Punch (98.1890)

12

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Januaby 4, 1890.

Squire.) And you, Sir, what in the name of fifty thousand jackasses,
do you mean by standing there grinning from ear to ear like a buck
nigger ? But I '11 not stand it any longer, Sir, not for a moment.
D'ye hear, you miserable turnip-faced bumpkin, d'ye hear?"
(Carried away by histrionic enthusiasm, Spinks brings his fist
down violently on the precise spot where a table ought to be, but
is not, standing. As a natural result, he hits himself with much
force on his leg. The others laugh, and the Ladies turn away giggling,
feeling that they ought to be sympathetic. The unfortunate Spinks
hurts himself considerably, and is furious. Coming, as it were, right
out of the part, and being temporarily himself again, only in a rage,
he addresses the Stage Manager.) Upon my soul, Boldeeo, this is
perfectly infamous. How often have I begged you to get that table
placed there at all costs, and time after time you forget it. I know

what it is; you want to make me ridiculous. But you '11 be d-

(suddenly remembers that ladies are present, and substitutes a milder
expletive)—confoundedly sorry for yourself when you find I'm
too lame to act, and the whole of your precious piece will be
ruined. Tou '11 none of yon get notices worth twopence from the
critics. [Limps up and down the Stage.

Miss Amelia Slimper (rather a novice, and anxious to make useful
acquaintances among the distinguished Amateurs—to Miss Kitty,
whispering). Are they very keen about notices ?

Miss Kitty (experienced in Amateurs). Keen! I should think
they were. They talk about nothing else when it's over.

Boldero (peaceably). Well, Spines, you know you smashed two
tables last week, and I thought we agreed to rehearse without one.
But I'll see it's there next time. Now then, Jaep! "Where's
Jaep? This is his entrance. Where the deuce is he? (Enter
Jaep as " Mr. Binns, Butler to Lord Shobthoen "). Dear me,'. Jaep,
what have you been up to ?

Jarp (vexed). What have I been up to ? I '11 tell you. I've been
learning my part, and it would be a good thing if everybody were to
follow my example, instead of talking all day.

Boldero. Jaep, don't be sarcastic. _ It doesn't suit you. Let's
see if you know your part, after all this.

Jabp (as Binns, without moving a muscle). "'Er Ladyship's com-
pliments, Colonel Debenhah, and she would like to see you."

Spinks (as Debenham). "Very well. Tell her I '11 come."

Jarp (as Binns). " Yes, Sir."

[Exit Jaep as Binns, but immediately becomes Jaep, and com-
plains to the young Ladies that these fellows never ivill re-
hearse properly. The professional Ladies sympathise with

him, and admit that it is very provoking, and Miss Amelia
takes the opportunity of expressing her confident opinion
that he, Jaep, will play his part admirably, and only won-
ders that he hasn't got more to do. Then somehow the
conversation wanders towards professional matters, and the
probability of Miss Amelia being engaged next season at a
fashionable London Theatre, fyc, fyc.
Miss Dorothy (aside, in a ivhisper, to Miss Kitty, alluding to
Jabp's recent exit). Is that all he's got to say ?

Miss Kitty (in same tone to Miss Doeothy). Not quite. He says,
" 'Er Ladyship is served! " in the next Act. A part like that takes
a deal of learning.

[ The rehearsal proceeds. Spuffil does wonders as " a young
man about town " ; Colonel Clumk performs the part of a
Country Clergyman in a manner suggestive rather of
a Drill-sergeant than a Vicar. Boldeeo having praised
Spinks, is pronounced by the latter to be unapproachable as
Lord Shobthoen. Ln the Third Act, Hall sings his song
about " the Boy in Buttons." On the previous day, he had
had a difference with Spinks and Boldeeo.
Boldero. I think that song's out of place. What say you, Spinks ?
Spinks. Well, it does sound just a trifle vulgar.
Boldero. Yes. I think we shall have to cut it, Hall. It'll do
for next year just as well. You can make it fit any piece ?

