DOI Heft:
April 12, 1884
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17756#0186
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,_[April 12, 1884.
Wednesday.—Debate on Sunday Closing Bill. Quite an anecdotal
afternoon. Members relating personal experiences and those of
friends. Theodore Fry said he’d44 mixed among working men all
Ms life,” but didn’t mention the liquor. ^ Denzll Onslow gave
interesting imitations of 44 a converted clown ” and 14 a saved miner.
Offered to sing 44 JPe ,ve left the Barrel,’ or 44Hurrah fov the Pump.
House hastily declined. Then he said he 4 4 knew a member of the
Ministry who played lawn-tennis on a Sunday.” All eyes severely
turned on Dodson.
C. S. Dead brought tears to the eyes of Lord Mayor when he
described how, being in Texas with another Member, found Sunday
Closing in force, and couldn’t find back-door into bar. After sus-
tained effort, came upon it and seem to have had high old time.
Marriott didn’t deny prevalence of drunkenness, but hinted that
Chamberlain responsible for it. W. H. Smith gave the tip to his
constituents. 44 If pubs closed in London on Sundays, only have to go
to Greenwich or Turnham Green,” says he, 44 and you order what you
like.” Most remarkable statement by Cavendish Bentinck. “Almost
impossible to get drunk on a Sunday,” he said, with pathetic tone
of regret in his voice. Grand Cross took no part in Debate, but
pricked up his ears at this statement of curious fact by eminent
authority. Warton so interested in discussion didn’t observe quarter
to six approach. Talked up to the hour and so talked Bill out.
Business done.—Hone.
Thursday.—44 Anything been seen of Gladstone?” whispered Sir
S. Horthcote to W, H. Smith, as he took his seat to-night.
44 Ho. He’s all right. Safe at Coombe Warren.”
44 Then I Warren’t he won’t Coombe here to-day,” says Sir Staf-
ford, beguiled into making little joke.
At half-past five Premier suddenly entered.
44 Betrayed ! ” cried Sir Stafford, ashy pale to the lip>s. 44 Ran-
dolph ’s at the bottom of this.”
“ It’s all right.” said W. H. Smith, vainly trying to hide his own
nervousness. 44 He’s only looked in for Questions. Go off after.”
Spirits on Front Bench raised when W. E. G. passed over to
IIartington duty of answering Stafford’s shorter catechism.
“Told you so,” Smith chuckled. 44 He can’t speak. Poor old
man! Wish he’d take more care of himself. Hot at all a bad
fellow, when he’s quiet.”
Horthcote moved the Adjournment. Conservative Party, united
for once, supported him. Opening made, proceeded to trot round
and round old well-worn track, barrel-organ grinding out the tune
44 What’s your Policy in Egypt ? ”
44 What’s he stopping for? ” Smith murmured, glancing uneasily
across the table. “Why doesn’t he go home before evening dews
fall ? Begad, he’s taking notes! Don’t like look of things.”
Horthcote down; Gladstone up, evidently in white heat of
passion.
44 Dear me, dear me ! ” said Horthcote, thrusting his hands up his
coat-sleeves to get them, at least, out of harm’s way. 44 Wish I’d
never gone in for this. Didn’t want to ; knew it was a mistake ; but
warned if I didn’t Randolph would.”
_ Gladstone stamped around in right royal wrath. 44 Like Bengal
tiger whose dinner’s been stolen,” says Macfarlane, who’s been in
India. Spoke for only thirty minutes. When he sat down nothing
left of Conservative pretensions to patriotism. Only the torn shreds
of general obstruction with special reference to the Franchise Bill.
Worst of it was, Horthcote having been shoved unwillingly to the
fore, was left there by party, who tailed off till, at half-past eight,
not a dozen Members present to hear him meekly ask permission to
withdraw Motion for Adjournment.
44 Hext time tMs is to be done,” he said, feeling himself all over to
see if any bones were broken, 44 you must get someone else to do it.
I have had enough.”
