Punch (81.1881)

July 9, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

HENLEY EE G ATT A.

How to do Henley ? The real proper way is to have one's house-
boat towed up for the week, to do Henley from the muslin curtains, cut
flowers, hot-house grapes, Pommery tres sec, light print, straw hat,
blue eyes, golden hair, "I'll ne'er forget that night in Jooon upon
the Henley river," after-dinnerish sentimental flirtation point of
"view. Live for the week at the rate of sixteen thousand a year.
There is nothing jollier in the world than living at the rate of six-
teen thousand a year, no greater fun than stopping for an unlimited
period with a man who lives at the rate of sixteen thousand a year,
provided always you get out without having your own chattels
seized as "a lodger's." But this luxury was not for me this year.
The only man I know that lives at the rate of sixteen thousand
a year certainly asked me to join his party, and added, " You won't
be dull, as we are going to play ten-pound Nap all night and every
night." Nobody is fonder of innocent yet amusing tricks at cards
than myself, but a house-boat is just the sort of thing one might fall
into the water out of, especially if there were a hulking disagreeable
lot of bad-tempered men on board, who had lost their money to you.

"What a week of parsons this has been! Talk of the May Meetings,
why, the Oxford and Cambridge Match and Henley combined can
give Exeter Hall any amount of start. This way of writing may
sound frivolous, but it is nautical. The beauty of a parson is that
you can call him " a self-opinionated idiot." and without his hitting
you in the eye, on account of his cloth. On second thoughts, I am
not quiie certain whether it isn't the other way round, and he may
call you names, and you mayn't hit him on account of his cloth.
On third thoughts, this doesn't seem to be the beauty of a parson
at all. If all I have been told by the clergy this week be true, there
were thirty-three men in the Cambridge Eleven of 1864, since pro-
moted to good livings, who knocked the Oxford bowling to pieces on
this very ground, Sir : " and in the University College Oxford Eight,
which won the Grand Challenge Cup at Henley in 1863, at least
must have rowed seventeen men who are now distinguished in the
Church. But why be hard on our fellow mortals ; you should hear
some of my University, the University of Heidelberg, stories which
would take even a buyer of shares in the Aly Sahs Wyndoll Cold
Mine all his time to believe.

At last! Am I a member of the Press f As a rule I am ; but
with those handcuffs, leglets, gags, and strait-waistcoats which the
Stewards have provided for members of the Press, I sink my connec-
tion with journalism, [and seek the Thames banks as one of the
general public. Why, it is Ascot!—lobster-salads and champagne !
But no ; nobody cares who is winning, or pays any attention. Why,
it's Lord's on the Public Schools Match days! But no; niggers,
gipsies, merry-go-rounds—why, it is Ascot-cum-Lord's, with Epsom
and the river thrown in, and a Regatta just for the fun of the thing.

No, I have not lunched. Is there a race going on ? Dear me, I
believe there is! Mayonnaise? "Why, certainly." Whyarethey
making all that row ? Oh, Cornell ! Hail, Columbia! But you 're
not in it this time! you can't do everything. Hip, hip, hurrah !
Just one glass of sherry. Thanks ! Really, they are very noisy !
What! a German has won this heat; hot work, very. How well
iced this wine is! The second heat for the silver goblets.
Capital, capital! Whoever designed this pie is an artist. What a
row over—what are they making a row over?—eh, a row over

-Well, it is against my practice, but just one liqueur. Thanks,

very much !—and now, 1 suppose, we ought to see some of this.
What's everybody going away for? Oh, nonsense, it can't be
all over ! It is, eh ? Oh, if they are mild, I will. I have some
matches, thank you. Awful fraud. Never rained the whole day.
Henley without rain, why, it's monstrous ! Shan't come to-morrow
—will go to Stockbridge instead. Henley without rain! Bah!
bosh!! rubbish !! !

HER EXCELLENCE.
{Pits from a Plae Book bound to come.)
To Foreign Secretary, Washington.—{Confidential.)

Had the interview you desired with Lord Granville, who was
charming ; and such a sweet baby that last one of his—he had it
sent over to the Foreign Office by a Queen's Messenger on purpose.
Could not say much about those Fisheries, because I mistook the
documents for curl-papers last night (I am now doing my hair a la
Byron, or our more illustrious Ada Menken). But I have promised
something or other, which I daresay you will hear of.

P.S.—Sir Charles, who is quite smitten, poor fellow! has brought
me something to sign—an excuse for calling. It gives up our right
to Newfoundland fisheries; but they say there weren't any pearls
to be got there. (Signed) _

Semiramis K. Spieekins, TJ. S. Minister Plenipo.

To Foreign Secretary, Washington.—(Private.)

What's the use of saying " Sound Gambetta," when I haven't
got a dress to put on ? And you never sent those waffles and mis-
cellaneous candies, you mean thing ! I didn't mind seeing Bartle
Hixaire, for he's too old to'notice how women are dressed. I
had to give two waltzes to the Due d'AuMALE, although, you said it
was impolitic. He was in such a state, stupid man ! But those
dresses—those dresses ! I can't see G. twice in the same one ! And
—and last time he was on the brink of—an offer! If they 11 ta^e
the embargo off our pork, I '11 accept him.

P.S.—No time for despatches—garden-party and fancy bazaar on.
So send you the papers. They '11 tell you all about everything, and
one of them is so nice about my brocade with the sunflowers.

VOL. LXXXI.

B