DOI issue:
March 8, 1884
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17756#0118
112
OUR NEXT EXPEDITION;
OE, STRICTLY ACCORDING TO PRECEDENT.
Extract from Government Despatch to British l tiofi ciol A. dnser
to His Highness the Sheriff\ of Tongs-an-Pokar — In reply to your
announcement that th.e Sherift lias d.ispatch.ed. a force of two tliousand
of the Retired Amazon Militia to seize the Death Swamps of Malaria,
which you say contain five hundred thousand miles of territory and
fifteen millions of the Cutthroatanees, it must he obvious to you
that your connection with Her Majesty’s Government forbids you to
interfere in any way with His Highness, beyond urging upon him
the necessity of reflection. You will immediately send back the
Army of Occupation.
Cipher Telegram from the British Unofficial Adviser to His
Highness the Sheriff, fyc., to the Government.—The Retired Amazon
Militia have been cut to pieces. The Cutthroatanees are advancing
upon the capital. May we use the Army of Occupation for relief of
garrisons and defence of country F
Extract from Government Despatch to British Unofficial Adviser,
8fc.—It will be obvious to you that your position will prevent you
from holding out any hopes to the Sheriff of relief from England
beyond cordial advice, which you will supply upon requisition. The
Army of Occupation may, however, remain on condition that its
services are purely honorary and nominal.
Cipher Telegram from the British Unofficial Adviser, 8fc., to the
Government.—Ruin staring us in the face. Leader in London paper
asking for war greatly approved.
Cipher Telegram from Government to British Unofficial Adviser,
Sfc.—Imprison Sheriff. Disband his Army. Seize his treasury.
Army of Occupation will carry this out. Further British force will
take possession of additional country as soon as possible.
Confidential Paper from Chief of Government to Secretary for
War.—How many troops are available for immediate service in
Malaria ?
Reply.—H.R.H. Field Marshal Commanding-in-Chief says twenty
Regiments of the Line. However, as the Battalions are rather under
their strength, this will only give us three hundred men.
Telegram from Cabinet Council to First Lord of Admiralty.—Send
immediately all the Marines to Malaria.
Reply.—All the Marines are being sent. Detachments are now
being moved to the desired spot from Asia, Africa, and America.
Telegram from Commander of British Troops, Malaria, to Chief
of Government.—Have now twenty Marines under my command.
What am I to do with them ?
Confidential Paper from (Jhief of Government to Secretary for
War.—Enclose telegram from Malaria. Please answer. Despatch
will oblige. Avoid friction with Admiralty. Marines, as they have
been mounted, are distinctly military. Wire direct to Malaria.
Reply.—Commander of British Troops, Malaria, will do nothing
until Senior Officer is selected for service. Probably the choice will
fall upon Sir Churchill Howard Lennox, who, howeyer, will not
be able to start for Malaria until after the next Committee Meeting
of the Senior United Service Club.
Telegram from Commander of British Troops, Malaria, to Chief
of Government—What is the object of our Expedition? Have now
some more Marines, a Cavalry Regiment without horses, and a
Battery of Artillery without guns. Think might make a dash with
this force, and relieve Potluck.
Reply.—Do nothing until further orders.
Telegram from Commander of British Forces, &fc., to Chief
of Government.—Cutthroatanees advancing. Are we to retreat ?
Article in London paper, suggesting intervention, has made Malarian
sovereigns (recently quoted at three-halfpence a-dozen) worth eight-
and-sixpence each.
Reply.—Retreat! Certainly not. Take Potluck, relieve Bang,
Whacker, and Tolderol.
Telegram from Commander of British Forces, 8fC., to Chief
of Government.—Too late. Potluck blown up by rebels, Bang and
Whacker surrounded, and Tolderol gone over to the enemy. Shall
we come home ?
Reply {No. 1).—Yes—immediately.
Reply {No. 2).—No—certainly not.
Telegram from Commander of British Forces, 8fc., to Chief
of Government.—Please repeat orders. What are we to do ?
Reply. Why, something. Advance. Carry everything by storm.
Lead lots of forlorn hopes. Surely you know your business. Have
you all you want F
Answer.-—Nearly all. Kindly send two thousand horses, six
hundred elephants, twenty-nine camels, and seventeen hundred and
ninety-eight thousand mules. When these arrive can move the
Expeditionary Force of twelve hundred men nearly four miles.