Business done.—Lords sent down a Measure called 44 Bolton-le-
Sands and Warton Reclamation Bill.” Read a Second Time. General
impression is, case hopeless.
Friday. Quite a quiet evening, considering Ireland and Irish
Magistracy were subject of discussion. Justin McCarthy moved a
Resolution on subject in speech of conspicuous moderation. Fixed
attention of House, which concluded there really was something
wanted looking into. Looked into it all night quietly and reasonably
till windbag Sexton appeared on scene, followed by Tim Healy,
who abused Trevelyan as if he had not frankly admitted the
grievance, ana undertaken to see it righted. These two speeches
necessary for Irish report. Wouldn’t do to let it be seen that modera-
tion of manner and reasonable argument have any effect in Saxon
House of Commons. Business done.—Annual Army Bill passed.
. Olr excellent old _friend,. Mrs. Ramsbotham, is deeply interested
in political and social subjects. She says, apropos of one of the
burning questions of the day, that she can quite understand Sir
Vernon Harcourt’s statement of the popular objection to what
Mr. Chamberlain calls “ tlnurned Incremation.”
“ ROBERT ” AT GUILDHALL.
I sorntered the other day into Gildall and erd my old trends the
Common Counsellmen a trying to himitate the Ouse of Commons,
by having a werry long fork about a matter with witch they hadn’t
nothmk to do, and thereby negleckting there own affairs. It did
emuse me, it did, to hear my old paytrons almost a cussing and a
swairing about Eddicatin the Peeple. How, though they’re as good
and as jolly a set of fellers as I ewer waits on, and knows as mutch
about the hart and sience of reel dining as ewen a Royal Prinse,
they haynt what we shood call quite the reel Turtel as regards eddi-
cashun. Their eonwersayshun at dinner is all rite enuff. Many on
’em are just as par tickler as us, and chewses their words more care-
fooler even than we does, but it’s ginerally always about the same
top picks, and them’s not littery nor skientifiick.
The Gent as throwd off fust was ewidently a Common Counsellor
of Skotch extracshun, for he said, as pussonally he rayther liked
eddicaskun if it didn’t cost nuffin, but the fust thort in all matters,
big or little, was the Siller, and 8hd. was the last straw as broke the
Rate Payers back, and you shood never teech a child more than his
Farther knowed, or he’d despige him, and this was wot he called
trew adwansing eddicashnn, and I for one quite agrees with him
there. He was follered by a line looking Gent, who said as the
Skool Board was a teeching all the little children chimistry and
druggistry and Lattin, and yet they found time enuff to be a running
about in the gutter all day long, as they did afore, which was rayther
a staggerer for me.
Another Gent said, if they was a going for to eddicate all the
people hup to their hown level, where was they to git their servants
from ? Ah, where indeed ? And then he told ’em a fact as is a reel
and werry sad fact, namely that hundreds and hundreds of poor
germans comes over to London ewery year to learn our butiful
langwidge, and ware do they go to for to lern it in all its helegance ?
Why they turns waiters, and cums to hus! That of course don’t
supprize me, cos with our constant assoshiation with Aldermen and
Common Counsellmen, we nat’rally forms about the werry best skool
for the puppose ; but see wot tollers, langwidge being their prinsipel
hobject, they don’t care nuffin about their own wages, and so nat’rally
rejewses ours, and after a year or too of our sosiety they leaves our
onerabel calling perfect in langwidge and refined in manners, and
becomes Merchants and Bankers. Wot more nat’ral then, than I
shood jine the Copperashun in denounsing Eddicashnn, them for the
crushing w'eight of 8hd., me for the reducktion of my lawfool wages.
Sir John Bennit sed as how as if we hadn’t more eddicashnn for
our Watch makers, we coudn’t expect to have good english watches,
and pulling out a grate big gold watch about as big as a turnip, sed
as how as if you wanted a watch like that you must go to Swizzle-
land, for there wasn’t a Watchman in all Clarkandwell as he cond
trust ewen to clean it. What a complement to Clarkandwell! He
had the owdasity, too, to speak of his oponents as old fogies, and to
look forard with satisfakshun to the time when they wood he gone
to a higher spear, and leave the world to go on without ’em ! and
even spoke of a reel Deputty without calling him by his onered
title, and wen cauled to order by the indignent Lord Mare, acshally
said as he always spoke of His Lordship, out of doors, as Foavler !
