Punch: Punch (81.1881)

August 6, 1881.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

57

QUIPS FROM THE COAST.

Taking a Dip, and getting a Clow. A High Sea over the Bar.

A UNITED FAMILY.

(The Wobumstalk over their Holiday).

Mrs. Tfoburn. You have not forgotten what I was saying to you
last night, Henry ?

Mr. Woburn [jocosely). I have tried to forget most of what you
said to me last night, my dear, and on the whole with considerable

success.

Mrs. Woburn [meaning business). The twenty-seventh of July is
too late in the year for what you consider witticisms, which, as far
as I can make out, are mainly repetitions of remarks made by
omnibus-drivers to their conductors.

George Woburn [aged nineteen, starting a subject suddenly). Your
ideas on the subject of breakfast, Mater, are limited in the ex-
treme. You seem to think that with eggs, bacon, and ham you
have exhausted the gamut.

Louise Woburn [aged tiventy). And a very good breakfast, too. You
might remember how many poor people there are who are starving.

George. Of all the senseless and idiotic reasons for giving a man
bad food, that is the most senseless. How on earth should I do any
harm to a starving man by having a cutlet for breakfast!

Mr. Woburn. Don't wrangle, George. It is a bad habit, and the
sooner you get out of it the better. Your sister was perfectly correct.
We should think of those in poverty. I am delighted to see that
Punch has got over two hundred pounds to take the poor children
into the country ; and I have not been so proud for a long time as I
was yesterday when I received an acknowledgment from the Editor
for my modest donation. Five pounds is not much, but it will make
many a little one happy.

Louise. Five'pounds ! And I had to decline Mrs. Russell's launch
trip to Cliveden Woods, because I had got nothing to wear ? Oh, Papa!

George. Oh, you are selfish! I say in this case, Bravo the Governor !

Louise. Perhaps you have given five pounds too ?

George. I most certainly should have, had Prudhomme won the
Goodwood Stakes.

Louise. Oh, spare us that horse-racing ! Captain Norbanck was
only saying the other night, that at no time was stable talk pleasant,
but that when it came from the lips of innocent children like you, it
was positively dreadful.

Mrs. Woburn. Of course, I am nobody in my own house, but when
you two young people have quite finished shouting at each other
across the table, perhaps you will let me ask when your father gave,
what I must call for a man in his position, this munificent, this
princely donation ?

Mr. Woburn. Why at Lodge the other night we all made a sub-
scription.

Mrs. Woburn. I thought so. You spent five pounds each on your
dinner--■

Mr. Woburn. Five pounds! The dinner cost five-and-twenty
shillings a head, wine included.

3Irs. Woburn. And a nice dinner it would be for a price like that!
1 see : and after that you all got very .... sentimental, and threw
away your money. So what it comes to is, we shall not have that
holiday.

Mr. Woburn. What holiday ?

Mrs. Woburn. What holiday! As if at the end of July there
was any use asking ' What holiday ? " Are we going to remain in
London all August, like beggars ?

Mr. Woburn. Beggars, my dear, is not exactly the term to apply
to the Houses of Lords and Commons, who are most certainly going
to remain m town all August.

Mrs. Woburn. That's so like a man's way of argument! But
they 're paid to do it.

Mr Woburn [in a superior manner). Hired legislation is not yet
a feature of English political life, I believe.

Mrs. Woburn. Well, they will be given offices and made Post-
Umce clerks if they stop. Well, never mind. I thought we four
were going to have a nice pleasant holiday together.

Mr. Woburn [dubiously). Certainly. We all want rest and
change.

George. I won't say anything about rest, though with Loo's
tongue going'all day the probabilities of that seem remote ; but as for
change, what change, will there be in us four being together. As
Jimmy Finchley-

Louise. Is that the boy with the big feet,_ and with a perpetual
cold in his head, who is always coming here with you ?

George. When I was a child, it was considered rude to make
personal remarks.

