Punch: Punch (81.1881)

276 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 10, 1881,

ROSCIUS HOUSE ACADEMY.

" A school, where the education and training will be exclusively devoted to
the preparation of pupils for the Stage, will soon be an accomplished fact."—
Weekly Paper.

[Holiday letter from a sixth-form Monitor.)

My Dear and Honoured Parents,

Tor not having taken the prize in "sudden apology " busi-
ness, thus, rather than as " Lady and Gentleman," I am proud to
address you. I say proud, for, as you know, my special training at
this establishment has been, by your desire, not directed to the
cultivation of that high-class Comedy which engenders a respectful
filial bearing in the true Walking Gentleman. No, my dear Parents,
instead of consigning me to the Royal Navy, the House of Commons,
or the Bar, 1 am grateful to you for your determination that I shall
bring what credit I can to the family in after-life as a Harlequin.
And I do not think you will be disappointed. The way in which at
last examination, I jumped through a publichouse window, and
returned with a double roll instantly through a play-bill underneath
has, I am glad to say, won me the approbation of the whole profes-
sional staff, and, in short, secured me the University Scholarship.
But while having carried everything before me in my particular
line, I have taken a good position in secondary subjects. Should the
taste for pantomime decline, 1 think that my knowledge of a rally
would enable me to do something with Hamlet that would mark
an entirely new departure in Shakspearian business.

For the rest, I have enjoyed this my last term at school immensely.
Our Cricket Match rehearsed to perfection, under our excellent
Ballet-Master, has often been boisterously redemanded at Lord's ;
while wherever our Football Team has appeared, as it always does,
with the full orchestra, enthusiastic encores, I need scarcely add,
have been the order of the day. As to our " trap, bat, and ball,"
played, as we play it, with a vampire trap—well, as you know, that's
a thing that when once seen is not easily forgotten. Indeed, from
the first day—how well I remember it—that I arrived with my small
private box and was relegated to one of the upper dormitories, as a
sky-border—to the time when I was allowed a green-room all to my-
self, I may truly say that my life has been one of successive benefits.

But, my dear Parents, I will reserve what I have to say on the
subject of my dear old Alma Mater till I am once more tickling the
Butler on the back of his head with a make-shift for a wand in the
shape of an umbrella, and smacking the iron-grand smilingly across
its rosewood front expecting to see it transformed into a lighted
kitchen-range. For the rest, as I said before, I hope, thougb my
proficiency lies in another direction, that you will not find me want-
ing in the dutiful bearing proper to a son who has graduated in Light
Comedy—or at least in Farce. You may count, believe me, on my
assuming a gallant and sprightly bearing to the new Chambermaid
(I trust she sings), and be quite sure that, in conformity with the
best traditions, I shall be fully prepared to greet the sudden and
unexpected approach at least of one of you with the proverbial—
'' My Father !—the devil! "

What can I say more, but that if you, whom I may truly always
describe as my " kindest friends in front," are satisfied, no one will
be happier than Your spangled, dutiful, and affectionate Son,

Rich Secendus.

P.S.—By the desire of our worthy Principal, I enclose you one of
the new Prospectuses, with his best compliments.

ROSCIUS HOUSE.
Established for the Education of Young Gentlemen destined for the Profession.

The Parents of Candidates seeking admission to the Academy are respect-
fully informed that the following is a list of Articles required in addition to
the usual School outfit, to complete the equipment of each Pupil:—

1 pair of fleshings; 2 wigs (one trick); 1 large pasteboard head; 1 ditto
with winking eye; 1 pantomime knife, fork, and spoon; 1 pair of ghost
sheets; 6 pocket-handkerchiefs marked "Desdemona"; 1 hare's-foot, and
rouge to match ; 1 pound of bismuth; 2 pairs of false eyebrows ; 1 Pantaloon's
crutch; 1 cauldron.

N.B.—The Committee of Management have determined that the Establish-
ment shall be entirely unique of its kind. No expense or pains have been
spared by them to render it a fitting preparation for the after-business of life
of those who enjoy its advantages.