One Member, who I was told has a grate deal to do with Littery -
ture, made a speech after my own art, when he said, that 44 he for
one hadn’t not no objecshun to givving to Poor Children the dry
bread and dutch cheese of Eddicashun, but he most strong]y objected
to giving ’em its Port Wine! ” if he had only hadded speshaliy ’74,
I should, I bleeve, have shouted out “Here! Here!” though the Field
Marshall was close by me with his undrawn sword.
’Stonishing wot infermation one gits at Gildhall. Who wood have
ever found out, except a Common Counsellman, that the poor children j
in Bored Skools is so owerworked that it has shortened all the
Sojers in the Army by about half a hinch in length, and a hole un in
sircumfrence round the Chestes ! And wood eny other common man
ha’ had the pluck to say as he offen and offen seed children a-playing
in the gutters who was as tali as he was, and that must have been
about 5 foot 8!
One or too of the young members tried to git in a word or too for
the Poor Skool Bored, who they sed never has no dinners, hut it
warn’t not of the least use. Whenewer they thought as they’d made
a pint, the awful words 8|d. sounded like a Hell in their years. Wot
was the use of forking about eddicated forren workmen taylors
a-cutting out our own hignerent snips as well as their coats, or of the j
hartistie forringer supplying all our French Clocks and onr Ginhevir
Welwets, the fatal signal 8J(/., tho it sounded like the prise of a
quorten lofe or a pound of sugger of long ears gone by, sent a shudder
all through the Cownsel Chamber as nuffin could resist, and I came
away with a strong conwiction against me that if our pore uneddi-
eated workmen wants to be let alone, and have their littel children
let run about the streets and enjoy theirselves as Hatur tort ’em to,
they ’d better apply for asistanee to the Court of Common Coun-
Wednesday.—Debate on Sunday Closing Bill. Quite an anecdotal
afternoon. Members relating personal experiences and those of
friends. Theodore Fry said he’d44 mixed among working men all
Ms life,” but didn’t mention the liquor. ^ Denzll Onslow gave
interesting imitations of 44 a converted clown ” and 14 a saved miner.
Offered to sing 44 JPe ,ve left the Barrel,’ or 44Hurrah fov the Pump.
House hastily declined. Then he said he 4 4 knew a member of the
Ministry who played lawn-tennis on a Sunday.” All eyes severely
turned on Dodson.
C. S. Dead brought tears to the eyes of Lord Mayor when he
described how, being in Texas with another Member, found Sunday
Closing in force, and couldn’t find back-door into bar. After sus-
tained effort, came upon it and seem to have had high old time.
Marriott didn’t deny prevalence of drunkenness, but hinted that
Chamberlain responsible for it. W. H. Smith gave the tip to his
constituents. 44 If pubs closed in London on Sundays, only have to go
to Greenwich or Turnham Green,” says he, 44 and you order what you
like.” Most remarkable statement by Cavendish Bentinck. “Almost
impossible to get drunk on a Sunday,” he said, with pathetic tone
of regret in his voice. Grand Cross took no part in Debate, but
pricked up his ears at this statement of curious fact by eminent
authority. Warton so interested in discussion didn’t observe quarter
to six approach. Talked up to the hour and so talked Bill out.
Business done.—Hone.
Thursday.—44 Anything been seen of Gladstone?” whispered Sir
S. Horthcote to W, H. Smith, as he took his seat to-night.
44 Ho. He’s all right. Safe at Coombe Warren.”
44 Then I Warren’t he won’t Coombe here to-day,” says Sir Staf-
ford, beguiled into making little joke.
At half-past five Premier suddenly entered.
44 Betrayed ! ” cried Sir Stafford, ashy pale to the lip>s. 44 Ran-
dolph ’s at the bottom of this.”
