DOI Heft:
June 7, 1884
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17756#0281
276
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 7, 1884.
“ ROBERT ” AFTER THE DERBY.
Having no perfeshnal engagement for the great Darby day, gents
being all too jolly tired when they gits to Town to think much of
dining out, me and Brown made up our minds to have a reel grand
outing down to Hepsom and back. We had both herd of the
undoutful sort of company as one sumtimes meats on these great
ocasions, so, like sensibel chaps as w7e is, we fust made our linanshal
calkerlations, and found as we could have all the fun of the fare for
about a pound a peace, and this we changed, and distributed in our
warious pockets in case of accidence. We went fust-class as they
was all alike, but ony single fare, as we might pick up a frend on
the road back. Our cumpany coud scarcely be called mixt, as they
was all much alike, and torked to us quite familiar on our way
down, and kindly made us most temting offers against all the
favourites, but Brown said, as cool as a cowcumber, that our Books
was both made up, and nothink wouldn’t induce us not to open ’em
again. One gent, who looked like a innocent countryman, then
perduced a pack of cards, and wanted us to try the 3 card trick,
but we both larfed and said, No thanky! wen he got quite cross,
and asked weather we dowted him, to which we replied suttenly not,
no more we did, we hadn’t no dout at all about him.
Wen we got on to the Coarse, the wind and the dust was so preshus
cold and blinding, that we took refuse in an harf-crown stand, and
there we could see everythink excep the horses, for the peepel in
front wood keep there hats on. As we was both determined to go
the hole animal as reel Sporting Gents, we bet upon every one of the
five races, that is, I bet Brown a shilling on each ewent, and, strange
to say, lost ’em all, excep on the dead eat, wen I was so fortnate as
not to lose coffin. How they could call it a dead eat estonished me,
for one of the two horses was ever so far in front of the other when
they stopt. But, lor, there’s no understanding all as you sees on a
race-coarse, unless you was born there. For instance now, why
should there be such a bitter prejudice against Welshmen ? We saw
a poor fellow being nocked about most shameful, and all because he
was a Welshman! As my own lawful Mother was a Welshman, I
wanted to go to his rescue, but Brown sed I had better not, for the
British Public doesn’t like to be hinterfered with in their little harm-
less gratificashuns.
After the Darby was run, but not wun, we both felt wunderful
hungry, so we rushed off to Carelesses to get sum dinner, and if
that wasn’t a site to estonish two hed Waiters, I never seed one yet.
Fancy about 10,000 hungry peeple all wanting dinner at wunce, and
all a wanting it fust. It was a bitter cold day for everybody else,
but dredful hot for the pore Waiters a perspiring at every pore. I
felt harf inclined to off with my best coat and go and elp ’em, but
Brown said no, we must keep up our character, and so we did, for
we was waitin for nearly a hole our before we got nothink. I never
complanes of charges myself, it would not be perfeshonal, but 3s. 6d.
for a bit of cold beef and a tator and a pint of bitter, ain’t so bad,
Mr. Careless, but still, it’s a long ways to bring ’em, and it’s ony
wunce a year, and it was wunderful good of its kind, and I was told,
arter I ’d gorged myself with beef, that I might have had all the
dellycassies of the season if I’d only a asked for ’em.
Arter the racing was all over we strolled up to the Corner, to see
the fun at crossing the Coarse. And a grand treat it was. Weather
it was the bitter cold weather, or the freezing East Wind, or the
storm of Dust, of course I don’t know, but so many werry fresh
young Coach Men and old Post Boys I never seed afore, and the
crashing, and the smashing, and the screaming, and the swearing,
was somethink quite lovely ! How we lookers on did all enjoy it!
It was a good deal past six when we got to the stashun, and if
there wasn’t a crowd there, well, I never seed one, that’s all. We
learnt that by waiting a little we could get up to Town for Is. 6d.
each, so we waited. How it was ever done I can’t think, but while
I was a paying my fair, some one burglariously robbed me of 3s. 6d.
I can’t for one moment think as it was the werry frendly person who
so kindly warned me against thimble-riggers and card-sharkers,
becoz if ever 1 seed a pictur of simple onesty I seed it in him, and he
kep so close to me and took such care of me that he was quite like a
brother-in-law to me.
When we got to London Bridge, I took stock of my finances, and
found myself with just one shilling left, so I treated myself to a glass
of ale, and took the Bus homewards, and arrived at my Ebode of
Bliss with just sixpence left. And of all the hundreds of thousands
who wisited Hepsom on that memorerabbble day, I wunder how many
can say, as I can, that he went down fust class, hoccupied a stand,
had a good holesome dinner, lost his money on all the races but won.
had his pocket picked, travelled to town, had more refreshment, and
more travelling, and took home change out of a Sovereign. I quite
hleeve as I can say, “ Alone I did it! ” Robert
A British Mahdi (Definition by a Gentleman who did not win
by the Derby).—-The Prophet of your Sporting Paper!
