Punch (86.1884)

144

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARI Vatu.

Somerset, introduced new Parliamentary custom. Hitherto been
habit to make one maiden speech. This afternoon Elton made four.
On most charming subjects, too—Copyhold Enfranchisement, regis-
tration, Old Cemeteries, and Commons and Enclosure Acts. Elton
a big man ; might perhaps claim to make two maiden speeches, or at
least one-and-a-half, against average Member. But four, excessive;
and still not satisfied.

“ Dear me ! ” he said, when at quarter to six the usual Wednesday
cloture came, and Members rapidly dispersed. “What’s the
matter F Not going home yet, eh F Lot more Bills on the Orders.
Another speech or two ready. What’s the use of going so early F ”
Left speaking. Business done.—Various.

Thursday.—Never thought Ramsay could get so much expression
into his face. Mingled surprise and inquiry, not untouched by horror
and shame. House laughed whilst he was speaking. Was it pos-
sible F Had he unawares made a joke F An honest man, Ramsay.
Wouldn’t do anything wrong for the world ; yet how powerless is
good intent against accident!

“ I don’t see anything in this for amusement,” he said, pausing
and looking round with scared face, whereat the House laughed
again, and Ramsay gave it up.

“ Can’t do with frivolity, Toby,” he said to me, afterwards, “ and
this ComyAe rather given to it. Have sat here for ten years. Often
heard men about me cackling and sometimes roaring with laughter.
Like to know things. Have earnestly inquired what they were
laughing at. Never could see it. I’m a plain business man and like
serious conversation in prent or speech. Always read your Diary.
No frivolling there. Nothing but good plain facts, some of them new
and curious. In the House like to hear Talbot speak, and Sclater-
Booth and Dobson. Good strong meat. No kickshaws like that
young popinjay Lord Randolph serves up. Wonder the House tole-
rates him. Glad you don’t think I was funny just now. Gave me
awful shock when I heard House laughiDg.”

Tim Healy pretty lively to-night. Accuses Trevelyan of being
the nephew of Lord Macaulay and trying to hang innocent men.
Joseph Gillis applausive. Healy getting a little blown after the
eleventh speech. Windbag Sexton gallantly comes to his assistance.
Harangues for about an hour, whilst he accuses the Irish Govern-
ment of “ a policy of lying,” and “ by stealthy, tricky, cruel, and
cowardly means throwing into gaol harmless men”—like Joe Brady
and his colleagues. All this it appears is in order. At least Chair-
man interferes only once, when Tim persisted in describing Tre-
velyan as concerned in conspiracy to murder. At Two o’clock in
the morning Childers reminds Committee that there is business to
do, so set to work and sat all night. Business done.—Votes in Supply.

Friday.—Though Ramsay doesn’t joke, our new Speaker does
sometimes, in quiet way. Just now Onslow up, with serious com-
plaint. Seems he’s been making vicious attack on Baxter in secret
as he thought. Got in the papers. Onslow ponderously indignant.

“Drat them papers!” says he. “ Why can’t people be content
with their ’Tizer f Never read anything else myself.”

“ The Member for Onslow,” the Speaker called him, taking rapid
account of fact that he doesn’t represent anybody else. “ And a
very stupid constituency, too,” said Sir Wilfrid.

Business done. — House determines to talk to-night, and work
to-morrow. So Saturday Sitting arranged for.

CONVERSATION-BOOK FOR SCHOOL-RATE PAYERS.

(To be Circulated Ten Tears Hence.)

March 22, 1884.

A MARCH HARE’S LAMENT.

“ Dear me ! So sorry ! No more Harriers for the next
Six Months.”

THE MUNICIPAL UNIFORM LEAGUE COMPANY

(VERY LIMITED).

The Public are respectfully informed that with a view to replenish
the greatly exhausted funds of the above nearly exhausted Company,
a combined Entertainment will be given at the Savoy on Tuesday,
the 1st of April, that being the Festival Day of the Company.

PROGRAMME.

Overture—“ Much Ado About Nothing

Solo on the Trumpet, by Professor Bottomless Froth. (On this
occasion the Professor will perform upon his own celebrated
Trumpet.)

Duet, by Mr. Treasurer Fillup and Mr. Secretary Cloyed —

“ We know a Bank, but we haven’t much there.”

J. Diddles,.

Part Song and Chorus, by the Members of the Executive Com-
mittee—

“ Do you think we haven’t got our little game ?

If you do, perhaps you think we work for fame.

Is it likely ? Is it likely ? Oh, dear no !

Is it likely ? Is it likely ? Oh, dear no ”

Song, by Mr. Verity Grant—

“ I dreamt that I dwelt in the Companies’ Halls,

With Aldermen drunk by my side ! ”

Trio, by the Three Solemn Leaguers—

“ I once was a Member of Parliament,

And had two thousand a year.”

Punch.

Did you say that the School-Board “ precept ” for the present year
is only four shillings and fourpence in the pound F

For such a paltry sum how can they possibly afford to teach
French, German, Sanskrit, Electricity, Conic Sections, and Experi-
mental Physiology F

This plan of teaching Greek to Infants under eight years of age,
through the assistance of the Regius Professor at Oxford is really an
admirable innovation.

Now that we have cut down our Army Estimates so as to allow for
one regiment of the Line and half a battery of old Artillery, and
have decided not to relit our three worn-out iron-clads, perhaps the
Education Rate will not be felt quite so heavily.

My dear, be sure and remember to tell Eliza to give us only boiled
cabbages and batter pudding for dinner to-day. There are the boys’
Coptic Lexicons still to be paid for.

The notion of erecting a small Lunatic Asylum in connection with
each Board School, for the accommodation of children unable to
stand the strain of the enlarged curriculum, indicates much foresight
on the part of the Board.

It is painful to have to tell Sammy—who is such a clever boy, and
knows the word for “starvation” in sixteen different, languages—
that there is nothing in the cupboard for breakfast to-morrow morn-
ing, except the Collectors “ Final application ” for the amount of the
School-Board Rate.

Recitation, by Professor Thorold Manners, M.P.—

“ In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility.”

Shakspeare.

Comic Song, by Sir John Dennett—

“ I think for one I knows the time of day,

Tuddle-e-um !

And which side of a question best will pay,

Tuddle-e-um! ”

Scene from Macbeth, by the Three Solemn Leaguers—

“ When thall we three meet again ?

When at Guildhall we shall reign ;

When the hurly-burly ’s done.

When our good’ berths we have won ! ”

Punch.

Glee, by the Principals—

Chorus—

“ Uprouse ye then, my merry, merry men,
’Twill soon be Quarter-Day.”

“ Let’s blow our trumpets loudly.”

Wordy.

A Motto eor Old Billiard Players (especially passe
Champions).—“Rest cue and retire.”

ex