Punch (86.1884)

June 21.

PUNCH, UK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

299


PARLIAMENTARY VIEM5‘N§ 16'. THE LADIES'NIGHT orPetticoatGovernment.

A% SSEMCE Of PARLIAMENT.

w' | EXTRACTED FROM

THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.R

House of Commons, Monday, June 9.—Woodall about the House
again to-night; back from Aix-les-Bains. Hardly knew him.
Cheeks hollow, eyes unnaturally bright, limbs shrunk, shoulders
bowed, and one leg fully an inch in girth stouter than the other.

“Don’t seem to have left your aches at Aix,” I said, with true
compassion, for there ’s not a better fellow in the House than Wood-
all, though apt to be imposed upon by Lovely.Woman.

“ Ho, Toby,” he said, with weary, listless air. “ There are some
aches that no baths can wash away. Mine are heart-aches. Haven’t

had a moment’s peace since I took up this conf-- I mean this great

cause of Woman’s Suffrage. Never knew till now the deathless per-
sistency of Woman. Night and day she pursues me. Dread the
postman’s knock ; began of late to go out the back way, but they ’re
round there now. May as well go out like ordinary householder
who ’s paid his taxes. Great mistake for single man to undertake
the work. Caine should have done it, or, better still, Jacob Bright
should have stuck to it. He was all right, I believe. In his time
question kept strictly on broad political grounds. Good-looking
young fellow, unmarried, has no business in this Galley. L. B. does
her best to keep crowd off ; but begin to suspect L. B. herself. Wish
it was over. Couldn’t survive another fortnight.”

Newry Riots up at Question Time. Gibson severely asks whether
Parnell’s friends in peacefully peregrinating Newry were advised
by police not to pass Orange Hall ? . This too much for Tre-
velyan. Orange Hall, it appears, is in main street. Why should
Parnellites go by back-way because two ferocious Orangemen waiting
for them in hall with loaded pistols ? House has suffered a good deal
with Parnellites, but loudly cheers Trevelyan’s generous outburst.

Franchise Bill went, off to-night in Committee like "can of dyna-
mite, only nobody hurt. Little revolt by Scotland : something about
payment of Poors’-Rates. The Mackintosh moved Amendment. On
Division defeated by 194 Yotes to 9 ; upon which The Mackintosh
folded himself up with deftness only acquired by lifelong habit, buckled
strap, and got Ramsay to carry him out of the House. “ Put me away
for a rainy day,” he said, with tear (or perhaps raindrop) in his voice.

At ten minutes past One, Christopher Sykes discovered on his
legs, curiously regarding Speaker through eyeglass; evidently quite
surprised to discover someone in the Chair. As he was there, however,
Christopher begged to move the Second Reading of the Oyster,
Crab, and Lobster Bill. Loud cheers from all parts of the House.
Cries for further explanation. Rather a bore to explain a Bill,
especially with new pair of gloves on. But must be done. Seems

that oysters taken to swallowing each other, which leads to scarcity;
crabs no longer walk backward into basket, and lobsters claim to
have a voice in the components of salad. “It is, Sir,” Christo-
pher observed, with a fresh look of surprise in face at discovering
Speaker still in Chair, “ with no shellfish purpose that I move in
this matter, but these things must be nipped in the bud. It is enough
to have Agricultural Labourer demanding Franchise. Can’t permit
spirit of revolution to extend to our shellfish.” Loud cheers, during
which Christopher, after solemnly staring all round, resumed seat.

Business done—Original clauses of Franchise Bill passed through
Committee.

Tuesday.—Saw Woodall again at Seven to-night. Looks ten
years younger, cheeks filled up, both legs getting same size. “Got
my speech over, Toby,” he says, “ for which, thank Heaven. Never
catch me in mess like this again. Haven’t spent quiet night or day
for last two months. Free now, and mean to keen so. Got a couple
of notices written, one for back door, other for front. * Back in an
hour,’ it says. Women seeing that, will have to go away. Of
course they’ll come back in an hour, but they can’t do it for more
than day or week at most. If that doesn’t do, shall go to some quiet
place, and give out that I’m gone to China, leaving full address.
Women don’t like paying fivepence for postage, and that ’ll choke ’em
off. Perhaps one or two will follow. One, I’m sure, will. She can’t
get out and home under four months, then we shall be in Recess.
But it’s dreadful work, Toby, the scheming and dodging for honest
and innocent man. Begin now to understand position of Captain
Bunsby. Can’t read some passages in my Dombey and Son without
tears wetting the page.”

“ Well, you made a very good speech,” I said, seeing he was getting
low again. ‘‘Best statement of case yet done. But what did you
mean by marriage being the ‘ solitary vocation of woman ’ p ”

“Thinking of L. B.,” he said, in hoarse whisper. “ Cases where a
man, specially of amiable disposition, can’t avoid marriage. Still he
might like to take it solitary.”

Mr. Toots Mac.Iver down at quarter to Nine, peering into recesses
of Library, opening cupboard-doors-and smiling* vacuously at vacuity.

“ Don’t see many down yet,” he said. “ Thought there might be
one or two got in these places by mistake. Mr. Biggar promised me
a House at Nine, and I know he ’ll do it. Great thing for me to have
his patronage. Took me up up at "Birkenhead, you remember;
makes me quite easy about my seat there.,f

Quite true. Joseph Gillis has highest opinion of Mr. Toots.
Came down to-night at ten minutes to Nine.

“ Don’t you be afear’d,”he said to T., whose spectacles were dimmed
with emotion and excitement. “ Put your trust in Joseph and he ’U
pull you through.”