Punch (81.1881)

July 30, 1881.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

37

FOR THE HOT-HEADED.

Dr. D. Oh F. Macdonald writes :—" If men would place ferns, or
cabbage leaves, in tbe crown of their hats, or plait rushes, vetches,
or green herbaceous substance of some kind around their headgear,
there would be fewer cases of sun-stroke. This preventive is within
the reach of the poorest peasant, for it costs nothing."

In-fern-ally hot! Cup Hat. Mr. Leafy.

A LAST WORD ABOUT EVANS'S.

Evans's has been gradually disappearing, now it has gone. So
too, alas ! have vanished the days of our boyhood when, on the even-
ings of the Public School Matches, we in Eton jackets visited Paddy
Green, and were treated to potatoes in their jackets too, which latter
were not eaten. Talking of the skins reminds us of the celebrated
Skinner, model of head-waiters, standing at the door in his shirt-
sleeves, and conducting a strict and searching inquiry in the following
style :—

"What have you had, Sir?" "A chop and potatoes," replied
the guest. "Chop and potatoes, two-and-three. Any stout?"
" Yes," the guest would reluctantly admit, " I had a glass or two of
stout." "Two stouts is eight, chop and potatoes three-and-two,
and eight is four-and-four," said Skinner with the rapidity of a
calculating boy. "Any liquors—brandy, whiskey?" Here the
guest would hesitate, and then it occurred to him that he had had
two glasses of whiskey. "And water?" demanded Skinner,
severely, as if it were no good attempting to deceive him. "Yes,
and water," replied the guest, quite alarmed at his questioner's
intimate knowledge of his doings.

Skinner went ahead faster than ever. " Chop and potatoes, four-
and-three; two stouts—eight, five-and-four; two whiskies-and-
water, that's eig-ht-and-four ; and,"—as an after-thought,—"any
bread?" "No," the victim would reply, triumphantly, as though
he had him there, and he was wrong for once. "No, no bread."
"No bread," echoed Skinner. "That's nine-and-two exactly.
Half-a-sovereign ? Thank you, Sir; much obliged. Good night,
Sir," and the guest was pushed forward by the eager crowd of
customers waiting to settle with the indefatigable Mr. Skinner.

Funny place in old times was Evans's ; the supper was good
of its kind, the comic singing was not the best of its kind ; but the
real harmonies of the evening1, " The Hardy Norseman " " The
Chough and Crow" "My Gabrielle" sung by the choristers, men
and boys, were most enjoyable. When Eve was allowed to enter
that Paradise, there was an end of the little Evans's below.

A French. Eviction.

"It is supposed that Don Carlos was ordered to quit France in
consequence of his attitude at a religious ceremony on St. Henri's
day." What was his attitude ? Probably agenouille, but not to
be tolerated by a Republican Government, which, were it strong
and popular, could permit twenty such Pretenders to remain
in France. Communists avoid such "attitudes," and so are not
interfered with. Poor Don Key-arlos !

RULES OF THE RIVER.

{As they Are, and ought Not to be.)

Steam Launches.

As you will go faster than anybody else, you can chaff those you
pass by to your heart's content. Compliment rowers on their cos-
tume, ask them where they get their hats, and how much thf-y paid
for them; give them a few hints on rowing, such as "That's the real
military style of pulling." "Now then, Hanlon, look alive!"
"Jerk it out, old Beefy!" and "Time, Gentlemen, time! Look
sharp there No. 2!"

Should any Gentleman be rowing with his wife, or sisters, or
cousins and aunts, you, still on the going-faster-than-they theory,
must pay them those attentions which are so dear to the opposite
sex. Smile affably at the Ladies, wink, kiss your hand, ask them
whether they enjoyed themselves at the Aquarium last night, and
invite them to throw old Stick-in-the-Mud over, and come on board
with you.

Waste nothing. Even a cherry-stone deftly shot between the thumb
and first ringer at an oarsman's face, may, if it hit him hard enough,
animate him in his efforts and cause him to accelerate his speed.
And the joy with which the patient angler regards an empty cham-
pagne bottle hurled at his float for ground-bait is, as a rule, too great
to be expressed in words.

You cannot be too cautious. You are compelled to whistle while
rounding a point, and before approaching a lock. But don't stop
then. Whistle the whole time you are in a lock. Whistle when
you pass a church, provided it is Sunday and there is service going
on. Whistle at all pic-nic parties. This will cause them to think
that their boats are being run down, and the rapture which will
follow on the discovery of the safety of their craft, will well repay
you, specially if the wind is in the right direction, and the men very
ill-tempered.

Never go too fast. In the daytime the river is crowded with boats,
therefore, for their sake, never exceed six miles an hour. At night-
time, however, when the river is empty, go as hard as you can.
Should anyone complain that his starboard scull is broken, and his
boat stove in, give him the address of the nearest place where the
Royal Humane Society's drags are kept, and tell him, with that in-
effable politeness which should always distinguish you, that you
would be only too delighted to stop and pick him up yourself, but
you must catch the 10*15 train from Hampton Court.

Be very select in your company. Avoid rowdiness. Fill your
launch with quiet, gentlemanly persons, who wear white hats with
black bands on the side of their heads, who will toss for " a bottle "
at ten in the morning, and will take 6 to 4 about anything so long
as the proper price is even money. Be yet more careful about the
Ladies you ask for your trip. Let them be vividly golden as to
their hair, and their faces protected from the river breeze by a
positively lavish use of bismuth, kohl, rouge, and poudre de riz.

Sailing-Boats.

Says that capital little work, The Rowing Almanack, published
by our friendly contemporary and contemporaneous friend, The Field,
" A row-boat must give way to a sailing-boat." So must a steam-
launch. Therefore you can do as you darn please.

Row-Boats.

As soon as you approach the river leave all vestiges of decency
behind. At home you may be, and probably are, an in-bed-by-eleven
young man, and never-get-tight young man ; but forget that. Row
in a costume which, if you bathed in it in France, would bring the
police down upon you in fifteen seconds.

" Sasiety is sasiety," said Thackeray. Belong to a good Club,
and never mind whether it is a rowing one or not. The colours of
I Zingari are tasty. Wear a cap and jacket of them. Should any-
one ask whether you are entitled to do so, ask him whether that is
his business.

The primary object of rowing is health. Therefore_ pull up to
every public-house on the river-side, where you will immediately
take another long pull, and a strong pull. Remember that every
doctor admits that with hard exercise you can take far more stimu-
lants than are admissible to one engaged in sedentary occupations.
Rowing is a sedentary pursuit, by the bye ; but still it is a pursuit.
It is a pursuit of health. You are always trying- to come up with
health well ahead. Seventeen pots of shandygaff, and a variety of
stimulants, can do no one any harm who is in good condition. Be
winning in your ways with Barmaids ; and as " swagger" gives you
an air of real importance, go in for " side "—river-side, of course.

(To be continued.)

A propos do" Temps.—An unusually hot knight,—Sir Donaid
Clrrie.

vol. lxxxi,

E