Punch (86.1884)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 21, 1884,

But Joseph didn’t. Notion of coming down at Arne to hear
Mr. Toots not attractive, even though coupled with opportunity of
having a shy at Chamberlain. So just as Mr. Toots ha^ commenced
to read his speech, written on backs of letters in own handwriting,
addressed to himself, House Counted Out.

“Shall I go for ’em,” said the Game Chicken, whom looTShad
provided with seat in Distinguished Strangers’ Gallery. Jest pint
’em out. Master, and I ’ll show ’em daylight through back of their
bloomin’ ’eads.” Game Chicken turned up cuffs and ominously fixed
eye on Joseph Gillis, who was crossing Lobby, and in another
moment would have been exceedingly surprised.

“No, no; come away,” said Mr. Toots, tremulously., All a
mistake. Of no consequence. These are my best friends.”

Business done.—Franchise Bill in Committee.

Wednesday.—“Any news to-day from Egypt?” I asked Lord

Edmond Fitzmaurice.

“ Yes,” he said, “there’s been another rising.”

“ What is it this time, the Wady-Halfians ? ”

“ No, the Nile.”

Don’t know much about foreign politics, not so much fop example
as Ashmead-Bartlett ; but this sounds bad. If the very rivers of a
country rise, things must be in dangerous way.

A very pleasant afternoon with Scotch Members. Something about
Ecclesiastical Assessments. Fancy things must be rather gloomy in
this respect. N ever heard anybody so melancholy as Sir Alexander
Gordon, till Colin Campbell appeared on scene. Emotion so pro-
found could hardly hear him, Seems to be sad case all round.
Depression shared by audience. Would have given half-a-crown for
one of Heart’s yells or Joseph Gillis’s shrill “ Hear-hears.” Deep
vein of prevailing sorrow in Scotch constitution. On the whole
would rather attend a funeral than the Adjourned Debate on the
Ecclesiastical Assessments (Scotland) Bill.

Thursday.—Tippittt Witchett, the Maori King, down to-day
with his Chiefs. Seats provided for them in Distinguished Strangers’
Gallery, usually occupied by friends of Irish Members. Nice intel-
ligent Gentleman TirpiTTr, though tattooed.

“ Think of having House of Commons of my own when I go back,
Toby,” he said. “ Rather fun to sit in big chair, and order fellows
round. Mean to be my own Speaker and Sergeant-at-Arms.”

“ I trust your Majesty has recovered from your recent indisposi-
tion ? ” I asked. Always respectful to Royalty, though, like Tim
Healy, wouldn’t know a Crown Prince if I met him in street. If I
had met Tippitty Witchett about Westminster, would have thought
he was going to Aquarium, or coming back after performance.

“Yes,all right now. Court Circular, I am told, said it was
rheumatism. Fact is, Toby, it was sausages. Saw dish of them, for
first time, at breakfast three days after I arrived. Tasted them ;
enchanted ; more like—ah ! well, don’t you know we never do it
now, but there was a time—well, in delicate flavour more like old
times than anything. Ate fourteen. Told they ’re bad things in hot
weather. Nobody looking; put two off dish into trousers-pocket.
Secretly ate them. That ’& what did it. Know better in future.
Draw the line at fourteen.”

Tippitty rather bored with House. The Great Chief Gobbly
Wobbly fell fast asleep whilst Lord John Manners speaking.
Tippitty chiefly struck by Stansfeld.

“Who’s that engaging young thing with hair nicely oiled and
parted down the middle ? ” he asked.

“ That’s the Right Hon. James Stanseeld.”

“ Funny ways you English have. Here’s a woman spoiled, and a
man not made. Suppose he’s Member for Middlesex ? ”

Some difficulty in waking up Gobbly Wobbly. Said he hadn’t
slept, much last night; would like to hear another speech.

Sell sausages?” Tippitty whispered, as we passed refreshment
counter.

j ‘Not in their native simplicity,” I said; “might get you one
! enveloped in thin crust of paste.”

Get me four, dear boy,” said His Majesty, a faint blush of eager
anticipation showing itself through tattoo-marks. Pressed four
I sausage-rolls into his dusky hand. Most interesting man. Quite a
Child of Nature. Business done.—Woodall’s Woman’s Suffrage
Clause rejected by 271 Votes against 135.

Friday. Franchise Bill taken at Morning Sitting. Seemed to be
I g1.0111" right through. But, with object of checking undue exubera-
tion on part of Government, Whitley, Warton, Hicks, Tomlin-
son’Tom Collins, and Charles Lewis interposed, and managed to
get Bill thrown over.