CABINET COUNCIL EXTBAORDINABY.
On Monday last every member of the Administration of a certain
rank received an invitation to meet the Premier at his country
residence. There was a good attendance.
“ My dear friends,” said the Bight Hon. Gentleman, “ it occurred
to me, while felling the last few trees that still are to be found in
the neighbourhood of Hawarden, that perhaps, if you had nothing
better to do, you would like to finish the Whitsuntide vacation by
considering the London Government Bill.”
“Charmed!” “Delighted!” “ Too glad !” was heard on all sides.
The Premier said he was much pleased to see the unusual amount
of unanimity that prevailed among them all, and which he trusted
would continue while discussing the details of this very important,
but, he feared, not very popular measure. There seemed to be a large
amount of opposition to it. Could the Home Secretary explain ?
The Home Secretary had not heard of any opposition worth
speaking of. Of course the old Corporation, and the young Board of
Works, and the Vestries, opposed it; but who cared for the Vestries,
while they were supported by the whole of the Municipal Deform
League, including his three intimate friends, Messrs: Ayrton, Firth,
and Beal, and all the Democratic Clubs of Chelsea.
The Premier asked how about the Date-payers ?
The Home Secretary said the fact seemed to be, that because his
grand scheme would probably increase the beggarly rates some fifty
percent., these poor spiritless fellows were beginning to grumble.
How can you have great change without great expense ?
Premier: Well, personally, I don’t much care for this sweeping
change; but of course I shall adopt that particular course, out of
the three that occur to me, that my colleagues prefer. So pray speak
freely.
The Foreign Secretary said that, with the greatest possible
respect for the Home Secretary, and for the result of his Herculean
labours, he was bound to say that there was a very strong prejudice
against the Bill in the House of Lords, as the abolition of an ancient
and popular Institution that has existed as long as the House of
Lords itself, might possibly be taken as a precedent.
The President of the. Local Government Board said that per-
haps that might be considered, by philosophical Dadicals like him-
self, rather an argument in its favour, but he confessed that he,
personally, detested one huge cast-iron system for the local self-
government of four millions of people, much preferring variety of
administration, which produced a healthy feeling of rivalry, such as
they generally witnessed in their own divided Councils.
The Secretary for War said, of course he had not read a line of
the Monster Bill, as he had heard it called, and he sincerely pitied
any poor devil who was compelled to do so, as it must be an awful
bore, but he had been informed that it contained a good deal of con-
fiscation, and he confessed that, as the heir to a Dukedom with
rather a decent rent-roll, he never heard that awful word without
a shudder.
The President of the Board of Trade said that he did not
share the noble Lord’s fears so far as Land was concerned, as the
Laws relating to Land were so infamously had, that any alteration
must necessarily be an improvement—(“ Oh!”)—but his experience
at Birmingham had taught him that one huge Municipality, such as
now proposed, must necessarily be a huge failure for Municipal pur-
poses ; of course it would offer a splendid opportunity for establishing
a most magnificent political Caucus.
The Lord Chancellor shared very largely in the fears expressed
by the Secretary for War, for what with this BUI, which confis-
cated the property of the Corporation, and what with the Bill about
to be introduced by the Secretary for the Colonies, for confiscating
the property of the Livery Companies, confiscation would soon be rife
in the City, and it wras scarcely likely it would stop there.
The Secretary7 for the Colonies said that he had no such cowardly
fears, since he had demonstrated that a poor Agricultural Labourer
could buy a square yard of freehold land for the price of a pot of beer,
so all that important class of the community now had to do, was to
give up beer and buy land, and so become, in time, large landed pro-
prietors. and then wrho would talk of confiscation ?
The Home Secretary said that every argument, or what he sup-
posed was intended for argument, used concerning his magnificent
plan, was so thoroughly irrelevant, or so exquisitely absurd, that he
would not waste either their or his own time in demolishing them,
further than saying, in the kindest and most conciliatory manner,
that if his Bill were as great a muddle as their Egyptian Policy, as
insulting as their Shipping Bill, as silly as their depreciation of the
Coinage, or as cowardly as their treatment of Gordon, he would
withdraw it at once !
The Council broke up in great disorder.
“ Small by Degrees, rut (not) beautifully Less.”—The
Duke’s Statue at Hyde Park Corner.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 7, 1884.
