Punch: Punch (81.1881)

July 30, 1881.]

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

41

cheaper. "With. Harcottrt animosity takes a concrete
form. Miniature coffins cunningly carved in wood, are
what the trusty postman brings him, or rusty pistols,
in which the darkling eye peering adown the barrel,
could behold a '' something." Postage on these not being
paid in advance came a little heavy. _ Forster has
merely letters, though not of a pleasant kind. _

" Now is our time : Forster to live, or I to die," writes
the sanguinary-minded Hickle.

" If he doesn't mind," says Forster, " I would as soon
live."

"Yes," says Harcourt, who, even in these circum-
stances of sad comradeship, cannot put matters pleasantly,
" yes ; but this sort of fellow does mind."

Business done.—Considered new Clauses in Land Bill.

Arthur Penrhyn Stanley, Born Dec. 13, 1815;
Died July 18, 1881.

With clear, calm eye he fronted Faith, and she,

Despite the clamorous crowd,
Smiled, knowing her soul-loyal votary

At no slave's altar bowed.
With forward glance beyond polemic scope,

He scanned the sweep of Time,
And everywhere changed looks with blue-eyed Hope,

Victress o'er doubt and crime.
But inward turning, he, of gentle heart,

And spirit mild as free,
Most gladly welcomed, as life's better part,

The rule of Charity.

FROM OUR OWN DODDERESS.

I hear that there is likely to be a change in the per-
petual dark-coloured perambulators for babyettes. I
have noticed several of late which have been painted in
light and gorgeous tints. This is a step in the right
direction. _

Why does not somebody patent a new feeding-
bottle ? Really, the present ones in use are very dowdy
and old-fashioned. Surely some more romantic sub-
stance than india-rubber could be utilised for the
stem of these valuable additions to a bachelor's house-
hold. _

The fashions of girlettes' snoods remain unaltered.

I am hard at work on my little manual, The Bales of
Skipping-Rope for the Nursery, so no more this week
from

Yours girlettelishly,

Selena Anne.

A WORD WITH ALDERMAN NOTTAGE.

Mr. Alderman Nottage remarked the other day,
whentrying a case, that he "was aware that asking
a Police-constable for his number was like holding a
red flag to a bull," and he seemed to think that was
quite a sufficient excuse for a Policeman taking a
Gentleman into custody for demanding his number. Now
if a Policeman is rough or impertinent, bullies some poor
little street Arab, or otherwise misconducts himself, the
only way in which to bring him to justice is to take his
number, and so ascertain who he is. That is the reason
such a proceeding is like a red flag to a bull, and it is a
crying scandal that such should be the case. It is a
scandal also that an Alderman, acting in a judicial capa-
city, should encourage and not severely condemn such a
feeling among Policemen.

Ninety-Seven in the Shade.

Philosophers say heat's a means of motion,
And so no doubt it may be, but, methinks,

Man's not a steam-engine, so I've a notion
I '11 just lie quiet, and have forty winks.*

* Yes, but be won't lie quiet after forty 'winks—that is, if
'winks are as unwholesome as most shell-fish. But perha-ps
this is not our contributor's meaning.—Ed.

THE CHEAP /ESTHETIC SWELL.

{Showing 'ow ' Arry goes in for the Intense—'Eat. Therm. 97° in the Shade,.

Twopence I gave for my Sunshade,

A Penny I gave for my Fan,
Threepence I paid for my Straw,—Forrin made—

I'm a Japan-Esthetic young Man !

LUMPS OP TURKISH DELIGHT.

A simple-minded Bondholder, at the meeting convened to express confidence
in Mr. Bottrke prior to that Right Hon. Gentleman's departure for Constanti-
nople, wanted to know '' when the Turkish Government would pay four per
cent. ? " Mr. Punch has much pleasure in answering the question.

When the Turk gives up his fez, and appears before the Sultan in a billy-
cock hat.

When the Ladies of the Harem accept situations as nursery governesses in
quiet families in Clapham.

When Constantinople is lighted with the electric light, and all the street curs
are sent to the Home tor Lost Dogs.

When the proceedings against Midhat Pasha are quashed, and the case is
reheard (by the request of the Sublime Porte) in the Central Criminal Court.

When Real Turkish Sherbet," at a penny a glass, from the New Kent Road,
is successfully introduced into Stamboul. _

When Penny Steamboats are started in the Bosphorus by a Company the
Managing Director of which shall be the Sheik-ul-Islam.

When the Sultan sells off his jewels, gives up his Civil List, and patronises
exclusively the Civil Service Stores.

When, in fact, the leopard changes his spots, the negro becomes white, and
the sun exchanges places with the moon in ruling over the night.

Then, but not until then, wiU a Bondholder receive four per cent, interest on
the Turkish Debt! ______

Solving a Problem.

A Thoughtful Contributor raised a question last week, which he seemed
utterly unable to answer. It puzzled him to know why "italics should be to
print what rouge is to women." An Anonymous, or Anonyma correspondent
writes thus:—"If the italics occur in a pretentious leading article, then, like
the rouge, the intention is to draw attention to the cheek. Now, then, stoopid ! "
"Stoopid," of course, is not addressed to us, but is evidently applied to our
Thoughtful Contributor, the Author of " Old Parr's Pars." He will like it.