Punch (86.1884)

February 23, 1884.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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95

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EXTRACTED FROM

THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday Night, Feb. 11. — “ That dinner
of Saturday was thrown away,” the Lord Mayor murmured, with
reproachful glances at Sergeant-at.-Arms, as Bradlaegh gracefully
bowed himself out just now. “ Thought Gosset was in for a tussle.
Nothing like good dinner to keep a man up ; so had Mm at Mansion
House. Feed regardless of expense. Real turtle ; wines ad libitum,
as Horace says. Cigars sine dubio, as Martial remarks. Company
enthusiastic. At half-past eleven Briggs got up ; wanted us to form
Secret Society to be called ‘ Gosset Band.’ Motto ‘ Seam and Gosset
band.’ Song of Shirt, don’t you know. Briggs always dropping into
poetry. Said we’d tiiink it over. Glad we did. Here’s Gosset
comfortable in his chair, and Bradlaegh going out by himself.
Elieu, fug aces ! as Ovid observes, Another good dinner gone wrong.”

Too true ; Bradlaegh affair as stale as Irish row. No Bar drawn
out; no cLefiance of Speaker ; no waltzing with Sergeant-at-Arms ;
no imposing array of elderly Messengers. Bradlaugh took up
seat in usual way under the GaUery. Didn’t even interfere with
questions. Waited till they were over, and then, with Labby
and Bert as sponsors, interesting Parliamentary infant marched
down on Table. Bert couldn’t keep up with his long strides.
Labby, who has meditative deliberate walk, left far behind.
Speaker rose to make observation. Bradlaegh would hear him
by-and-by. At present engaged in hauling book out of breast-pocket.
Mumbled something over it; bestowed on cover resounding kiss,
produced two documents, signed one. left both on Table, and then, a
little flurried, but with winning smile, turned to hear what Speaker
might have to say. Speaker ordered him to retire.

“Why, cert’nlv,” says B., and, bowing thrice, retired back-
wards, with one or two anxious glances over his shoulder to see that
nothing was in his way.

4 “ I am notMng if not graceful,” he said, when it was all over.
“Would have done it better, only when I started horrible fear
struck me that Randolph might have laid himself flat on the floor
to trip me up. Just sort of thing he would do. So had to keep my
eyes open.”

After this Irish Members took matters into their own hands, and
things grew dreary. O’Donnell back, meaning to show Ireland he
can go further than Parnell. Healy determined to beat O’Don-
nell. Between the two, with Sexton intervening like long-winded
Queen’s Proctor, they got House in pretty muddle. By way of
thwarting B.’s design to get evidence of having voted, solemnly pass
Resolution disallowing his vote !

“ No need for Irish Parliament to go to College Green,”

Dilke ; “ Bulls browse just as well at Westminster.”

Busmess done.—Bradlaegh swears he ’ll take his Seat. House
swears he shan’t.

Tuesday Night.—Grand Old Man grander than ever, and less Old.
Speech to-mght on Vote of Censure revived drooping spirits of his
party, and dumfounded Opposition, who already saw themselves in
Office, and were chiefly troubled as to disposition of Fourth Party.

“ Worst of our fellows is,” said Lord Richard Grosyenor, “ that
they ’re always ready to give in. If wind rises to half a gale, begin
packing up, and rush for boats. Tories have two chances to one
when in office. They stick to ship and Captain till last moment, j
even if they know he’s running them on rocks. At slightest varia-
tion from smooth weather, our fellows begin to murmur and mutiny.
Do more to help Opposition than a disastrous campaign or most
skilful tactics of other side.”

G. 0. M. been looking worn and irritable since Session opened.
Has made cloudy answers to plain questions, and has several times
pounced upon Randolph, and shaken him. Bad sign that. Shows j
things not going well. But once on legs, with closely-packed Oppo-
sition before him, and Sir Stafford meekly folding hands and
drooping head in attitude of Sacrificial Lamb, Gladstone the Grand
Old Man again. Thought at first his voice wouldn’t carry him
through. Began to fail after first half-dozen sentences. Stopped.
Fished in coat-tail pocket. Nothing there. Tried other. Same
result. Could it be possible ? Had he sat upon it ? Another happy
thought. Felt in breast-pocket. Ha! Ha! Produced potatum-pot full
of thick yellowish liquor. Unscrewed stopper. Strangers in Gallery
thought he was going to oil his hair. Not so. Put bottle to mouth ;
took good swig. Yocal machinery oiled, and no more trouble with voice.

“ Here’s an opportunity lost! ” Randolph whispers to Sir Henry
Wolff, who in excitement of moment, was sitting on extreme end of
bench. “If we’d only abstracted pomatum-pot, Salisbury would
have been in office next week. On such trifles doth destiny hang ! ”

Gladstone’s greatest triumph was holding House through dinner-
hour. Never since I sat for Barks have I seen House crowded from
seven till nine. Last Tuesday, when peril of Egypt not less. House
dwindled at same hour to twenty Members. “ Feel sorry for Sin cat,”
said Lord Mayor at eight o’clock, whilst Boerke still speaking,

“ but have myself a Sincat-ing at the stomach, which must be
relieved ; ” and he went out. To-night he sat aU through, not even
once observing, “Yah! yah!”

Lords had their fling, but rather a dull affair, voting Government
out of office by a round majority of 100.

“ Nice useful majority,” said Mr. Chamberlain, when at midnight
news brought to Commons. “ But the House of Lords is the Jackdaw
of Rheims in English Politics. No one’s a penny the worse for their
cursing.” Business done.—Yote of Censure in both Houses.