Punch (81.1881)

October 22, 1881.]

181

HOW TO IMPROVE LONDON,-No. 4. BILLINGSGATE MARKET.

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An excellent Substitute foe, Siiithfield, Coyent Garden, and Billingsgate.

With a strange want of sense and consideration, the Corporation ; trifle with meat, dip into vegetables, and soar amongst poultry. "We
of London and the Metropolitan Board of Works have appointed j have brought a deep water canal from the Thames (it might start at
Committees of Inquiry into our Fish Supply, without seeking the j Gravesend) to our market, so that fish may be supplied from the
assistance of the writer of this article. However, the slight thus vessels from which it is caught. The deep water canal might be con-
offered to me shall not be avenged. In spite of the neglect and dis- structed by M. de Lesseps, and should be a worthy pendant to the
courtesy of the two bodies above specified, I shall not relax my . works at Suez and Panama.

efforts to make London "what it should be—the Pride of England and j On the other side of the picture my young friend and I have
the Wonder of the World. schemed a railway, which should pay a good dividend, and of which

For along time Billingsgate has been a scandal. It must be re- we willingly would become Managing Directors,
moved. So the first task we have before us is to find a suitable site, j Opposite the Fish Market is the Emporium for Meat, which would
Looking at the map, St. Paul's Cathedral seems very central. By ' be well stored with frozen beef and mutton, brought over by the
removing Sir Christopher Wren's master-piece, the whole of i Australian Company (Limited) in large quantities. The reserve of

Cheapside and Fleet Street, Newgate, Christ's Hospital, the General
Post-Office, and all buildings north and south of the centre we have
chosen, for about a quarter of a mile, we unquestionably should
solve the difficulty.

But we have another site ready to hand nearer the more
fashionable part of town. Kensington, nowadays, embraces a large
district. It is bounded on the north by Kensal Green, on the ea"st by
Hyde Park lower, and on the west by Turnham Green. Practically

this food might be used by the lovers of skating, as everything in
our model comestible depot should be turned to useful account. Our
vegetable and poultry markets have extensive grounds, upon which
cabbages and ducks and fowls would be reared with diligence.

In the background are buildings for the use of the salespeople.
My young friend and I have provided a theatre, a tavern, a literary
institute, a church, and a police-station. Thus all tastes have been
equally considered. We have put in a turnpike, partially to show

it has no boundary on the south, but may be supposed to fade away ! that the rights of the Lord Mayor and Corporation have not been
in that direction Fomewhere in the neighbourhood of the Crystal ignored, but principally, I must confess, because we know how to

Palace. "Very well then, pull down Kensington !

Now that we have a nice open site, haft our labour is completed.

draw it. In like manner my young friend and 1 have added a castle.
I did not include it in my original directions, but have consented to

I have engaged a fresh and unprejudiced intellect to design the its appearance at my colleague's earnest request. It certainly looks
plan. He is but a lad at school, and, like his drawing, wants a very well, and as I am given to understand that it has a dungeon
little touching up occasionally. However, it conveys the idea, and under the deepest moat, it might be utilised for the incarceration

is unfettered by tradition and technicalities.

It will be seen at a glance that we are very comprehensive in our
design. My young friend and I are not contented with fish. We

of forestallers, vendors of bad meat, and other disreputable characters.
And now, having removed Billingsgate, I am

The Peri-Patetic.

MORE LIGHTS 0' LOXDON.
Mr. D'Otlet Carte, of the New Saveloy Theatre, who has lately

latest electric novelties and proved, to demonstration that there is no
danger, that the house has never risen as one man—blown up by
electricity—and gone bang through the roof. These nervous people

been very nearly as much before the public as is Mr. Gas Harris will not be tranquilhsed when they are informed that Mr. D OtleT
of Query Lane, wrote last week to all the papers to explain that! Carte himself is seldom seen about without a, Gukn by ins side-
he had " 1200 lights" in his theatre, without sufficient power 0m unless ^ 1S at once explained that this is Mr. D Otlet Cartes
the part of the "Contractors" to light "anything approaching partner, very safe, and not likely to go off suddenly. Come, Mr.
this number," so that an additional engine would have to be D'Otlet Carte, that's what some friend m Dublin might call a
added immediately. "Contractors" are evidently too narrow in i doyleycarte compliment," isn t it P 1 he house is brightly decorated
their views for the breadth of Mr. Carte's Light Entertain- a little to° much in the wedding-cake-sugar and open-tart order of
ment, so they're going to become "Expanders," and give him i ornamentation; but the lighting, when under thorough control, will

another engine. "What sort of an engine?—a Donkey engine with
Carte and horse power ? This explanation, though at first pleasantly
reminding' some fogies (who were boys togeiher,) of the "thousand
additional lamps" at old Vauxhall—Consu/e Simpson—was calculated
to have a deterrent effect on nervous people who, if they can't see
a musical piece, in comparative security, without incandescent
lamps, concealed electric batteries, currents under the stalls, besides
the usual draughts above, and engines working in different parts
of the building, would far rather either stay at home or patronise

effect brilliancy without heat. The construction of the smoking and
refreshment rooms, and of the passages, is decidedly faulty. This,
we hope, will be remedied. Patience ! and all may yet be well.
Another time we will say something more about Patience, in her
new position, smiling at Toto in the Opera-Comique.

some other less improved theatre, until time shall have tested the , rent

We will be Boers ! " shouted the Wexford audience, in answer
to Mr. Parnell's invective. No, no! Be the Pigs that pay the

VOL. LXXXT.