Should also like a billion rounds of ball-cartridges, as I have no
ammunition. Kindly use despatch.
Telegram from Cabinet Council to Commander of British Troops,
ofc.—Your order attended to. Articles indented for will reach you in
i March 8, 1884.
the course of next year. May expect some of the mules in six
months’ time, and most of the elephants will reach you a few weeks
later. Ammunition as soon as possible. In meanwhile have sent
you sixteen transports containing plum-puddings, sabretaches, wool-
len gloves, Highland bonnets, and sentry-boxes.
Reply.—Articles wired for urgently required. Shall I buy them
here F Will cost now about a couple of hundred thousand. Will be
dearer later. Please send a doctor if possible.
Answer.—No, mustn’t think of buying anything on the spot. We
can’t afford it. Doctor impossible until after the next Army Medical
Examination in August, when result of competition will be known,
Six will then be sent—if necessary.
Telegram from Commander, Malaria, to Government, London.—
Crisis acute. What shall I do ?
Reply.—Anything you like. Money no object. Get out of it as
best you can. Please use despatch.
Telegram from Commander of British Troops, &fC., to Cabinet
Council.—Glad to say that force under my command have won
twenty-seven pitched battles and conquered the entire country. All
is tranquil. Meantime affair may prove expensive. Probably will
cost about eighteen millions. By the way, what shall I do with
Malaria P
Reply.—Thanks! Come home. Never mind Malaria.
Endorsement of Mr. Tenterfour {Government Clerk) on the above
papers before “ putting them away'1' for an indefinite period.—“ This
parcel to be pigeon-holed with the bundles about the Crimea, Mai-
wand, Isandula, and Majuba Hill.”
TALK LOR LONDON.
Paterfamilias. Do you think that if I gave the local Policeman
half-a-crown a week (in addition to the pay which he gets from
Government), a good dinner on Sunday, and a glass of hot brandy-
and-water every night, he would be disposed to give an eye to that
particularly lonely common which I have to pass about one o’clock
every morning ?
Materfamilias. As you are likely, dear, to be late home after the
theatre to-night, would you like to take the six-chambered revolver,
the patent electric rattle, or the bull-dog with you F
I hope you will like the new gardener we have got, love. I
engaged him because he says he knows how to drag ponds and
reservoirs, and I thought he might be useful in case you failed to
return home at your usual hour.
The Head of the Firm. So Mr. Smith has not been down to the
office this morning. Dear me ! I wonder whether we ought to com-
municate with Scotland Yard, or the undertaker, first ?
Sir William ILarcourt. One of the Policemen in the Stoke
Newington Tragedy—in which a young man was first robbed, then
strangled, and his body thrown into a reservoir, the murderers
escaping scot-free with eight pounds and a gold chain—stated ‘ ‘ he
didn’t see any suspicious characters ” about that night, although
a Gentleman and Lady did see a couple, at two different hours of the
evening. What plan can be devised for making the Police them-
selves rather more “ suspicious characters” than they seem to be at
present F
Another Policeman said he “doubled” the road once every hour,
i.p., walked up one side, and down the other—no doubt with the
characteristic and heavy “tramp, tramp,” the meaning of which
must be obvious to the meanest homicidal capacity.
Howard Vincent says London is the safest capital in Europe.
What delightful places of residence Paris and Vienna must be, then !
If a few more brutal murders go undetected, won’t it be necessary,
instead of the Policemen “doubling” the streets, for the Govern-
ment to double the Policemen F
Earthquakes for the Million.
The Pail Mall Gazette says : ‘ ‘ An Earthquake Observatory is
being- started in Japan by Professor Milne of the Imperial Engineer-
ing College in Tokio.” It is too far for us to go to Tokio, even to
observe earthquakes, therefore we are glad to be able to state that
Professor Toole has started an Observatory in King William Street,
where the luxury of an earthquake is brought within the reach of
all classes, and may be observed every evening until further notice.
A Friend was reading out to Mrs. Ramsrotham a paragraph from
the Tablet about the number of Cardinals now in existence, and when
she came to the statement “ that to this number” (fifty-six) “ must
be added one Cardinal reserved in Petto (Dec. 13, 1880),”—Mrs.