Louise. Ah, there have been lots of alterations in the last six
weeks, the Comet's gone, and all sorts of things.|

George. Well, Jemmy Finchley says, that the great secret of a
holiday is to get away [from one's family. He has chucked over
his people. I mean, they are going to the sea-side, and he's going to
run over to Holland for a fortnight, and has asked me to go with him.

Mr. Woburn. If he can afford it, you can't.

Louise. I forgot to tell you that I received a letter from Cissie
Curzon last night, asking me to stop with them in Norfolk for a
month.

Mrs. Woburn. You will write this morning, Louise, and decline
the invitation. I dislike Miss Curzon excessively. Now, when shall
we start, dear ?

Mr. Woburn [hesitating). Ah, my darling, you will have to go
before me. [With a more decided air.) You see business is so un-
settled just now that I might be summoned at any moment to the
Continent. [Persuasively.) If you were to run down first--

Mrs. Woburn. Henry, out of this house neither I nor my chil-
dren stir without you. You are the head of the family, and your
proper position is at the head of the family. Are you anxious to
get rid of us ?

Mr. Woburn. My dearest, how can you talk so f When will you
be ready to start ?

Mrs. Woburn. This clay week.
Mr. Woburn. That means in a fortnight.
Mrs. Woburn. It means this day week.
Mr. Woburn. And where are we going ?

Mrs. Woburn. Where we have often talked of going—perhaps
you can guess.

George. The Workhouse ?

3Irs. Woburn. How can you be so silly! North Wales.

Mr. Woburn. A very good idea, indeed. [Aside.) It is a deuced
out-of-the-way place, but there must be some route from there to
Paris. I must see old Dick Gordon about it.

George. We ought to have some very good fun there. [Aside.)
I can lose my way and get over to Holland with Jimmy somehow.
I '11 look him up to-night.

Louise. It ought to be very jolly, Mamma, and I can have such
capital sketching from nature. [Aside.) I '11 write to Cis and tell
her I '11 manage to come down to Norfolk.

[Lxeunt severally to make their own separate arrangements.

CARICATURISTS DUELLING.

M. Alered le Petit, the French caricaturist, haying drawn Italy
pour rire, has had to draw swords and encounter Signor Maneredo
Bassetti and other enraged Italians in a series of duels. M. Le
Petit remains, up to our latest information, victorious—quite a
Petit Maitre-d''armes. In view of this fashion, of the caricatured
challenging the caricaturist, reaching England, Mr. Punch has
insisted on all his Artists at once taking lessons with various kinds of
weapons, rapiers, broadswords, bayonets, quarter-staves, (to " crack
knaves' costards withal ") pistols and bowie-knives.

Mr. J-hn T-nn-el, our eminent Cartoonist, can already snuff a
candle at ten paces, and pink his man so as to leave him quivering
on a daisy in something less than five seconds, the salute included.
He has also a special weapon for making a big cut. Mr. E. L.
S-mb-rne, is gradually acquiring proficiency in the use of the battle-
axe, in case he should be challenged by the Right Honourable W. E.
Gl-dst-ne, who will be touched by the courtesy that selects his own
favourite weapon. It is a pretty sight to see'Mr. E. L. S-mb-rne-'s
experiment with an axe on a wood-block. Mr. G. Du M-r-r has
selected a blunderbuss of ancient pattern; his idea being to scatter
his enemies and make them fall. Mr. C. K-ne is m the country,
exercising a chariot with scythes attached to the wheels : this will
be really formidable. The rest are employed practising cuts—the
unkindest cuts of all—in every direction. Motto for the Artists
generally, " Draw—and defend yourselves ! "

Ramsbothamiana.—Mrs. Ramsbotham told her Niece that she had
heard there was to be "An Exhibition of Eccentricity" in Paris this
month. It's not improbable, in view of the French Elections; but
the excellent Mrs. R. meant "Electricity." Dangerous place,
Paris, though, for this sort of thing.