“ It’s all right.” said W. H. Smith, vainly trying to hide his own
nervousness. 44 He’s only looked in for Questions. Go off after.”
Spirits on Front Bench raised when W. E. G. passed over to
IIartington duty of answering Stafford’s shorter catechism.
“Told you so,” Smith chuckled. 44 He can’t speak. Poor old
man! Wish he’d take more care of himself. Hot at all a bad
fellow, when he’s quiet.”
Horthcote moved the Adjournment. Conservative Party, united
for once, supported him. Opening made, proceeded to trot round
and round old well-worn track, barrel-organ grinding out the tune
44 What’s your Policy in Egypt ? ”
44 What’s he stopping for? ” Smith murmured, glancing uneasily
across the table. “Why doesn’t he go home before evening dews
fall ? Begad, he’s taking notes! Don’t like look of things.”
Horthcote down; Gladstone up, evidently in white heat of
passion.
44 Dear me, dear me ! ” said Horthcote, thrusting his hands up his
coat-sleeves to get them, at least, out of harm’s way. 44 Wish I’d
never gone in for this. Didn’t want to ; knew it was a mistake ; but
warned if I didn’t Randolph would.”
_ Gladstone stamped around in right royal wrath. 44 Like Bengal
tiger whose dinner’s been stolen,” says Macfarlane, who’s been in
India. Spoke for only thirty minutes. When he sat down nothing
left of Conservative pretensions to patriotism. Only the torn shreds
of general obstruction with special reference to the Franchise Bill.
Worst of it was, Horthcote having been shoved unwillingly to the
fore, was left there by party, who tailed off till, at half-past eight,
not a dozen Members present to hear him meekly ask permission to
withdraw Motion for Adjournment.
44 Hext time tMs is to be done,” he said, feeling himself all over to
see if any bones were broken, 44 you must get someone else to do it.
I have had enough.”
Business done.—Lords sent down a Measure called 44 Bolton-le-
Sands and Warton Reclamation Bill.” Read a Second Time. General
impression is, case hopeless.
Friday. Quite a quiet evening, considering Ireland and Irish
Magistracy were subject of discussion. Justin McCarthy moved a
Resolution on subject in speech of conspicuous moderation. Fixed
attention of House, which concluded there really was something
wanted looking into. Looked into it all night quietly and reasonably
till windbag Sexton appeared on scene, followed by Tim Healy,
who abused Trevelyan as if he had not frankly admitted the
grievance, ana undertaken to see it righted. These two speeches
necessary for Irish report. Wouldn’t do to let it be seen that modera-
tion of manner and reasonable argument have any effect in Saxon
House of Commons. Business done.—Annual Army Bill passed.
. Olr excellent old _friend,. Mrs. Ramsbotham, is deeply interested
in political and social subjects. She says, apropos of one of the
burning questions of the day, that she can quite understand Sir
Vernon Harcourt’s statement of the popular objection to what
Mr. Chamberlain calls “ tlnurned Incremation.”
“ ROBERT ” AT GUILDHALL.
I sorntered the other day into Gildall and erd my old trends the
Common Counsellmen a trying to himitate the Ouse of Commons,
by having a werry long fork about a matter with witch they hadn’t
nothmk to do, and thereby negleckting there own affairs. It did
emuse me, it did, to hear my old paytrons almost a cussing and a
swairing about Eddicatin the Peeple. How, though they’re as good
and as jolly a set of fellers as I ewer waits on, and knows as mutch
about the hart and sience of reel dining as ewen a Royal Prinse,
they haynt what we shood call quite the reel Turtel as regards eddi-
cashun. Their eonwersayshun at dinner is all rite enuff. Many on
’em are just as par tickler as us, and chewses their words more care-
fooler even than we does, but it’s ginerally always about the same
top picks, and them’s not littery nor skientifiick.
