Punch (86.1884)

>66

PUNCH, OH THE LONDON CHAHIYARl.

[June 7, 1884'.

TRUE MODESTY.

Mr. Spinks. “ I had such a beautiful Dream last night, Miss Briggs !

I THOUGHT I WAS IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN-—”

Miss Briggs (with simplicity). “And did Eve appear as she is generally
REPRESENTED, Mr. SPINKS?”

Mr. Spinks. “I—I—I—I didn’t Look !”

SWAINS AND SPARROWS.

“ The Farmers’ Club of Wirral has just indulged in a caprice which deserves the early
notice not only of all lovers of birds, but of every person confessing to any feelings of
humanity. It is reported to have issued a notice, intended to be posted throughout the
district which has the honour to be within its jurisdiction, offering a farthing each, or,
rather, threepence a dozen, for sparrows and sparrow's’ eggs presented before the end of
next September.”

Talk there is as touching Egypt—there may be a trifle more.

In the land of Egypt wonders, ye may know, were worked of yore.

Wot ye of the plagues of Egypt ?—Well, a word, then, to the wise.

Mind you on the land ye live in lest you bring a plague of flies!

Swarms of noxious, winged things, and insects into them that turn,

Which the small birds feed their chicks on—as ye !ve got e’en yet to learn.
Therefore you the hoys encourage useful sparrows to destroy.

Donkeys, for your own undoing so those urchins you employ!

Now, too, in the time of breeding, clowns combined in “ sparrow-clubs ; ”
When the little birds are busiest, working off the worms and grubs.

Friends to you, and benefactors, if you must exterminate,

Would you not be rather wiser if till harvest-time you’d wait ?

Know that, whilst the crop is growing, sparrows can’t consume your wheat,
Have but little else than larvae and the like meanwhile to eat,

Tarry until the grain has ripened and the corn in ear is brown,

So long ere you bid young bumpkins snare and stone and shoot them down.

“why SHOULD GORDON WAIT?”

“The Government going to employ an Expedition to relieve Gordon?”
said a prominent Opposition Statesman to Our Own Lobby Loafer. “Why,
Expedition is exactly the thing they won’t employ ! ”

GOOD MANNERS; OR, THE ART OF
BEING AGREEABLE.

No. YI.

Punctuality.—Time was made for slaves. Only the
slave is tied to time. Britons never shall be slaves;
ergo, Britons shall never be tied to time. You are a
Briton, and therefore are not tied to time. Your feUow-
Britons forget this. They will be the better subjects,
the better citizens, the more loyal, the more companion-
able for being reminded of their freedom. Not by words,
but by the force of your example.

The Hour and the Man.—When you are hidden to a
dinner at the absurd hour of six or half-past six, teach
your host, what he ought to have known already, that
this is not the hour when the Upper Ten dine; not
the hour, in fact, at which you have been accustomed
to take your evening repast. Give him this useful and
admirable Society-lesson in good manners by arriving at
from three-quarters to an hour late, and all the company
will thank you, if not publicly, at least they will be
silently grateful to you, you having constituted your-
self the champion of their fashionable status, and for
having made this dignified protest against the barbarism
of a man who will ask his guests to dine at 6’30, when
le beau monde doesn’t sit down to dinner till quite two
hours afterwards. To be before the time at dinner is to be
behind your age ; to be behind your age is to be out of the
world ; to be out of the world is to be dead and buried.

In the best Society when asked to dinner at 8"30,
you need not arrive till nine. In this case you will have
taken a substantial meal about four o’clock, and thus
provisioned, you may defy the assaults of the enemy.
Should you be the host, take for granted that aU your
guests have dined before coming to your hospitable enter-
tainment. This view, as resulting in a slight repast of
one soup, one fish, one joint, a platoi vegetables, a sweet,
and cheese, with champagne (handed round occasionally
and poured into small glasses), and St. Galmier water
(handed round' every five minutes and poured into
tumblers), will conduce towards economy and the preser-
vation of health. During dinner you can lecture on Sir
Henry Thompson’s admirable book on Food and Feed-
ing, and strongly recommend your toast.-and-water,
which may have been three hours in bottle and have
got quite a crust on it—or in it. Your guests will all
agree with you, and your dinner will agree with your
guests. It will only last a short time, and with the
last mouthful of cheese, you, having discarded the old
toping fashion of port and claret with dessert, will at
once have coffee and cigarettes handed round, and,
these finished, you will give your company to understand
that they have had as much as is good for them, and
that there is an end of the entertainment. This will
have lasted from say 8‘30 (you, as host, must sit down
punctually to the moment, to show you are a gourmet
to whom one minute makes a difference in the cooking
of the fish or joint) to 10‘0 at the latest, and your house
will be cleared by 10‘30, and you in bed by eleven, as
your guests may also be if they follow your wise example,,
Thus may hospitality and sociability he enlisted in the
service of health ; for without health there is no true
enjoyment of life. Were my rules carefully observed,
mankind generally would be happier.

Rules.—Learn cards early in life. In choosing a pro-
fession, elect to become a Professional Whist, Piquet,
and Fcarte player. Men of other professions may make
a large income, but they will not make it with such ease
and in such pleasant surroundings as will the Profes-
sional Whist-player. I select the Whist-playingprofession
as being the top of the tree. It is one of the few Secret
Professions in existence. The Barrister, the Lawyer, the
Clergyman, the Doctor, the Soldier, the Sailor, must
advertise themselves ; i.e.. must wear a distinctive dress,
and be much before the Public. The Professional Musician
must have his instrument, the Physician his consulting-
room, the Actor his Theatre, the Singer his engagement,
and so forth. But the Anonymous Journalist and the
Whist-player belong to two secret professions, in which
they may enjoy a lucrative practice for many years,
nay, even for a lifetime, without anyone discovering
what are the “ means by which they live.” Give the
Journalist pen and paper, give the Professional Whist-
plaver his pack of cards, and both are furnished for their
flight.