Punch: Punch (81.1881)

170

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

[October 15, 1881.

DIFFERENT CAUSE-SAME RESULT.

Snippe {struck by the jubilant expression of Snappe's habitually stem countenance).
"What the dickens are you beading in that Review? Something sweet
about yourself, i suppose ? "

Snappe {suddenly trying to look grave). "Well, no—on the contrary—it's
something about you, Snippe!—and I'm sorry to say it 's quite the
reverse of Sweet/.'"

ON BOARD THE "AMARINTHA."

The roughest time is over, and we have roughed it. Cullins is all right
again; he finds nothing "damp"—at least he doesn't complain. He is de-
lighted writh Lamlash Bay ; he is charmed with Campbeltown, where we can
and do get tomatoes and marrows — (Stranraer, take notice!)—and the best
hand-knitted socks at the lowest possible prices. The Captain is of opinion that
we can "make Oban" in less than a day and a half. \_Happy Thought.—
" Make Oban ! " Good thing for Oban. Evident, and not an " Oban question."]
Now that we are sailing calmly, the Dean once more brings out his rook-rifle,
and we go in for " potting " puffins, divers, sea-fowl, and gulls. As a matter
of fact we do not pot them, but we shoot at them briskly, the man at the wheel
making a point whenever there are any birds in sight. One diver accompanies
us for hali-an-hour, and supplies us with a perfect fund of amusement. " They
take a deal of shooting," says the Dean, and they undoubtedly do. At all
events, they get no hitting, and, on the whole, appear to enjoy the fun as much
as we do, reminding me of the little dog in the nursery rhyme, " who laughed to
see such sport."

As a rule, just as the Dean fires, the diver disappears, and Bolry shouts,
triumphantly, "I've hit him!" We are just about to credit him with a
success, when the bird reappears, waggles his head and tail merrily, gives a
queer, dry, sarcastic laugh—something between a quack and a chuckle—\_Happy
Thought—say a " quuckle "] —which evidently implies, "No, you didn't that
time, my boy! " and then he placidly floats on the water, quuckling to himself
in perfect security.

Once, during a calm, the old sea-dog, I mean the pointer at the helm, indicates
a lovely chance—a certainty—a diver riding, so to speak, at anchor, within a
few yards of the yacht. I have time to take a steady aim. Bang ! The bullet
has cleared him by about two inches, and gone with a spurt into the sea ahead
of him. The diver is clearly quite new to the sport, as he makes a rush, open-
mouthed, in the direction of where the bullet disappeared, stretching out his neck
to peck at it, being evidently under the impression that it's something to eat.

Cullins is annoyed at discovering that this is not the Atlantic, but the Irish
Channel. At first he won't believe it. "The Irish Channel! " he exclaims.

" How can that be when this is Scotland ? " He decides
that all maps are wrong, and gives up the study of
Geography. Henceforward, having got his sea-legs
properly fitted on, he will enjoy himself.

At Oban I say farewell for the present to our polite
host, Hailsher, and my pleasant companions—including
the_ one leading down to the cabin; and, envying them
their seven weeks' cruise, I close my short log—(phrase
suggestive of " cutting my stick "—which, alas! I have
to do)—and so terminates my happy.holiday on board
the Amarintha.

OUR CHANGE AND BARTER COLUMN.

RARE ARTISTIC OPPORTTJNITY.-A Connoisseur,
whose failing health obliges him to leave more suddenly
than he expected for the Continent, wishes to find an immediate
Purchaser for a genuine Boticelli. Subject, supposed to be the
opening of the Exhibition of 1851, but bears the great mas-
ter's name legibly on the back. Size of picture, 14 feet by 8,
and if not purchased at once, by the Trustees of the National
Gallery, at a very good figure, could be let into a moving
panorama. Canvas in excellent condition. When not hung,
might be used as the mainsail of a small yacht. Frame might
be had alone, if required, or both taken in exchange for half
their weight in potatoes. Would not mind doing business with
a Circus Elephant, a tolerable hand at ecarlc. Glad also to
hear from Mr. Euskin. No reasonable offer refused.—By letter
to Leonardo da Vinky, Post Office, Wapping.

rpO HOTEL PROPRIETORS.-To be disposed of, on
j- advantageous terms, Two Hundred Dozen of a rich full-
bodied, Fruity Champagne. In prime order. Invaluable at a
high-class wedding breakfast, where, if not shaken, could pass
for a very fair still Hermitage. Wonderfully smooth on tho
tongue, and has proved an excellent hair-wash. No sample
required. Autograph testimonial from H.M. the Shah of
Persia, to be seen on application. Would treat liberally with
Pickle Merchants.—Apply, The Mummums, Magnum Lane, E.C.

PATENT MEDICINE.—One of these first-class properties
for immediate sale. Has hitherto been advertised as a
specific for neuralgia, but mixed with blacking and fullers' earth,
can be worked as a popular horse pill, at enormous profit. Has
only been before the public a fortnight, and advertiser will give
written guarantee to appear personally at coroners' inquests up
to date of completion of purchase. N.B.—Price includes letter
for publication from Irish Marquis at Clapham, acknowledging
cure of lumbago of fifty years' standing. Fine opportunity for
an enterprising rat-poisoning company. Would amalgamate
with rising cemetery. For particulars, Apothecaries' Haul,
Swallow-More, Herts.

TO THE SCIENTIFIC.—A Gentleman who can make
no possible further use of it, is very desirous of parting
with his 7-inch achromatic, astronomical telescope. Object-
glass and eye-piece gone, but still a most serviceable instrument
to a Mathematician accustomed to his own reflections. Shows
constant spots on sun and moon, and double stars after dinner.
Having a finder and an adjusting rack, might be used either at
hide-and-seek, or for visiting-cards. Would prove a handsome
present to an observatory in a foggy neighbourhood. Has been
frequently utilised for firing a salute on the Queen's birthday.
As the present proprietor is only parting with it in consequence
of a shattered constitution, the result of seventy years unceasing
serious research, he would be happy to take in exchange a full-
sized mechanical church-organ arranged with popular tunes, a
monster fire-balloon with apparatus complete, or a life-pass for
two to the pit at the Alhambra. Personally, to Jolly Copernicus,
The Fits, Larking.

PASSPORT TO SOCIETY.—A personage of distinction,
who is now completing his winter arrangements, would be
glad to part with his complete suit of evening clothes to an
aspirant anxious to move with effect in the highest circles.
Having trick-cuffs and false-bottomed breast-pocket, would be
of use to a Peer of limited means, to whom three or four hundred
a-year made out of confiding friends at German Cribbage, would
be a consideration. Has been let out on hire to a rural Dean on
the occasion of his silver wedding, and is still black by candle-
light. Would be parted with in lots. The coat having no tails,
could serve as an Eton jacket to a growing youth, or be used at a
public meeting, where the President was not required to leave
the chair. The Speaker of the House of Commons might com-
municate. No geraniums. Enclose stamp. " To Hebeditary
Duke," The Castle, Mile-End-Road, E.

The Latest Turkish Joej:. — The Sultan offering
his moral support to the Khedive !