captain Cosset suddenly in the Lowther
Arcade. " How are they to do that, Sergeant, eh ? '

" WeU, mv Lord, they have already got the ' Bay into Straits

*..,.•* . -7 *t i J i n T 1 /~1 ,___. ^, _____il J KnJ- Vine

I > >>

uu just weut oul oi me wau i u cu., ni-y ^u, —-j o~- ~— — a ., , , , , ,

Friend. Yes. Tompkins, Q.C., now he's just taken silk. was the quiet, but brilliant reply. Lord Cairns smiled, but has not

Excited Club Member. Taken silk! Yes, and left me cotton. He's been the same man since; but who he supposes bxamix to oe

just taken my umbrella. Here—hi ! [Rushes out after him. nobody knows.