“ ROBERT ” AFTER THE DERBY.
Having no perfeshnal engagement for the great Darby day, gents
being all too jolly tired when they gits to Town to think much of
dining out, me and Brown made up our minds to have a reel grand
outing down to Hepsom and back. We had both herd of the
undoutful sort of company as one sumtimes meats on these great
ocasions, so, like sensibel chaps as w7e is, we fust made our linanshal
calkerlations, and found as we could have all the fun of the fare for
about a pound a peace, and this we changed, and distributed in our
warious pockets in case of accidence. We went fust-class as they
was all alike, but ony single fare, as we might pick up a frend on
the road back. Our cumpany coud scarcely be called mixt, as they
was all much alike, and torked to us quite familiar on our way
down, and kindly made us most temting offers against all the
favourites, but Brown said, as cool as a cowcumber, that our Books
was both made up, and nothink wouldn’t induce us not to open ’em
again. One gent, who looked like a innocent countryman, then
perduced a pack of cards, and wanted us to try the 3 card trick,
but we both larfed and said, No thanky! wen he got quite cross,
and asked weather we dowted him, to which we replied suttenly not,
no more we did, we hadn’t no dout at all about him.
Wen we got on to the Coarse, the wind and the dust was so preshus
cold and blinding, that we took refuse in an harf-crown stand, and
there we could see everythink excep the horses, for the peepel in
front wood keep there hats on. As we was both determined to go
the hole animal as reel Sporting Gents, we bet upon every one of the
five races, that is, I bet Brown a shilling on each ewent, and, strange
to say, lost ’em all, excep on the dead eat, wen I was so fortnate as
not to lose coffin. How they could call it a dead eat estonished me,
for one of the two horses was ever so far in front of the other when
they stopt. But, lor, there’s no understanding all as you sees on a
race-coarse, unless you was born there. For instance now, why
should there be such a bitter prejudice against Welshmen ? We saw
a poor fellow being nocked about most shameful, and all because he
was a Welshman! As my own lawful Mother was a Welshman, I
wanted to go to his rescue, but Brown sed I had better not, for the
British Public doesn’t like to be hinterfered with in their little harm-
less gratificashuns.
After the Darby was run, but not wun, we both felt wunderful
hungry, so we rushed off to Carelesses to get sum dinner, and if
that wasn’t a site to estonish two hed Waiters, I never seed one yet.
Fancy about 10,000 hungry peeple all wanting dinner at wunce, and
all a wanting it fust. It was a bitter cold day for everybody else,
but dredful hot for the pore Waiters a perspiring at every pore. I
felt harf inclined to off with my best coat and go and elp ’em, but
Brown said no, we must keep up our character, and so we did, for
we was waitin for nearly a hole our before we got nothink. I never
complanes of charges myself, it would not be perfeshonal, but 3s. 6d.
for a bit of cold beef and a tator and a pint of bitter, ain’t so bad,
Mr. Careless, but still, it’s a long ways to bring ’em, and it’s ony
wunce a year, and it was wunderful good of its kind, and I was told,
arter I ’d gorged myself with beef, that I might have had all the
dellycassies of the season if I’d only a asked for ’em.
Arter the racing was all over we strolled up to the Corner, to see
the fun at crossing the Coarse. And a grand treat it was. Weather
it was the bitter cold weather, or the freezing East Wind, or the
storm of Dust, of course I don’t know, but so many werry fresh
young Coach Men and old Post Boys I never seed afore, and the
crashing, and the smashing, and the screaming, and the swearing,
was somethink quite lovely ! How we lookers on did all enjoy it!
It was a good deal past six when we got to the stashun, and if
there wasn’t a crowd there, well, I never seed one, that’s all. We
learnt that by waiting a little we could get up to Town for Is. 6d.
each, so we waited. How it was ever done I can’t think, but while
I was a paying my fair, some one burglariously robbed me of 3s. 6d.
I can’t for one moment think as it was the werry frendly person who
so kindly warned me against thimble-riggers and card-sharkers,
becoz if ever 1 seed a pictur of simple onesty I seed it in him, and he
kep so close to me and took such care of me that he was quite like a
brother-in-law to me.
When we got to London Bridge, I took stock of my finances, and
found myself with just one shilling left, so I treated myself to a glass
of ale, and took the Bus homewards, and arrived at my Ebode of
Bliss with just sixpence left. And of all the hundreds of thousands
who wisited Hepsom on that memorerabbble day, I wunder how many
can say, as I can, that he went down fust class, hoccupied a stand,
had a good holesome dinner, lost his money on all the races but won.
had his pocket picked, travelled to town, had more refreshment, and
more travelling, and took home change out of a Sovereign. I quite
hleeve as I can say, “ Alone I did it! ” Robert
A British Mahdi (Definition by a Gentleman who did not win
by the Derby).—-The Prophet of your Sporting Paper!
