Punch (81.1881)

August so, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM

THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P,

Lord Ch-nc-ll-r. Earl Gr-nv-lle. Duke of Arg-11. Lord C-rns. Duke of R-chm-nd. The Bishops, Earl of D-rby.

Marquis of S-l-sb-ry. Lord Sh-rbr-ke.

MORE " FORMS OF THE HOUSES."

(By Electric Light.)

Monday Night, August 8.—Great thing to have in the House a
Member with a good voice, an impressive delivery, and an orderly
mind. For the large class of Members who do not follow up all
questions, a plain statement from a man of this kind is of inestimable
value. Here's the Goffin case, for example. Been before the House
on and off for some Sessions. Confess that up to to-night, having on
hand much business for my constituency, didn't know what it was
all about. Had a notion that Mr. Goffin was the gentleman who
kept a dust-heap and Mr. Silas Wegg. But Mr. Ramsay, who
knows Sir Walter Scott's romances by heart, tells me that was
Boffin. Gave Goffin up with the unredeemed sorrows of Secoceni,
the unmitigated labours of Llangabelele, and the story of the
wrongs of Mr. John Claee, who invented several things, amongst
others, various opportunities for Mr. Biggar to occupy the time of
the House.

Now know all about Mr. Goffin and his case. Sir James Clark
Lawrence, standing well out on the Bench behind Ministers, and
lifting up his full voice, has put the whole matter in a nutshell. It
seems that Mr. Goffin was formerly employed at the Home Office ;
fell sick; took leave of absence; Doctor saw him, and reported that he
was malingering; consequence was, discharged, losing his position
and chance of pension. On what ground did the Doctor attribute
malingering ? Ha! here's where the story begins to get exciting.
He had, states the Doctor, prescribed for Mr. Goffin, who, at this
stage oi the story it turns out, had something the matter with his
foot. On examining the foot one morning, found traces of iodine.
Doctor knew he had not ordered iodine, therefore, clear case of
malingering. Hence report and dismissal of Mr. Goffin.

" Years roll on." (Wish I could enter in my diary Sir James's
voice and his impressive gesture.) Some papers disturbed. Whether
they were Mr. Goffln's, or the Doctor's, not quite sure. But there
hidden away, not a will, but the original prescription ; and what
do you think was found ? Why, a direction to apply iodine, which
the Doctor had ordered and forgotten ! This proved no malingering,
just as the iodine had proved the offence. Mr. Goffin made appli-
cation to the Home Office to be reinstated. They replied—and here
again the diary loses the advantage of Sir James's flexible voice—
" We never undo what we have done."

This is the case of Mr. Goffin, who very naturally objects to
being charged with malingering, since it is now proved that the
Doctor prescribed iodine.

Am so pleased at having fathomed this case, that I go about asking
Members if they understand the case of Mr. Goffin ; and when they
say " No" (as most do), I tell them. Told Mlndella, who says I
have made a mistake, and that this thrilling story related by Sir
James, has nothing to do with Mr. Goffist, who is a schoolmaster,
and is charged with too great anxiety to get his pupils on. Sir
James, Mundella explains, just remembered it in the middle of his
speech, and thought he would tell the House. But I know better.
I listened to every word of this beautiful speech, and this is what
I make of the case of Mr. Goffin.

Business done.—Talked till two o'clock to-morrow morning ; then
began to deal with the votes.

Tuesday.—Don't think I ever saw a lot of men so completely
knocked over as the crowd in the Smoking-Room, when at half-past
ten to-night someone came in and announced "■ The Black Beetle on
the floor of the House is killed ! " The notion that our own good

Gosset was no more, that we should never look on his cheery
face again, or watch the graceful twinkle of his manly legs as be bore
the Mace to and fro, or danced the stately minuet with Mr. Bead-
laugh, was overpowering. Members sat dumb for a moment, and
then, out of the turmoil of troubled thoughts, broke exclamations of,
"When?" "Where?" "How?" Had there been an entente in
the Irish quarter? Had Mr. Healt "gone for" the Sergeant? or
had _ Biggae pinked him from behind as he sat slumberous in his
Chair ? Or was Mr. Bead laugh's bad arm a ruse designed to draw
off attention, and, whilst the Police thought he lay sick at home, had
he covertly entered the House, treacherously seized the companion
of his saltatory exercises, and slain him before the Mace ?

Immense relief to find it was not our own Black Beetle, the linea-
ments of whose figure Mr. Punch has distributed over the civilised
world. It was a Cockroach of ordinary and exceedingly ignorant
kind. Often heard its old father say that Parliament prorogued in
the first week in August. Of Conservative tendencies ; thought what
had been still was. Like Mr. Lefeot's landlady at Stepney, didn't
take in the daily papers. Knew nothing of the Lords' Amendments ;

was not aware House was sit-
ting. So strolled upstairs,
meaning to have a snooze in
Speaker's Chair. Instead of
retiring as soon as it found out
its mistake, walked up the floor
of the House as if it were about
to take the oath. Outraged
all the Orders of procedure;
crossed between Mr. Pars ell
and the Chair, when the former
was on his legs ; stood about on
the middle of the floor after the
division when order had been
called; behaved in the most
x insulting manner to the Leader

" When Greek meets Greek ! " of the Fourth Party ; ostenta-

tiously strolled in the direction
of the seats below the Gangway, on the Conservative side amid
immense excitement: Land Bill forgotten; Lords' Amendments
as nothing. Was the Fourth Party about to receive a recruit, even
so late in the Session ? Dreadful moment of suspense for Randolph,
who sat nervously stroking his moustache, and looking as if one
more or less were nothing to him. Black Beetle stopped and surveyed
the Party; looked scornfully at Randolph ; winked at Wolff ;
turned up its nose at Mr. Gorst, and then, before the watching
Senate, turned its back, and made straight for the rising hope of the
State, the compact party sitting below the Gangway opposite, in
company with Wisdom, several of the Talents, and all the Virtues.
Here it was slain by the ruthless foot of a passing Member, having
created more visible excitement in the crowded Senate, than did the
introduction of Mr. Heneage's Amendment.

Business done.—Black Beetle Slain. Lords' Amendments con-
sidered.

Wednesday.—OAVTZTsmsK Benttnck in great form to-day. When
I say "to-day" I mean this morning towards cock-crow. Housy
discussing Lords' Amendments dealing with restrictions on gam1'.
Attorney-General for Ireland a little mixed j shows a disposition to

vol. lxxxi.

ii