Punch: Punch (81.1881)

November 12, 1881.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 225

DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS.-THE MIMIC.

Mary. "What are you thinking op, Papa ? You 're making
just the Face you always make when you 're imitating some-
body ! "

Papa {who specially prides himself on the versatility of his facial
expression). "Somebody? Whom, Darling?"

Mary. "Oh, Irving, or Toole, or—or anybody, you know !"

OUR OWN CITY COMMISSION.

The Sword-Bearer and the Mace-Bearer.

Our Commissioner. You are, I believe, the Sword-bearer and the
Mace-bearer of the Corporation ?
Both. We are.

O. C. Have you any other designation ?
Both. We are called the City Siamese Twins.
O. C. Why so ?

Both. Because we are always together, and always hope to be.

[They embrace.

0. C. Really very affecting. Pray, what are your principal
duties ?

Sivord-Bearer. I bear the Sword of Justice.
Mace-Bearer. And I the Mace of Mercy.

O. C. Are these symbols of any earthly use at the present time ?

S. B. They are supposed to awe the unruly mob into becoming
reverence for authority.

O. C. Do they have that effect ?

Both. We regret to say, not to any great extent.

0. C. What has been your latest experience ?

S. B. On the 9th of November, that terrible day for both of us,
when we have literally to face a jeering and contemptuous mob. On
the last occasion, from Guildhall to Westminster, I found myself the
butt for the jests and scoffs of not only men and women, but of those
terrible boys to whom nothing is sacred. I was asked questions

regarding my sacred Sword, of a most profane and sceptical charac-
ter, and instead of its inspiring awe, it seemed to beget contempt.
Even my quaint bear-skin head-dress, whose antiquity should have
inspired respect, was the cause of ridicule, and I was asked who
was my hatter, and why I didn't take my muff from off my head
and warm my poor hands with it.

0. C. And how was it with you, Mr. Mace ?

M. B. I can scarcely restrain my indignation when I recall the
contemptible ribaldry with which I was received by an ignorant and
laughing crowd. I sat back to back to my brother officer, but I
could feel that our hearts beat in unison, not with fear, oh no ! but
in sympathy at our shameful reception. 1 was asked if I didn't feel
a little scrouged ? How many footmen it took to get me and my
mace into the coach, and how on earth I thought I should ever get
out again ? How I liked sitting on the stool of repentance, riding
sideways, and looking out of the door like a great overgrown baby
with a new toy ? How much the Mace weighed, whether it smelt
like cinnamon, and what I would take for it f

[He pauses, overcome by his feelings.

O. C. Ah, poor fellow, very sad, very sad. But surely riding to
Westminster and back once a year, cannot be your only or even your
principal duty ?

Both. Oh no, certainly not.

S. B. Among other duties we have to attend Charity Sermons
every Sunday, and set a good example by keeping wide awake. I
have also to keep a Diary of the daily events at the Mansion House.

O. C. That, I should think, would be a rather interesting docu-
ment.

a. B. Yery, especially as I keep a copy with my own personal
observations and reflections. I am now in treaty with the Editor of
a popular periodical, for its publication, under the title of " Extracts
from the Diary of a Non-Combatant Sword-Bearer."

O. C. Anything further ?

S. B. I have to consult with the Lord Mayor as to the costume
to be worn by his Lordship upon state ceremonials, as for instance,
whether he should wear his Violet Robe, or his Scarlet llobe, or his
Velvet Robe, or his State Bobe, and when he should wear his Diamond
Star, and above all, when he should wear his Chain of Double S. I
have also to keep him well posted up for all his engagements, and
assist in coaching him up in his speeches upon matters of which he
must almost necessarily be somewhat ignorant, such as Art, Science,
and Literature.

O. C. But if all these matters fall to your share, Mr. Sword, what
can you, Mr. Mace, have to do ?

M. B. Me, Sir ! why my duties are so numerous, that I have to be
at the Mansion House by ten every morning.

O. C. Poor fellow! And what do you find to do when you get
there ?

M. B. I have to control the Lord Mayor's Household, and to
carry the Mace before his Lordship on all public occasions.

O. C. What else ?
;_. M. B. To attend all Courts of Aldermen and Common Council, and
to listen to their long wearisome wrangling speeches, and try in vain
to keep order by continually hammering on a table and calling order,
when order there is none, and to carry the Mace before the Lord
Mayor on all-

i, 0. C. Oh yes, you said that before. Anything else ?

M. B. Yes. I have to find out whether the sureties of the various
Officers of the Corporation are worth powder and shot, and to carry
the Mace before-

O. C. Oh, bother the Mace! surely you've carried it enough for
to-day. And now what salaries do you receive for this crushing
amount of work ?

Both. Mere trifles, mere trifles!

0. C. One at a time, please.

S. B. I did receive but a paltry £300 a year, but it has been
recently raised to £400.
M. B. I did receive £250, since increased to £325.
O. C. Are you satisfied ?
Both. We are, for the present.

O. C.I am pleased to find even such conditional satisfaction. You
may retire.

[They retire shouldering their Umbrellas, the Sword-bearer lead-
ing, the Mace-bearer following.

ALL SOULS AND SOMEBODY.

If names go for anything, All Souls College ought to be an asso-
ciation of No-Bodies. This may be true of the All Souls' men
generally, but we '11 be bound it isn't true of their fine old College
port. That wouldn't be all soul, and no body. They've just
elected, as Warden, Sir William Anson, who is " Vinerian Reader
of English Law." There's a title! "Vinerian Reader!" Io
Bacche ! We should like to hear a Vinerian Reading. FiU your
glasses, Gen'lm'n—Viner'an Reader in the Chair.