With a view to this, in addition to the ordinary curriculum, which will
consist of declamation, clog-dancing, pantomime business, banner-carrying,
and Shakspearian delineation, the Pupils will be instructed in the higher
and more abstruse and refined branches of Dramatic Art. A special course of
practical Lectures will be held, therefore, every Term, on one or more of the
subjoined subjects :—

1. On how to Quit the Stage with Effect in a Shower of Cats and Dogs.

2. On the Best Method of getting through Macbeth, with Macduff removed
early in Act II. by a Sheriff's "Warrant.

3. The True Attitude of the Leading Man on Saturday, in the face of an
Empty Treasury.

4. Allowable Liberties with the Text of Othello before a House of One Man
in the Pit, supposed to have come in with an Order.

The above Theses will all be handled by Eminent Professors, possessing
wide and large experience of their several subjects.

_ To stimulate efficient school-work, in conformity with sound dramatic tra-
ditions, proficiency in Class will be rewarded, not by the usual gift-books,
hut by participation in an imitation Stage Banquet.

Good Little Player—Beward. The Bad Player—Punishment.

On the other hand, punishments and penalties for negligence will be meted
out, as in the case of real melodramatic villains, by consignment to rattling
chains, dungeons, and other appropriate contrivances of disgrace.

Places in the Classes must be taken in advance.

The Christmas Term will commence on Boxing Night.

Parents will receive a Monthly Report of the Pupils' progress, printed in
two colours on eight-foot double-sheet posters.

A GLOSSARY OF INITIALS.

An undesirable degree of looseness prevails in the public mind
consequent upon the popular electric fashion of referring to public
men by the initials of their Christian names. An ordinarily well-
informed man suddenly asked for example, " What is the full name
of the Rt. Hon. H. C. E. Childers ?"— would be staggered. To
obviate this, we supply the full orthography of a few names the
initials of which are in commonest use :—

W. E. G. i. e. W. (-onderfully) E. (-nergetic) Gladstone.

H. C. E. ,, EL (-ere) C. (-omes) E. (-verybody) Childers.

W. V. H. ,, Sir W. (-aggish) V. (-agarious) Harcourt.

W. E. F. ,, W. (-orthv) E. (-fTendi) Fokster.

C. W. D. ,, Sir C. (-abinet) W. (-aiting) Dilke.

H. D. W. „ Sir H. (-alf) D. (^one) Wolef.

G. 0. M. ,, G. (-et) 0. (-ut) Moegan.

A. M. S. ,, A. (-dmirable) M. (-an) Sellivan.

C. S. P. ,, C. f-alculating) S. (-urly) Parnell.

F. H. O'D. ,, F. (-atuous) H. (-aggler) O'Donnell.

J. G. B. ,, J. (-ocund) G. (-rotesque) Biggar.

T. P. O'C. „ T. (-in) P. (-ot) O'Connor.

ONE OF THESE FINE DAYS.

[The following forecasts for to-day were prepared last night at the
Meteorological Office, Colney Hatch.]

districts. (Wind northerly, becoming southerly

0. Scotland, N.............J Thunder, lightning, hail, and rain.

1. Scotland, E............. j Fair to foul, and foul again to fair.

' Fog, and air very filthy.

( Wind southerly and northerly, moderate
o 17 i ^ "NT Tf ) or fresh; fair and bright generally,

*• -Ungiana, iN.Li. <........\ but perhaps some local showers of

( meteoric stones.

?i' S^in and'n' / Northerly winds, strong to a gale : un-

4. Mid and Cpunties [ gettled then r'eturnin to t|e south.

S'Chknnel) ) ward' and YeeTins aboilt< Red rain-

n a i-i j Txr \ Wind westerly, a hurricane : then calm.

6. Scotland, W............. j Scotch mistf'

7 -RWlanrl NW fanrl (South-easterly winds, changing to
NSValesT zephyrs; bright and then dull, close,

s -nwinnd S W ' "fanri ^ and sultlT> becoming intensely cold in
cg f£w iV 1 I the afternoon. Sleet or snow, and
South Wales)......... ( ghowerg of ^ and frogg_

"Wind blowing from all points of the
compass ; strong and gusty to violent.
q t -I -fj Whirlwinds. Waterspouts. Yery

y. ireiana, in............., unsettled. Momentarily fair ; mean-

: aa> "while lightning and thunder from a

clear sky; then overcast again, and
>. raining cats and dogs.

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