Punch (86.1884)

PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI

[February 9, 1884.

A PLAYGOER’S PROTEST.

u Their courtly associates in the
house of Clarice unfortunately do
not rise, except in dress and ap-
pearance, much above the level
of the old Adel phi guests, ’—fot.
James’s Gazette.

They sneer at Shaespeahe
nowadays ;

And often I reflect
Bob Romer they would hardly
praise,

Or treat him with respect!
When others scoff, ’tis sad to
sing—

The Playgoer protests
Against this wholesale libelling
Of brave Adelphi Guests !

I I mind me of their courtly grace
And unassuming charm;

I Of how they strolled about the
I place,

! Linked closely arm-in-arm !
i They waved their Berlin Ungers
while

They bandied merry jests
With finished ease and plea-
sant smile,

0 rare Adelphi Guests !

Again in fancy I admire,

And mentally recall
The wicked Earl, the honest
Squire—

Both bidden to the ball.

The Majors of ferocious mien,
With thickly-padded chests;
The gushing girls in pink and
green,

0 grand Adelphi Guests !

Once more I hear the merry
tune,

1 see the chaste quadrille ;
And in the sparsely-gilt saloon

The Guests are dancing still!

I Talk not to me of high-class
! n Plays, ,

Or Drama s interests ;

The Drama’s dead in modern
days—

We ’ve no Adelphi Guests !

PUNCHES . FANCY PORTRAITS.-NO. 173.

PH1NEAS T. BARMJM,

Biggest Showman in the Would ; bar—None.

IDLE TALK.

It is satisfactory to find that
the Zoological Society have re-
pudiated the proposed exhibi-
tion of so-called religious rites
in connection with the White
Elephant. Can this account
for the following advertisement
in the Daily Telegraph ?—

TDOLS.—For Sale, a collec-
Jl tion (five pieces) of Buddhist
and Hindu IDOLS, specially se-
lected. Price £10.—Address, for
view, &e.

No doubt the Agents of
Barnum will secure these at
once. For the Americans,
having seen Jumbo, will re-
quire something more than a
discoloured Elephant for their
money.

New Song of Society.

Esoteric Ephemeron sings—-

I ’» be a Buddha-ffy,

Live on Club ana.
Sinnett and Arnold, die,
Go to—Nirvana!

The Athenceum says that
“ M. Van Dam is preparing
an English translation of M.
de Hattpas’ History of the
Coup d ’ Etat. It will be shortly
published by Messrs. J. S.
Virtue & Co.” Good gra-
cious! Fancy strict Virtue
coming out with a big, big D.!
We wish the publication every
success, and hope that the
Critics will not Dam it with
faint praise, or say that it is
not up to the Author’s usual
mark, and therefore not worth
a Dam._

The Right Sort oe Piano
eor a Company (Limited).—
A Bord.

PUNCH’S POLITICAL CATECHISM.

Following the example of the Pall Mall Gazette, Mr. Pune
proposes to address a set of questions to Members of Parliament, in
view of the proximate resumption of their Legislative duties at St.
Stephen’s. These questions, however, will not be confined to one
side of the House only, and will differ considerably in character and
object from those upon the successful outcome of which our contem-
porary so complacently plumes itself. The following specimens will
give some idea of the nature of Mr. Punch’s Political Catechism:—

1. What is your conception of the function of a Representative of
the People ? (a) Subservient flattery; (h) Crotchetty independence;
or (e) some rational and mutually honourable tertium quid f

2. Is it your sincere belief that Hole-eum-Corner (or other your
constituency) is so conspicuously supereminent in intelligence, public
spirit, and magnanimity, that (a) what Hole-cnm-Corner thinks

| to-day, the country will think to-morrow; (h) the representation of
' Hole-cum-Corner in Parliament is the crown and summit of the
j highest conceivable human ambition ?

3. If you do not think so, how would you candidly characterise the
i practice of emphatically and repeatedly protesting that you do f

4. What is a lie F

j 5. When is a lie not a lie ? (This is not a conundrum imitated
I from a well-known model, as might he hastily supposed. It is hoped
that great care and caution will he taken in answering this and the
preceding question. A candid opinion on this point is extremely
committal, and covers a deal of—political—ground.)

6. Does your idea of “independence” include (a) The right to
| “ nag ” your political leaders at every opportunity, and vote against
| "your party on every important division ; (h) The right to bespatter
and he-pamphleti.se any particular leader who has incurred your dis-

I like, after the fashion of Mr. Iscariot ; (c) The privilege of pledging
yourself to a particular vote, when sore-pressed at a public meeting,
and of casuistically wriggling out of it when jiut to the proof, in the
style of Mr. Fitz-Pendragon ?

7. What is your opinion of the frying-pan as a weapon of offence
and defence amongst Gentlemen ?

8. Is there any essential difference between striking an opponent
with a dirty kitchen-utensil, and assailing him with undeserved
abuse and insulting innuendo P

9. What, in your opinion, would he the solid residuum of fact and

sense, if from the ordinary party-harangne were deducted, (a) False-
hoods ; (h) Foul language ; (c) Malicious misrepresentation ;

(d) Wanton imputation of base motives ; (e) Rank nonsense P

10. Do you really believe that your political opponents—that is to
say, approximately, one half of your fellow-countrymen—are idiots,
or villains, or both ?

11. Do you not believe that anyone who really did think so would
he qualified for a lunatic asylum P

12. Is it not, nevertheless, quite common to attribute to honourable
j and patriotic political opponents motives that would have shocked
1 Tartueee, and maxims that would have disgraced Titus Oates ?

13. Apart from political life, would not a person indulging in such
i language he looked upon as either a lunatic or a—liar ?

14. Is imbecility or untruthfulness less disgraceful in a politician
than in other men ? If so, why ? If not so, is not the stupid
slanderer (in politics) as truly “bad form” as any other sort of
abusive “cad”? And if all parliamentary “cads” (in this sense)
were (as surely they should he) “ sent to Coventry,” how many
Members would be found sitting for that interesting Constituency ?

Mr. Punch will be pleased to make known the results—if any—
of this Catechism, which he is sure will be as interesting to the general
Public as the more professional inquisition of the Pall Mall Gazette.