CABINET COUNCIL EXTBAORDINABY.
On Monday last every member of the Administration of a certain
rank received an invitation to meet the Premier at his country
residence. There was a good attendance.
“ My dear friends,” said the Bight Hon. Gentleman, “ it occurred
to me, while felling the last few trees that still are to be found in
the neighbourhood of Hawarden, that perhaps, if you had nothing
better to do, you would like to finish the Whitsuntide vacation by
considering the London Government Bill.”
“Charmed!” “Delighted!” “ Too glad !” was heard on all sides.
The Premier said he was much pleased to see the unusual amount
of unanimity that prevailed among them all, and which he trusted
would continue while discussing the details of this very important,
but, he feared, not very popular measure. There seemed to be a large
amount of opposition to it. Could the Home Secretary explain ?
The Home Secretary had not heard of any opposition worth
speaking of. Of course the old Corporation, and the young Board of
Works, and the Vestries, opposed it; but who cared for the Vestries,
while they were supported by the whole of the Municipal Deform
League, including his three intimate friends, Messrs: Ayrton, Firth,
and Beal, and all the Democratic Clubs of Chelsea.
The Premier asked how about the Date-payers ?
The Home Secretary said the fact seemed to be, that because his
grand scheme would probably increase the beggarly rates some fifty
percent., these poor spiritless fellows were beginning to grumble.
How can you have great change without great expense ?
Premier: Well, personally, I don’t much care for this sweeping
change; but of course I shall adopt that particular course, out of
the three that occur to me, that my colleagues prefer. So pray speak
freely.
The Foreign Secretary said that, with the greatest possible
respect for the Home Secretary, and for the result of his Herculean
labours, he was bound to say that there was a very strong prejudice
against the Bill in the House of Lords, as the abolition of an ancient
and popular Institution that has existed as long as the House of
Lords itself, might possibly be taken as a precedent.
The President of the. Local Government Board said that per-
haps that might be considered, by philosophical Dadicals like him-
self, rather an argument in its favour, but he confessed that he,
personally, detested one huge cast-iron system for the local self-
government of four millions of people, much preferring variety of
administration, which produced a healthy feeling of rivalry, such as
they generally witnessed in their own divided Councils.
The Secretary for War said, of course he had not read a line of
the Monster Bill, as he had heard it called, and he sincerely pitied
any poor devil who was compelled to do so, as it must be an awful
bore, but he had been informed that it contained a good deal of con-
fiscation, and he confessed that, as the heir to a Dukedom with
rather a decent rent-roll, he never heard that awful word without
a shudder.
The President of the Board of Trade said that he did not
share the noble Lord’s fears so far as Land was concerned, as the
Laws relating to Land were so infamously had, that any alteration
must necessarily be an improvement—(“ Oh!”)—but his experience
at Birmingham had taught him that one huge Municipality, such as
now proposed, must necessarily be a huge failure for Municipal pur-
poses ; of course it would offer a splendid opportunity for establishing
a most magnificent political Caucus.
The Lord Chancellor shared very largely in the fears expressed
by the Secretary for War, for what with this BUI, which confis-
cated the property of the Corporation, and what with the Bill about
to be introduced by the Secretary for the Colonies, for confiscating
the property of the Livery Companies, confiscation would soon be rife
in the City, and it wras scarcely likely it would stop there.
The Secretary7 for the Colonies said that he had no such cowardly
fears, since he had demonstrated that a poor Agricultural Labourer
could buy a square yard of freehold land for the price of a pot of beer,
so all that important class of the community now had to do, was to
give up beer and buy land, and so become, in time, large landed pro-
prietors. and then wrho would talk of confiscation ?
The Home Secretary said that every argument, or what he sup-
posed was intended for argument, used concerning his magnificent
plan, was so thoroughly irrelevant, or so exquisitely absurd, that he
would not waste either their or his own time in demolishing them,
further than saying, in the kindest and most conciliatory manner,
that if his Bill were as great a muddle as their Egyptian Policy, as
insulting as their Shipping Bill, as silly as their depreciation of the
Coinage, or as cowardly as their treatment of Gordon, he would
withdraw it at once !
The Council broke up in great disorder.
“ Small by Degrees, rut (not) beautifully Less.”—The
Duke’s Statue at Hyde Park Corner.