Punch (81.1881)

September 3, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

97

" !T ALL DEPENDS."

Customer. " I don't know how it is, but my Clothes never fit me

nicely. now you always make my friend captain StOLLERT's coats to sit
beautifully ! "

Tailor. "Yes, Sir, but he's got Shoulders to hang 'em on! If a
Gentleman's made like a Champagne-Bottle, no Tailor can fit him ! "

\Exit Customer in dudgeon.

SUM ME E NUMBERS.

(A Song of Memories by an Elderly Singer.)

Surcease of toil, still solitude, soft sun,
Far from the motley mob's gregarious run,
The fogey seeks, whose care is Number One.

A solitude d deux, spooned softly through,
Leaf-screened beneath the unbetraying blue,
Is the elysium of the amorous Two.

A dancing boat and moonlight on the sea,
Taste-measured mirth, wave-mellowed melody,
And company may e'en be found in Three.

Clear Thames soft echoing to the pulsing oar,
The eddy's ripple and the weir's loud roar,
Gladden the ears of a hard-pulling Four,

Nor shall the sunniest, sweetest girl alive,
Prattling, as through the wave the blue blades drive,
Stern-seated, spoil the crew by making Five.

A woodland pic-nic! Could a Cocker fix
(Unless as dull as the dim shores of Styx)
Yon gleeful gathering at less than Six f

Or brand the odd less blissful than the even,
(Seeing her watchet eyes are so like heaven),
If one arch sylph should swell the band to Seven f

Nay, "stretch an octave." Who, with heart elate,
Beating the nut-hung woods, would joy abate
Because the scattered echoes numbered Fight f

Nay, skirting the green vineyards of the Rhine,
Four girls, four lovers, and a sleek divine,
Who'd murmur at the Muses' number, Nine f

Charmed numbers ? Let dull seers stale fables tell,

Are not all numbers magic in their spell,

With Youth, Love, Joy, and Jest assorted well ?

Yet Two, for choice ! Some prejudice yet cumbers
His soul in whose grey head Romance scarce slumbers,
The baldish Bard who lisps in (Summer) Numbers.

A Liberal Appointment.—Mr. Herbert Gladstone
the other day took his seat as an extra Lord of the Trea-
sury, appointed without salary. No charge for extras.

FROM A COURT JOURNAL.

(Notpublished every Saturday.)

1st.—Back from Balmoral. What a relief ! So pleasant to be

near something civilised again. Dear L-called early, and wanted

me so much to make a pleasant day of it. It would have been so
nice. Private view of some lovely frescoes to begin with. Then a
quiet little luncheon together, and, after that, to Lady-'s, de-
lightful place, to have some lawn-tennis, perhaps a little boating,
and then finish with a drive back to town in the cool of the evening.
Of course, I couldn't be spared. So, rest of diurnal programme as
usual. Walked with Mamma. Had luncheon with Mamma. Drove
with Mamma. Dined with Mamma. On the whole, rather a mono-
tonous day.

2nd to 9th inclusive.—Nothing particular. Walked daily with
Mamma. Had luncheon daily with Mamma. Drove daily with
Mamma. Dined daily with Mamma. So, the fifteen pressing invi-
tations for various things this week, had, of course, to be declined.
Never mind : I got on with my etchings ; but the next book / illus-
trate shall be called The New Cinderella. Dear me ! if I could only
get somebody to write it, couldn't I make a capital picture of the
young maid's delight at finding her wretched State-coach changed
suddenly into a lovely pumpkin !

. 10th.— A very eventful day. Some Indian potentate, with a pecu-
liar turban, was made, by Mamma, an honorary Member of Knights
of the Third Class of the Order of St. Michael and St. George. I
attended. As usual, it was all over in three minutes. I wonder
whether he could have taken a walk with Mamma, stayed to luncheon
with Mamma, had a drive with Mamma, and have dined with
Mamma, if Mamma had thought of ordering him! But there was
no opportunity. The gentleman, too, who brought him, seemed so
very anxious to get him back to Claridge's Hotel as quickly as
possible. Perhaps he feared the honour might be too much for the

Asiatic mind. NHmparte ! Ah ! happy Indian potentate, breathing
the free air of Claridge's Hotel!

11th to 13th.—More walking with Mamma, taking luncheon with
Mamma, driving with Mamma, and dining with Mamma. Some
Germans to dinner once or twice. I shall learn Chinese. And that
reminds me. I wonder whether Aladdin's Princess, with her tiny
little feet, managed, after all, to get better about Pekin than I can
about London.

19th Osborne.—Dear A—-, came with the children and pressed for
me to be allowed to join them on the yacht, and see the regatta, and
have a real sail, and spend a quite too lovely day ! No use ; so
she went back, and I took a walk as usual with Mamma, had
luncheon as usual with Mamma, and dined as usual with Mamma.
Everything very much as usual. Stay, though; I am forgetting.
I must add a two hours' steam up and down on the Alberta, a
mile and a half away from everything, which the Court Journal will
no doubt describe as " witnessing the regatta" with Mamma !

20th to 21th.—The usual Osborne routine. Of course, I am per-
fectly happy doing nothing else but walking, taking luncheon,
driving and dining continually with Mamma; though I should like
to be able to get away a little now and then. In one of our drives
round the island, we passed several groups of happy girls enjoying
themselves, in the society of their relatives and friends, in various
healthful and innocent ways (with the permission of their Mammas).
Yes, I must take in hand The New Cinderella !

28th to 29th.—Off again to Balmoral, without waiting for the State
baU on the 30th. Journey full of novelty.

30th.—Once more in the bonnie Highlands! Attend the Servants'
Ball, and wonder why, while they may enjoy a dance, I mayn't.
Wonder how the State Ball is going on. Go to rest wondering,_ and
finally dream that I am walking, taking luncheon, driving, dia i g
and making immense progress in Chinese, simultaneously, With
Mamma till further notice !

vol. lxxxi.