Punch (81.1881)

August 6, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 49

WEATHER PROSPECTS.

Rather Fresh—Cloudy and Glass Rising—a Light Breeze, Glass Falling—Stormy, with
Cool, but Threatening. with some Showers. much Rain.

Very Sultry—Electrical dis- A Strong Gale, then Dull, with marked depres
turbances of the Hair. settled. sion—Cool and Fair.

RULES FOR GENERALS ON THE RETIRED LIST.

(I.).They will be allowed to retain the seats they have
occupied for years past in the Service Clubs, and will be
permitted to grumble as much as ever over the decadence
of British prestige. (2.) They will not be called upon to
change their opinion about "the Army going to the doose,"
nor will they be invited to cease to believe that'' the Dook
wouldn't have allowed it, Sir, and they wouldn't have
dared to try it on in his day, Sir ! " (3.) They will not be
restrained from joining the Board of any new Company
of Limited or unlimited liability, that is in want of
really capable, useful, and practical Directors. (4.) They
will not be debarred from writing to the papers laudatory
letters of one another. (5.) They will .be permitted to
become county magistrates to the great delight of wife-
beaters, and to the abject terror of starving pilferers of
half-pennyworths of carrots and mangel-wurzel. (6 and
lastly.) If they find their ample leisure very wearisome,
they will be permitted to learn, as a novelty, something
of the rudiments of the science of the profession of which
they were once ornamental rather than useful members.

DRAMATIC NOTES.

The Flats, at the Criterion Theatre, by Mr. Sims, is
very ingenious, a trifle confusing, perhaps, but excel-
lently played, and full of bustling fun, from the base-
ment to the attic. By the way, how good the perform-
ance in the orchestra is here. Why not change the name
of your Theatre, Mr. .Wynbham ? Call it the Laughterion
Theatre, andfomit the " Cri " altogether. At the Gaiety
the full band of the Forty Thieves has returned to town;
the Foreigners haveleft, and the Farren-ers have resumed
their places. Kathleen Mavourneen—we mean Kate
Ma-Yaegilaneen—reappears, of course, as Morgiana.
Imprudence, at the Folly, we've not yet seen; and the
Youth of Messrs. Mebbitt and Haeeis must be enjoyed
while it lasts. Of this more anon.

NOTES FROM THE DIARY OF A CITY WAITER.

As we was rather slack a few weeks ago, I was left in charge of
one of the nicest tho' smallest Tawerns in the City.

I never menshuns no names, fabbylus sums has been offerd to me
to do so, but no, so long as, by your kindness, I am red in the face
of all tJrope, so to speak, I shall decline to give up Litterytoor and
take to Lying in the shape of puffs.

"Well, I was just aranging our comfortable little Coffee Room,
when a Forren Gent comes in and says to me, says he, " Can I have
a nice reel English dinner for 4 in a nours time ? " : Yes, Sir," I
says, " that you can." Yery well," says he, " then I leaves it all
to you, but every think must be of the best." " All right, Sir," says
I, and away he goes. Well, I sits myself down afore the Fire, as I
always does when I wants to think deeply, and then down I goes to
the Cook and gives him my orders. At 6 o'clock sharp in they all 4
comes a talking and a larfing together, but not one word could I
understand. Well, down they sets and I gives 'em reel Turtel Soup,
and then a lovely Turbut and then such a reel English Rum Stake
as no Frenchman ever seed in his own Country, with about 3 duzzen
reel English Native Oysters, and I gives 'em only jest a nice slice
apiece out of the middle, and then a second Stake just off the Fire
just as they was reddy for it, and then lots of Game. They had
Punch with their Turtel, and a bottle of Joe Hanny's Berg with the
Fish, a bottle of our oldest Shampayne with the Stakes, a bottle of
Burgundy with the Game, and just one glass apiece of our 47 Port
with their cheese. I gave 'em for Desert, 2 grand bunches of lovely
English Hottus Grapes, and a dish of reel English Wornuts and \ a
duzzen Peers.

Good grashus me ! how they did talk and how they did eat, and
how they did larf and how they did drink ! They had 3 more bottels
of the 47 Port with the Desert, had a cup of Corffee and a glass of
green Charterhouse, and then the Head Gentleman says to me,

Bring the bill if you please." I am afraid I looked just a little
reddish as I gave it to him, for it come to £10. 5. 0. ! He just glanced
at the foot of it and he says, says he, " Waiter, what's your name ? "
" Robert. Sir," says I, rayther in a tremble. " Well, Mr. Robeet,"
says he, ' allow me to shake hands with you, and to say that you
have given us the best dinner we ever had in all our lives." And
then he acshally shook hands with me ! He then said some gibberish
to his friends and they all stood up and shook hands with me ! and
one of 'em said " Robbee twa cur shame ! " I think he must have
been a sort of Scotch Frenchman, like Squinting Durward, as my
boy William was a reading about last week. Of course I didn't

know a bit what he meant, but this I know, that the Head Gent took
out his purse and gave me two £5 notes and a suvverain, and throw-
ing the bill back said, " I don't want that, and keep the change for
your trubbel! " and away t-hey went, larfing away just as they had
dun all dinner time.

AVell, it's bin my good fortun to wait on hundreds of the gratest
men in the country, Lord Mares by the duzzen and Aldermen and
M.P.'s by the score, but, to my thinking, the finest spesemen of a
Reel Gent, one of Natur's Nobbleems, was the Forren Gent as not
only shook hands with me, a poor umbel Waiter, but gave me 15/-
as he said for my trubbel.

Ah what a World it would be if all Gents was like that Gent!

{Signed) Robeet.

SMOKE!

"Dr. Siemens moved a resolution declaring that the present smoky con-
dition of the atmosphere of London had an injurious effect upon the health
and happiness of the community, besides destroying public buildings, dete-
riorating perishable fabrics, and entailing unnecessary expenditure."—Times.

Ie you ask me why I pine,
Why so pale this cheek of mine,
Why I never feel quite well,
Dr. Siemens bids me tell,
Loss of health, and that's no joke,
Comes from all this nasty Smoke!

If you note my pensive mood,
Why I oft refuse my food ;
While my gown, like my poor face,
Loses tone and wears apace ;
Blame the city's inky cloak—
All this mischief comes from
Smoke !

If you see yon fair Town-hall
Crumbling to its final fall;
While repairs for which we pay
More expensive grow each day ;
Little wonder that we croak,
All that ruin comes from Smoke !

Men of Science ! now we plead,
Help us in our urgent need;
Clear the smoke-clouds off which
faU

Round us like a sable pall:
Savants ! we your aid invoke,
Save us from this plague of Smoke!

"A Word with Alderman Nottage."

The Clerk to the Justices at Guildhall writes to say, that the De-
fendant (in the case we mentioned in our last) was " not taken into
custody for asking a Policeman for his number," but " for resisting
a Police Officer in the execution of his duty." Possibly the same
idea—to the Policeman; and " Justice to the Magistrate,' by all
means, as he can't have too much of it.

vol. lxxxi.

V