The Gent as throwd off fust was ewidently a Common Counsellor
of Skotch extracshun, for he said, as pussonally he rayther liked
eddicaskun if it didn’t cost nuffin, but the fust thort in all matters,
big or little, was the Siller, and 8hd. was the last straw as broke the
Rate Payers back, and you shood never teech a child more than his
Farther knowed, or he’d despige him, and this was wot he called
trew adwansing eddicashnn, and I for one quite agrees with him
there. He was follered by a line looking Gent, who said as the
Skool Board was a teeching all the little children chimistry and
druggistry and Lattin, and yet they found time enuff to be a running
about in the gutter all day long, as they did afore, which was rayther
a staggerer for me.
Another Gent said, if they was a going for to eddicate all the
people hup to their hown level, where was they to git their servants
from ? Ah, where indeed ? And then he told ’em a fact as is a reel
and werry sad fact, namely that hundreds and hundreds of poor
germans comes over to London ewery year to learn our butiful
langwidge, and ware do they go to for to lern it in all its helegance ?
Why they turns waiters, and cums to hus! That of course don’t
supprize me, cos with our constant assoshiation with Aldermen and
Common Counsellmen, we nat’rally forms about the werry best skool
for the puppose ; but see wot tollers, langwidge being their prinsipel
hobject, they don’t care nuffin about their own wages, and so nat’rally
rejewses ours, and after a year or too of our sosiety they leaves our
onerabel calling perfect in langwidge and refined in manners, and
becomes Merchants and Bankers. Wot more nat’ral then, than I
shood jine the Copperashun in denounsing Eddicashnn, them for the
crushing w'eight of 8hd., me for the reducktion of my lawfool wages.
Sir John Bennit sed as how as if we hadn’t more eddicashnn for
our Watch makers, we coudn’t expect to have good english watches,
and pulling out a grate big gold watch about as big as a turnip, sed
as how as if you wanted a watch like that you must go to Swizzle-
land, for there wasn’t a Watchman in all Clarkandwell as he cond
trust ewen to clean it. What a complement to Clarkandwell! He
had the owdasity, too, to speak of his oponents as old fogies, and to
look forard with satisfakshun to the time when they wood he gone
to a higher spear, and leave the world to go on without ’em ! and
even spoke of a reel Deputty without calling him by his onered
title, and wen cauled to order by the indignent Lord Mare, acshally
said as he always spoke of His Lordship, out of doors, as Foavler !
One Member, who I was told has a grate deal to do with Littery -
ture, made a speech after my own art, when he said, that 44 he for
one hadn’t not no objecshun to givving to Poor Children the dry
bread and dutch cheese of Eddicashun, but he most strong]y objected
to giving ’em its Port Wine! ” if he had only hadded speshaliy ’74,
I should, I bleeve, have shouted out “Here! Here!” though the Field
Marshall was close by me with his undrawn sword.
’Stonishing wot infermation one gits at Gildhall. Who wood have
ever found out, except a Common Counsellman, that the poor children j
in Bored Skools is so owerworked that it has shortened all the
Sojers in the Army by about half a hinch in length, and a hole un in
sircumfrence round the Chestes ! And wood eny other common man
ha’ had the pluck to say as he offen and offen seed children a-playing
in the gutters who was as tali as he was, and that must have been
about 5 foot 8!
One or too of the young members tried to git in a word or too for
the Poor Skool Bored, who they sed never has no dinners, hut it
warn’t not of the least use. Whenewer they thought as they’d made
a pint, the awful words 8|d. sounded like a Hell in their years. Wot
was the use of forking about eddicated forren workmen taylors
a-cutting out our own hignerent snips as well as their coats, or of the j
hartistie forringer supplying all our French Clocks and onr Ginhevir
Welwets, the fatal signal 8J(/., tho it sounded like the prise of a
quorten lofe or a pound of sugger of long ears gone by, sent a shudder
all through the Cownsel Chamber as nuffin could resist, and I came
away with a strong conwiction against me that if our pore uneddi-
eated workmen wants to be let alone, and have their littel children
let run about the streets and enjoy theirselves as Hatur tort ’em to,
they ’d better apply for asistanee to the Court of Common Coun-