Punch (86.1884)

Afril 12, 1884.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

179

SSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM

THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, March 31.—Nice state of affairs.
Speaker sick in bed, Chairman of Committees ill in Chair, Sir
Thomas May carried in and out by elderly Messengers secretly glad
of opportunities of keeping up their training for Brad latjgh ;
whilst Premier, running away from Doctor, got down to House, and
sits on Treasury Bench pale, haggard, and ever so old. Pretty clear
we ’ll have to shut up shop soon. Regret the less, since we do nothing
particular with it open.

More fooling round Franchise Bill to-night. Gentlemen who might
be supposed to have something better to do, deliver prodigious
speeches, in which they say nothing in the hearing of nobody.
Forster, having shouldered Broadhurst out of his place, resumes
Debate in ponderous speech. Members wait to hear if he’s “ going
for ” his old colleagues. Finding he’s not, they walk out.

“ Clear to me,” says Forster, “this sort of thing doesn’t pay.
When I kick out at the Government, and show Liberal Party in the
wrong, House crowded, Conservative cheers continuous. When I
go on other tack, and deliver ordinary Liberal speech, nobody listens.
Must put this all right in Committee. Introduce an Amendment on
a critical point.”

Sir Peel followed. House filled up, just as used to when Forster
attacked the Government re Egypt or Ireland. Sir Peel brought
with him thick sheaf of notes full of impromptu jokes and flashes of
humour to be struck off on spur of moment. House laughs, because
it had assembled so to do. New Members always heard of Sir Peel
as great Parliamentary humorist; accordingly laughed when he
opened his mouth, and roared when he shook his hand over his head,
his fingers loosely held, as if they were a bundle of sausages. Can’t
j see Sir Peel’s humour myself. Strikes me it is founded on study of
; Warton’s manner, and inspired by ambitious effort to emulate
I Lawson’s humour. Succeeds better with Warton than with Wxl-
| erid. Still House laughed, at least for first half-hour. Then Members
began to slink quietly out to catch the post (which had been gone
half-an-hour), and that sort of thing, you know. Wouldn’t do to say
Sir Peel was noisily dull. Parliamentary institution ; mustn’t be
torn down.

Towards midnight Grand Cross appeared on scene. Great anxiety
to. see him, and hear opening words, after which House fell off again
with disappointed look.

“ Cross a well-meaning man,” said Randolph, “ a master of clear
exposition, a great coiner of lucid sentences ; but, on the whole, pre-
fer to hear him on the Bishops.”

Business done.—Vote of Condolence on death of Duke of Albany.
More talk on Franchise Bill.

Tuesday.—Wish Randolph would be more respectful to his
pastors and masters. Quite unexpectedly jumped on Sir S. North-
cote’s back to-night, pulled his hair and. abused him for not doing
something about Farmer Pell’s Motion on Local Taxation. Sir
Stafford, stung out of his customary mildness of manner, retorted by
calling Randolph a “Bonnet.” Randolph seeing how far things
had gone, happily reserved his temper; half rose but resumed his
seat.

“ I got up,” he told me afterwards, “ to hurl the foul aspersion in
his teeth and call him a Top Hat, but remembered what was due to
dignity of Parliament, and resisted temptation. These mild men
when once roused are fearfully reckless. He would doubtless have
flung a Pair of Boots at me, and I should have been bound to stigmatise
him either as a Dress Coat or a Pair of Trousers. So we would have
gone through the whole wardrobe, and the tone of Parliamentary
debate would have been distinctly lowered. To that I will never be
a party.”

More speech-making round Franchise Bill. Michael Hicks Beach
on for forty forlorn minutes, with Stansfeld to follow later.
Thought something was in store for us when I saw Stansfeld sitting
in corner seat with lank hair closely plastered down either side of
massive forehead, heavily oiled and carefully parted in the middle.
Pretty to see Cavendish Bentinck giving his hair an extra rumple
at sight of Right Hon. Gentleman,

“Can’t abear these Radicals,” he growled. “Always protest
against them by every means in my power.”

“Nice speech, Stansfeld’s,” I said to Gibson, whom I found
tearing up the oration he had meant to deliver but daren’t after row
about monopoly by Front Bench men. “ Ye-es,” he said, “ but his
style a little hair-oily, don’t you think ?”

Marriott made first appearance since he turned his coat. Tories
determined to give him good reception, but speech disappointing.
Very little to do with Reform Bill, a great deal to do with Chamber-
lain, whose name turned up in speech as often as the head of
Charles the First in Mr. Dicks’ memorial. Rather a scold than
a speech.

“ "Who’s your friend the Admiral P ” I asked him.

“ ‘Admiral’ Crichton do you mean ? Why he’s some fellow who’s
got a fat appointment on the Board of Trade. Chamberlain sucked
his brains on Shipping Bill question. At least so Randolph told me.
But why did House laugh when I mentioned him. Hope Randolph’s
not playing his jokes on Me. Won’t be safe. I ha,ve been on Liberal
side before, and know my way back. Conservative party better be
careful how they treat me.” Business done.—None.