Ramsbotham exclaimed, “ Dear me, how cruel! I hope they feed
him regularly. But what could he have done to be locked up ail
that time F ”
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
OUR NEXT EXPEDITION;
OE, STRICTLY ACCORDING TO PRECEDENT.
Extract from Government Despatch to British l tiofi ciol A. dnser
to His Highness the Sheriff\ of Tongs-an-Pokar — In reply to your
announcement that th.e Sherift lias d.ispatch.ed. a force of two tliousand
of the Retired Amazon Militia to seize the Death Swamps of Malaria,
which you say contain five hundred thousand miles of territory and
fifteen millions of the Cutthroatanees, it must he obvious to you
that your connection with Her Majesty’s Government forbids you to
interfere in any way with His Highness, beyond urging upon him
the necessity of reflection. You will immediately send back the
Army of Occupation.
Cipher Telegram from the British Unofficial Adviser to His
Highness the Sheriff, fyc., to the Government.—The Retired Amazon
Militia have been cut to pieces. The Cutthroatanees are advancing
upon the capital. May we use the Army of Occupation for relief of
garrisons and defence of country F
Extract from Government Despatch to British Unofficial Adviser,
8fc.—It will be obvious to you that your position will prevent you
from holding out any hopes to the Sheriff of relief from England
beyond cordial advice, which you will supply upon requisition. The
Army of Occupation may, however, remain on condition that its
services are purely honorary and nominal.
Cipher Telegram from the British Unofficial Adviser, 8fc., to the
Government.—Ruin staring us in the face. Leader in London paper
asking for war greatly approved.
Cipher Telegram from Government to British Unofficial Adviser,
Sfc.—Imprison Sheriff. Disband his Army. Seize his treasury.
Army of Occupation will carry this out. Further British force will
take possession of additional country as soon as possible.
Confidential Paper from Chief of Government to Secretary for
War.—How many troops are available for immediate service in
Malaria ?
Reply.—H.R.H. Field Marshal Commanding-in-Chief says twenty
Regiments of the Line. However, as the Battalions are rather under
their strength, this will only give us three hundred men.
Telegram from Cabinet Council to First Lord of Admiralty.—Send
immediately all the Marines to Malaria.
Reply.—All the Marines are being sent. Detachments are now
being moved to the desired spot from Asia, Africa, and America.
Telegram from Commander of British Troops, Malaria, to Chief
of Government.—Have now twenty Marines under my command.
What am I to do with them ?
Confidential Paper from (Jhief of Government to Secretary for
War.—Enclose telegram from Malaria. Please answer. Despatch
will oblige. Avoid friction with Admiralty. Marines, as they have
been mounted, are distinctly military. Wire direct to Malaria.
Reply.—Commander of British Troops, Malaria, will do nothing
until Senior Officer is selected for service. Probably the choice will
fall upon Sir Churchill Howard Lennox, who, howeyer, will not
be able to start for Malaria until after the next Committee Meeting
of the Senior United Service Club.
Telegram from Commander of British Troops, Malaria, to Chief
of Government—What is the object of our Expedition? Have now
some more Marines, a Cavalry Regiment without horses, and a
Battery of Artillery without guns. Think might make a dash with
this force, and relieve Potluck.
Reply.—Do nothing until further orders.
Telegram from Commander of British Forces, &fc., to Chief
of Government.—Cutthroatanees advancing. Are we to retreat ?
Article in London paper, suggesting intervention, has made Malarian
sovereigns (recently quoted at three-halfpence a-dozen) worth eight-
and-sixpence each.
Reply.—Retreat! Certainly not. Take Potluck, relieve Bang,
Whacker, and Tolderol.
Telegram from Commander of British Forces, 8fC., to Chief
of Government.—Too late. Potluck blown up by rebels, Bang and
Whacker surrounded, and Tolderol gone over to the enemy. Shall
we come home ?
Reply {No. 1).—Yes—immediately.
Reply {No. 2).—No—certainly not.
Telegram from Commander of British Forces, 8fc., to Chief
of Government.—Please repeat orders. What are we to do ?
Reply. Why, something. Advance. Carry everything by storm.
Lead lots of forlorn hopes. Surely you know your business. Have
you all you want F
Answer.-—Nearly all. Kindly send two thousand horses, six
hundred elephants, twenty-nine camels, and seventeen hundred and
ninety-eight thousand mules. When these arrive can move the
Expeditionary Force of twelve hundred men nearly four miles.