Hall (pale, but determined). If that song goes, I go too. Oh, yes,
Spinks, it 's all very well for you to be so blessed polite to Boldeeo,
but you didn't seem to think much of his acting (observes Spuffil
smiling) no, nor of Spufeil's either, when you spoke to me yester-
day : and as for Gushby, why we all know what Gushby is.

[All join in the fight, which continues for ten minutes.
Boldero (looking at his watch)._ Good heavens ! we shall miss our
train, and I've promised to look in on Ibving to-night. He'd never
forgive me if I didn't turn up.

[Smiles of quiet intelligence appear on the faces of the other
Amateurs, accompanied with a few winks, which like
" laughter in Court," are "immediately suppressed."
Exeunt omnes, severally, each pleased with himself, and
more or less disgusted with everybody else.
Miss Amelia (to Kitty). What a funny lot! Are they like that
every year ?

Miss Kitty. Yes, always. But (confidentially) they do come out
strong for a " ben."

[They retire to their lodgings for a little quiet tea and a rest.

MID-WINTER'S NIGHT'S DREAM.

Sueely Augustus Deoeiolanus has triumphed and beaten the
record! Por the last nine years it has been the cry, "There never
was so good a Pantomime as this one," and now again the shout is
Tepeated. Jack and the Beanstalk is the eleventh of the series, and
the best, "How it is done?" only Augustus can answer. The
Annual (no longer, alas! written by the gentle and genial E. L. B.)
has an excellent book. It contains something of all sorts. Now
we have Shakspeabe's fairy-land with Oberon, Titania, and Puck,
then Habey Nicholl's Royal Palace with Mr. Heebebt Campbell
and Miss Haebiet Vebnon, then Madame Katti Lanneb's Market
Place, with a number of the most promising of her pupils (of all ages
too, from the tiny child to the " ceased-growing-a-long-while-ago")
then Mrs. Simpson's Back Garden, with Mr. Geoege Conquest junior
as a giant, Mr. Dan Leno as a widow, and the Brothers Geiffiths
as the Cow Company Limited, and lastly, controlling the whole, we
have Mr. Augustus Haebis who is seen at his very best when we
reach the Giant's Library and the realms of Olympus.

And this Pantomime is not only beautiful but amusing. It has
two grand processions, but this year, by good, stage-management,
neither is tedious. The Shakspearean Heroines do a little play-
acting between whiles, and the gods and goddesses, or rather their
attendants, manoeuvre before the eye-becomes weary of watching
their approach. Por instance, Mars has scarcely time to swagger
down to the foot-lights in the most appropriate and approved fashion,

before hejfinds himself called upon to stand_ near a private box on
the prompt side, to be well out of the way of his dancing terpsichorean
satellites. Lady Macbeth has hardly "taken the daggers" before
King Lear (Mr. Lobbalne) is bringing a furtive tear to the eyes of
all beholders (one tear is sufficient at Christmastide) by his touching
pantomime in the presence of his three fair daughters.

Then, too, Mr. Habey Payne has his chance, and makes the
most of it. It was quite pleasant to see the Clown on Boxing-Night,
and those who left the theatre mindful of trains that will not delay
the hours fixed for their departure, must have determined (if they
were wise people) to come again to witness the remainder of the
performances. Then those who liked acrobats had the Leopold
Troupe, and a strong man who lifted up a horse (but did not have
his own name, or the name of his charger, on the programme) to
delight them. And it was also a pleasing reflection to remember
that the entertainment was the result of solid hard work, combined
with excellent judgment and taste. Paterfamilias could say to
Young Hopeful home for the holidays, " See here, my lad, the
lessee of our National Theatre could never have caused us so much
thorough enjoyment had he not worked with a wOl that you will do
well to imitate when you return to Dr. Swishtales' Academy at the
conclusion of the Christmas vacation."- And so all can cry with
genuine enthusiasm:—" A ve, Augustus! Ave, Dbueiolantts ! Ave,
Impebatok! Ave! Ave!—and Nicholls,"

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