Punch (81.1881)

October 8, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 157

OUR ARTISTS IDEA OF THE PIPES PROFESSORS-
SCOTLAND.

A BALLAD OF BALHAM.

A " burglary scare " say the papers, we dream about thieves in the night,
And wake at the slightest of noises, and listen perchance in affright;
We think of bad men with dark lanterns, who come when there isn't a moon,
To pick up a watch or a necklace, and pocket a fork or a spoon.

Yes, this is the burglary season, we look out revolvers and knives,

And sleep with guns under our pillows, contriving to frighten our wives;

And when the poor P'liceman comes round, to try doors and to look at our locks,

"We give him some five or six bullets, which cause a succession of shocks.

For this was the plan of one Kirby, who lives in the Endlesham Road,

At Balham. The P'licemen went near, and brave Kirby proceeded to load,

And aimed at the men he thought burglars, but K. was a very bad shot,

Or the P'licemen, as folks say in slang, would have caught it uncommonly hot.

" There are thieves in the house," said the P'lice, and rushed in on that terrible
night,

And they met the redoubtable Kirby defending the very first flight

Of his stairs; "There's the burglar!" they cried, and the truncheon came

down on his head,
And inflicted a wound on his scalp, so that K. had been better in bed.

"We are told " explanations ensued," which to all must have been a relief,
While the Doctor bound up Kibby's head, as he showed that he wasn't a thief:
And the P'licemen, revealing their numbers, soon proved that they came to
protect,

And rejoiced that the ready revolver had not had its proper effect.

Good folks from this Ballad of Balham may all take a lesson to-day,
Don't shoot at strange men in your gardens in such a promiscuous way ;
And, Constables, pray you be careful, when householders get out of beds.
Don't treat them like Kirby of Balham, and break their respectable heads !

stjbben transformation.

Lorb Hartington, having promised to preside at the annual dinner of Alberman Eliis, since he became Lord Mayor
the Yeovil Agricultural Society, Nov. 4th, has naturally made this mem, in his ! Elect, is quite another man, in fact, he's . Somebx.y
Diary : " W. E. Gr., Leeds;—Myself to follow." ! Ellis."

IN THE PEACOCK BOOM.]
A Variation.

Her blue-green dress on the grey-blue floor
Lay in folds all tumbled and hilly,

Like the waves that break on the smooth sea-shore,
Or the crumpled leaves of a floating lily
"When the rain-drops beat and the wind blows chilly,

And we dawdle indoors and vote it a bore.

Her black curls fell on the black oak chair
Like seaweed tangles that curtain the rock,
Or the skeleton-key as it slips from the lock
When over the coal-pan, left on the stair,
The burglar stumbles—hearing him swear,
You would say that his shin had received a shock !

And she poured it forth from a grey-brown pot
In a brown-green stream, and out of the cup

Into the saucer, because it was hot;
And she whispered thus, as she lifted it up,
" When in the blues—If it is but a sup—

You will mix it green, if you know what's what! "

ANYTHING FOE A CHANGE.

AGENTLEMAN, who has no further use for them, is
anxious to part with, as soon as possible, a couple of
full-sized, ring-striped Dalmatian Battlesnakes (rattles in ex-
cellent condition). Quite tame, and not irritable by daylight.
Can be seen at neighbouring Police Court. Advertiser would
take in exchange a dozen of any well-known Antidote, Ton of
best Sticking Plaster, or Three Months' Medical Attendance.
No objection to small Permanent Annuity.—Direct to Trusting
Tommy, Hospital for Incurables.

WANTED, in exchange for a handsomely finished set of
Early English Ninepins (genuine Lowther Arcade, with
box and balls complete), a 250-ton double-screw Steam Yacht,
with Crew, Captain, full stringed Band, and Provisions for Three
Months, all in perfect condition. No Agents.-—Enclose three
stamps as guarantee, to Little Bogus, P.O., Brixton Eise.

RARE OPPORTUNITY. — Powerfully built, useful,
elegant-actioned black and bay Cob for Sale. Could be
used in omnibus or entered for next Derby. Took part in the
original Charge of the Light Brigade. Long experience since
in first-class hearse business. Eemovable tail. Is circus-trained,
and waltzes in harness when required. Finds its own shoes,
and can run dark ; and thoroughly understands being " got at.''
Would be exchanged for a decent quantity of Petroleum.
N.B.—Invaluable to Restaurant in improving neighbourhood.—
Address, Honos, Jockeying Club, Screw Market.

GREAT BARGAIN. —Piano by Crammer & Co. Fine
upright instrument, merely a little overstrung. "Wants
change of air. Having a double cheque action, offers grand
chance to young Composer without capital. Keyboard missing,
but can be played with equal effect as a harp. Might be made
useful by an enterprising Electric Telegraph or Hair-Brushing
Company. Only parted with by owner on his receiving a
sentence of five-and-twenty years' penal servitude. Lowest
price, £80, of which £79 15s. could stand over indefinitely, at
sixteen per cent. Glad to hear from Chapel of a Lunatic
Asylum.—Jemmy, Musical Department, Portland Boads.

THE INFANCY OF MUSIC.

{Ode and Paid to the Pipes Professor.)

When Music, Heavenly Maid, was young,

With nerves that were not finely strung,

She made a fearful bag of tricks,'

Like awful haggis stuck on sticks.

The sticks she pierced with piping holes,

And blew like bellows blowing coals,

The sound produced (we don't abuse her),

Was worse than Romish Coma Mum.

Such pipes though framed the Scotch to please,

Are not the savage pipes of peace.

vol. lxxy.i.

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