Punch: Punch (81.1881)

86

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[August 27, 1881.

TO ARTISTS.

The best kind of Easel in a High Wind.

A LEAP FROM ME. BRIGHTS DIARY.

Monday Morning.—I awake from a most pleasant dream. Thought
I was in " Bonny Scotland " (which one of its own poets has felici-
tously described as " Land of Grandeur "), and that I was engaged
in the seductive pastime of fly-fishing. "When I awoke, found
myself grasping towel-horse firmly in one hand, and—imagining it
to be attached to a line—was endeavouring to throw into the centre
of a delicious pool for trout! Consequence was, nearly threw it into
washhandstand basin. This dream makes me long to be on my
native heath. Why will Parnell persist in troubling, and when
will the Tories be at rest ? If I wasn't a Minister and a Right
Honourable-but there !

After reading one or two of Cobden's Free-Trade Speeches, a
chapter from one of the Minor Prophets, and an oration of Demo-
sthenes (Bohn's useful edition), go down to breakfast.

Letter from a foolish person who signs himself '' An Inquiring
Yorkshire Youth." Inquires about the " Fair-Trade League,"
and wants to know my opinion of it. A well-meaning and evidently
nervous young man. Says " his mind is disturbed on the question."
Allusion to his mind obviously absurd. Leave breakfast to write
scathing answer at once. My family send in to beg me not to kick the
furniture about quite so much. I explain that I am only giving
arguments about Free Trade. Family retires, apparently satisfied
with explanation. (Find afterwards that family conceal all letters
addressed to me with post-mark from any Yorkshire or Lancashire
town. Also find the most valuable articles of furniture removed
from my study. Can only kick a second-hand sofa and iron-legged
chairs now!)

Resume breakfast, and peruse my reply to the '' Inquiring York-
shire Youth " with much satisfaction :—" Those dunderheaded and
irreclaimable idiots who presume to talk on a subject which their
feeble brains could never hope to comprehend "—that will show the
Inquiring Youth the advantages of Free Trade, I fancy. Person-
ally, I like this vigorous style of controversy. Produces same effect
on my mind as mountain air—("Bonny Scotland" again)—on my
body. My friends think it a little violent. I call it simply bracing.

In the House.—Find that fifteen returned convicts are trying to
break in down chimney in Speaker's private apartments. Go and

look on. Observe that, as Inspector Denning pulls them out one
after another, they seem disappointed, and somewhat disarranged
owing to the narrowness of the flue. It appears they wanted to
steal the Mace! Go back to House and think about making im-
passioned speech—as matter of Privilege—on the "deathly pallor"
of the fifteen returned convicts, and advisability of giving the Mace
to the poor fellows, to be melted down, by way of compensation.
Conclude not to do so, and go off home early instead.

Tuesday.—Examine my flies in bed before rising. The old red
hackle the best after all for salmon. Read a bit of Isaac Walton,
and to breakfast.

5 p.m.—House again. Very empty. Most of the Members have
gone off to Scotland ! They are not Right Honourables. Feel irri-
table, and am just rising to remark that I consider Lord Salisbury
a Demoniac Peer, when Gladstone pulls me down by the coat-tails,
to remind me that I am a Right Honourable. Very provoking ! A
seat in the Cabinet has its disadvantages.

Fortunately have brought my fly-rod with me. Spend rest of
evening in showing Forster how I hook a twenty-pound salmon, in
quiet corner behind Speaker's Chair.

Wednesday.—Second and last letter from "Inquiring Yorkshire
Youth." Thinks my arguments exceedingly unsatisfactory, and
has in consequence just joined "Executive Committee of National
Fair-Trade League." What an idiot!

In House again.—Lords still amending Land Bill! Chamber-
lain tells me privately he feels very much harassed about French
Treaty. French won't buy Bradford cotton. What would Cobden
say ? Poor Chamberlain never knew Cobden. Rather afraid Cham-
berlain has been got at by Sir Edward Sullivan, Mr. Ecroyd, and
perhaps—who knows ?—by the Duke of Manchester ! Feel sure
Chamberlain wouldn't yield to any Protectionist short of a Duke.

Midnight.—Owing to continued impossibility of getting off to
" Bonny Scotland," nerves out of order. Make rather impetuous
speech, Gladstone being temporarily absent. Don't remember any
stronger expression in it than 4' feeble and futile opposition of a
pampered aristocracy."

Thursday.—Hurrah ! Letter from W. E. G. Says he feels sure
I want change of air. Won't I go off to Scotland at once ?

I will!