Punch (81.1881)

December 31, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 301

FEMALE EMIGRATION TO CANADA.

Miss Leprancer (reading Lord Lome's Speech on the subject). "'The further
West the Young Woman went, the more Offers she got !' Oh, Mamma,
let us go to canada, as far west as possible ! "

ST. THOMAS'S DAT IN THE CITY.

Mr. Punch received last week a formidable-looking
document, signed by Field-Marsbal PoxNTIfex Maximus,
requiring him, by virtue of a precept received Irom the
Right Honourable the Lord Mayor by the Worshipful
James Eiggins, Esq., Alderman, to make his personal
appearance on the 21st of December at the Sessions
House, Old Bailey, and " Hereof he was not to fail! "

As Mr. Punch's personal appearance is somewhat
striking, and not usually seen at such places as the Old
Bailey, although his historical association with the Jack
Ketch of a former period is well known, he naturally
hesitated to obey the somewhat peremptory mandate in
question; but not knowing what penal consequences might
attend his absence, he went.

One of the important matters in which he took part
was the election of no less than six Ward Beadles; and
as these expectant Bumbles were arrayed in the gor-
geous robes of their useful and important office, the effect
upon his unaccustomed eyes was of course somewhat
bewildering.

The Court was densely crowded, and the excitement
and uproar something to remember, when twenty respect-
able, but not strikingly intelligent-looking Gentlemen,
were proposed for the Office of Common Councilman, from
whom sixteen were to be elected.

The chaff and fun were fast and furious, especially
when one rash man ventured to state that one of the new
Candidates was not coming to the Election "through a
sea of Champagne ! " but upon the whole the scene was
not particularly interesting, except as a memorial of the
bad old times before the Ballot deprived Elections else-
where of their rough and somewhat brutal character, and
Mr. Punch returned to his hospitable dwelling neither
a wiser nor, of course, a better man, but wondering how
much longer the Corporation Elections would be allowed
to continue merely as examples of what to avoid.

"a depression is likely to be experienced."*

Why are the meteorological predictions in the daily
papers like the Landseer Lions in Trafalgar Square F
Because they are four casts.

* After reading this Conundrum.

FIDDLING WHILE ROME IS BURNING.

To the Sehlom-at-IPome Secretary.

Sir,—The " Catastrophe at Vienna," as it is now familiarly called,
is an event of such European importance—so far removed from any
suspicion of parochial pettiness—that it will probably excite the
attention of the important department over which you have the
honour to preside. In the fulness of time an official report will
doubtless be made, and the British taxpayer will be the richer by
another Blue-Book. There are people, however, in the world, be-
longing to the class who provide the blood and sinews of Government,
who think that we are already choked with Blue-Books, and grossly
misgoverned by injurious and conflicting Acts of Parliament.

Without waiting for any report, without waiting for the return of
the multitude of talkers to Westminster, who are practically under
the thumb of Mr. Parnell, you have surely heard and read enough
to convince you that our present Licensing Chaos is a disgrace to the
country, and a greater disgrace to those who profess to govern the
country. _ If we spent our money niggardly, and paid our Ministers
and Officials like German Princes or American Presidents, we could
hardly expect to be better treated ; but one hundred and twenty
millions a-year, more or less, ought certainly to provide something
better than higgledy-piggledy legislation.

The only official who has shown a desire to do his duty, accord-
ing to his limited lights, is the Lord Chamberlain ; but who
is the Lord Chamberlain ? A Court functionary, irresponsible
to Parliament, whose duties and responsibilities are now par-
tially shared by the Associated Bumbles of Spring Gardens, and
whose authority hardly extends to one-tenth of the places of
amusement opened and crowded every night in London. Covent
Garden and Drury Lane Theatres, under the gift of Charles
the Second, are beyond his jurisdiction, and four hundred, and
twenty-five music-halls, concert-halls, and theatres, besides these
owe no obedience to his mandates. They are feebly—very feebly—
governed^ by four or five separate authorities—Meddlevex Magis-
trates, Divisional Magistrates, Kent and Surrey Magistrates, the

City of London Magistrates, &c.—but no one troubles much whether
they have proper entrances, extra exits, oil lamps, firemen, double
gas supplies, or no gas at all. And yet in these numerous places of
amusement, under many authorities, but no Lord Chamberlain,
nearly two hundred and thirty thousand people—including children
and idiots—assemble every night to be probably entertained, or pro-
bably burnt, or probably smothered. In four hundred of these
places the entertainments given are probably illegal, as the stupid
and brutal Act of Parliament (25 Geo. II. cap. 36) under which they
are licensed either withholds dancing where dancing cannot be
avoided, or grants dancing without knowing whether it is licensing
floor-dancing or stage-dancing.

Another beautiful piece of pot-house legislation—the " slap-you-
and-put-you-to-bed Act "—to quote Plain-English Hollingshead —
of Lord Nevekdare—does all it can to make many of these places,
and some of the Lord Chamberlain's theatres, as unsafe as pos-
sible, by bricking up the best and most obvious extra exits,
because they may communicate between a theatre and a tavern !
And yet, in the face of this, under an Act of William the Foukth,
there is nothing to prevent a theatre being flooded with gin, while
the Water Companies put every difficulty in the way of its being
flooded with water. Oue authority orders doors to " open outwards,"
while an Act of Parliament orders them to open inwards ; and
generally the muddle and chaos would disgrace a tenth-rate island
governed entirely by red-tape, sealing-wax, and folio-foolscap with
a margin.

It remains to be seen, Sir, whether you can spare time from the
regulation of the Universe, and bring your acknowledged intellect
to bear on what one day will turn out to be a " burning question."
Be warned before it is too late. This pestilent jungle of half-
blind authority, no authority and divided authority must be cleared
at any cost, and it will be better for those to clear it who are paid
for the work, than to leave it to an enraged public or the irrespon-
sible Ministers who are now sitting at the Munching House. Do
something to show that there is still some vitality left in the creaking
bones of the Liberal Party, and that Government is not a lost art ,n
your bewildered country. Ytjxck and Junius.

VOL. XXXXI.

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