At Evening Sitting that young Sybarite, T. P. O’Connor, who
last week complained of absence of silver bells, Bath-chairs, and
livened servants m House, now took up question of Egyptian Loans.
Revelled m references to millions sterling. In fact, so free and easy
on matter that, as Goschen showed, not particular to twenty millions
sterling, here or there. Pretty to see Goschen rattling Tin Pot and
showing hov/ empty it is, except of parched-peas.

Business done.—Franchise Bill getting forrader.

AN IMPORTANT MEETING.

A meeting of the “ Look-a-head” Radical Club, of Chelsea, was j
held on Monday last, Mr. Froth presiding. Among the distin- !
guished visitors present were Digby Grand, Esq., Richard Swiv- j
eller, Esq., Mr. Deal, Mr. Jeremy Diddler, Baron Nathan, ;
Sidney Beer, Esq., M.P., Sir Blowitt Windbag, Mr. Micawber,
Mr. Alderman Badlle, the Hon. A. Hairtongue, Mr. Florry
Carnt, Mr. Bunkum, Mr. Grab, and many others.

The Chairman said that this meeting had been called to consider
what steps should be taken for the purpose of filling up the many
lucrative situations in the Grand New Municipality that would be
created by Sir William Harcourt’s magnificent Bill, when it
passed. (“ Hear, hear /”) They had had a long time to
wait. They had worked like Niggers, and stuck at no amount of
lying and slandering, so they could fairly lay claim to the first
choice in the numerous good berths that would be vacant. (Loud
Cheers.) He should be happy to receive any proposition that might
be suggested.

Digby Grand, Esq., said that he cordially agreed with every word
of their learned Chairman’s eloquent address, and he believed he
should strike a chord—not the lost chord—(a laugh)—with which
they would all harmonise, when he proposed that they should head
the list about to be sent to their grateful friend, Sir William Har-
court, by the name of their honoured President, as Deputy Mayor,
at a salary of £4,000 a-year. (Loud Cheers.)

This was seconded, in an eloquent speech, by Mr. Micawber, who
said he would -willingly surrender his claim to the coveted position,
not doubting but that something would turn up that, as the song
says, “would just suit him.” (Laughter and cheers.) The proposal
was carried nem. con.

The next office being that of Chamberlain, Mr. Jeremy Diddler
ventured to observe that, as the principal duty of that officer seemed
to consist in borrowing various sums of money, his long experience
in that line would seem to point him out as the right man in the
right place. This irresistible claim being at once admitted, he was
selected unanimously,—salary £3,000.

The office of Principal Trumpeter was at once assigned to SirBLOWriTT
Windbag. The office of Judge of the Small Debts Court was allotted
to Mr. Deal, his large experience in that direction being his prin-
cipal recommendation.

The Hon. A. Hairtongue thought that as the office of Remem-
brancer required a Gentleman of great tact, good temper, and
polished manners, perhaps he might be thought to be admirably
suited to that important position. (A laugh.) He was then selected.

Mr. Florry Carnt begged to suggest, that, as the office of Comp-
troller was created for the purpose of controlling any exaggerated,
or misleading, or untrue statement, made by any of his brother
officers, he thought that the Meeting, with their thorough knowledge
of his little peculiarities in this respect, and his well-known rever-
ence for the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, could
not do better than select him for this somewhat difficult position.

Sir Blowitt Windbag said that, on the principle of set a thia-f to
catch a thief—(“ Order ! ”)—he meant no offence, he would propose
that, which was carried.

The President said the next office to fill up would be that of City
Solicitor, and as that would, in the future, be an office of very grave
responsibility, as the largely-increased rates would, no doubt, be
received at first with great dissatisfaction, and would require much
firmness on the part of their legal adviser, he should propose that
their well-known friend Richard Swiveller, Esq., be selected for
that position.

Sidney Beer, Esq., M.P., said he was somewhat surprised to hear
this last statement of the President, as he, Mr. Beer, had always
declared, and so had his big brother, that there would be no increase
in the rates. Could the President say what the rates of the future
would be ?

The President confessed he could not_, as finance was not his forte :
in fact, he always carefully avoided it; but it had been publicly
stated by the Chief Commissioner of Works for the City, that it
would probably be about sixteen shillings in the pound, or about
three times the present amount.

The Treasurer was selected for the office of Common Crier. It was
objected that he had made a very good thing of his office by the
interest received upon his large balances, but he repudiated the
charge with indignation, as his largest balance had never reached
£300, and nearly the whole of that was drawn out in the following
month, to pay the expense of their frolicsome Lambs—(a laugh)—for
attending their bogus meetings.

The Club sat till a late hour, but, before separating, every member
present was able to join heartily in their popular chorus :—

“ I think in the new Municipalitee
I something have found that will just suit me !

And that was why I came here, my boys,

That was why I came here ! ”