Should also like a billion rounds of ball-cartridges, as I have no
ammunition. Kindly use despatch.
Telegram from Cabinet Council to Commander of British Troops,
ofc.—Your order attended to. Articles indented for will reach you in
i March 8, 1884.
the course of next year. May expect some of the mules in six
months’ time, and most of the elephants will reach you a few weeks
later. Ammunition as soon as possible. In meanwhile have sent
you sixteen transports containing plum-puddings, sabretaches, wool-
len gloves, Highland bonnets, and sentry-boxes.
Reply.—Articles wired for urgently required. Shall I buy them
here F Will cost now about a couple of hundred thousand. Will be
dearer later. Please send a doctor if possible.
Answer.—No, mustn’t think of buying anything on the spot. We
can’t afford it. Doctor impossible until after the next Army Medical
Examination in August, when result of competition will be known,
Six will then be sent—if necessary.
Telegram from Commander, Malaria, to Government, London.—
Crisis acute. What shall I do ?
Reply.—Anything you like. Money no object. Get out of it as
best you can. Please use despatch.
Telegram from Commander of British Troops, &fC., to Cabinet
Council.—Glad to say that force under my command have won
twenty-seven pitched battles and conquered the entire country. All
is tranquil. Meantime affair may prove expensive. Probably will
cost about eighteen millions. By the way, what shall I do with
Malaria P
Reply.—Thanks! Come home. Never mind Malaria.
Endorsement of Mr. Tenterfour {Government Clerk) on the above
papers before “ putting them away'1' for an indefinite period.—“ This
parcel to be pigeon-holed with the bundles about the Crimea, Mai-
wand, Isandula, and Majuba Hill.”
TALK LOR LONDON.
Paterfamilias. Do you think that if I gave the local Policeman
half-a-crown a week (in addition to the pay which he gets from
Government), a good dinner on Sunday, and a glass of hot brandy-
and-water every night, he would be disposed to give an eye to that
particularly lonely common which I have to pass about one o’clock
every morning ?
Materfamilias. As you are likely, dear, to be late home after the
theatre to-night, would you like to take the six-chambered revolver,
the patent electric rattle, or the bull-dog with you F
I hope you will like the new gardener we have got, love. I
engaged him because he says he knows how to drag ponds and
reservoirs, and I thought he might be useful in case you failed to
return home at your usual hour.
The Head of the Firm. So Mr. Smith has not been down to the
office this morning. Dear me ! I wonder whether we ought to com-
municate with Scotland Yard, or the undertaker, first ?
Sir William ILarcourt. One of the Policemen in the Stoke
Newington Tragedy—in which a young man was first robbed, then
strangled, and his body thrown into a reservoir, the murderers
escaping scot-free with eight pounds and a gold chain—stated ‘ ‘ he
didn’t see any suspicious characters ” about that night, although
a Gentleman and Lady did see a couple, at two different hours of the
evening. What plan can be devised for making the Police them-
selves rather more “ suspicious characters” than they seem to be at
present F
Another Policeman said he “doubled” the road once every hour,
i.p., walked up one side, and down the other—no doubt with the
characteristic and heavy “tramp, tramp,” the meaning of which
must be obvious to the meanest homicidal capacity.
Howard Vincent says London is the safest capital in Europe.
What delightful places of residence Paris and Vienna must be, then !
If a few more brutal murders go undetected, won’t it be necessary,
instead of the Policemen “doubling” the streets, for the Govern-
ment to double the Policemen F
Earthquakes for the Million.
The Pail Mall Gazette says : ‘ ‘ An Earthquake Observatory is
being- started in Japan by Professor Milne of the Imperial Engineer-
ing College in Tokio.” It is too far for us to go to Tokio, even to
observe earthquakes, therefore we are glad to be able to state that
Professor Toole has started an Observatory in King William Street,
where the luxury of an earthquake is brought within the reach of
all classes, and may be observed every evening until further notice.
A Friend was reading out to Mrs. Ramsrotham a paragraph from
the Tablet about the number of Cardinals now in existence, and when
she came to the statement “ that to this number” (fifty-six) “ must
be added one Cardinal reserved in Petto (Dec. 13, 1880),”—Mrs.
Ramsbotham exclaimed, “ Dear me, how cruel! I hope they feed
him regularly. But what could he have done to be locked up ail
that time F ”
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.