Punch (98.1890)

96

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAKIVAEI.

[February 22, 1890.

round the Benches and-disappeared. " All very well once m. a way,
said Bond this afternoon, sinking into, a seat far removed from the
Cross Benches; "but it is foolish unnecessarily to court danger;
____ won't catch me standing at the bar any more

firff/S when Goest is orating."

. 1©, 'A ; And his word is as good as his Bond.

' After Mover and Seconder had completed their
story, Grand Old Man appeared at the table,
and talked for nearly an hour. Few to listen,
but that no matter. A rapt auditor in Old
Mobality, sitting forward with hands on knees,
eyes reverently fixed on orator, drinking in his
honeyed words. Something paternal in his
attitude towards Ministers. Here and there
they had done not quite the right thing. The
Maekiss, in particular, had been particularly
harsh to Portugal; but, on the whole, things
might have been worse.

Bless you, my children; bless you! " were
the last words of the Grand Old Man as he
stretched forth his hands across the table. Not
a dry eye on the Treasury Bench. Old Mobality
deeply touched, but through his sobs managed
to make acknowledgment of the unexpected
clemency. Business done.—Address Moved.

Thursday— The languor in which House
steeped since Debate on Address opened, not
varied to-night till, at ten o'clock, copies of
Report of Parnell Commission brought to Vote
Office. Then such a scrimmage as never before
seen.

At re-opening of Debate, Howorth started
off with reference to Portugal. Immediately
Before the Mouse came. Members, with one consent, went forth, dis-
covering that they had special business in the Lobby, the Library,
the Tea-room, anywhere out of the House. The Sage of Oueen
Anne's Gate had not even waited for resumption of Debate to
quit the scene; was comfortably ensconsed in Smoking-room, dis-
tilling words of wisdom to listening circle. Someone dropping in,
accidentally mentioned that Howobth had brought on Portugal

Fight for the Report of the Royal Commission.

business. Sage jumped up nearly as high as Bond when he saw
the Mouse. Had an Amendment on the paper referring to Por-
tugal ; had prepared a few paragraphs elucidating it. If opportunity
missed, speech would be lost. So bolted off; arrived just in time to
follow Howorth. Whilst discoursing, Our Latest Duke came in,
fresh from the pageant of his installation in House of Lords. Seated
in Peers' Gallery, toying with his walking-stick, thinking no evil,
started to hear his name mentioned. Sage's quick eye had caught
eight of him.

"Halloa!" said the Sage to himself, "here's a Duke; let's
throw arf a brick at him!"

So, with innocent manner and pretty assumption of ignorance of
the presence in Peers' Gallery of the highly favoured young gentle-
man with the walking-stick, the Sage traced all the evils of Central
Africa, leading directly up to the quarrel with Portugal, to the
action of the British South Africa Company, of which the Duke of
Fife, he said, was a Promoter and Director.

' Very odd thing;that, Toby," said the Duke, under his breath, as
he left the Gallery on tip-toe; " most remarkable coincidence; odds
seemed to be a thousand to one against it; and yet it came off.
Don't look into Peers' Gallery twice a year; yet on very night I
happened to be there for five minutes, Labby on his legs and talking
about Me I"

Business done.—Debate on Address.

Friday.—A dull night, uplifted, at outset, by powerful speech
from Paenell, and, towards finish, by Colonel Saundeeson riding
in, and slashing off heads all round. After him came Sheehy.
Splendid fellow, Sheehy ; must see more of him.

" What you want is blood!" Sheehy shouted across the House
at Balfour, lounging, dull and depressed, on Treasury Bench;
"I repeat the phrase—Blood! "

"Blood," said Satjndeeson, carelessly passing his hand through
the black locks that crown his lofty brow, " is not exactly a phrase.
Besides, after eight hours of this, a cup of black coffee would be
more in Balfour's way. But a good deal must be conceded to
Sheehy. What a nation we are for genders! We had an O'Shba,
we have an O'HiA; and here's a Shee-he. I have occasional
differences with some of my countrymen; but I am proud of my
country."

Business done.—Debate on Address.

FIFTY YEARS OF RAILWAY PROCRESS-FIFTY YEARS HENCE.

A large and attentive audience assembled yesterday evening to
hear Mr. Faibweathee's discourse on the highly interesting and
instructive subject of the progress made in Lthe matter of Railway
Travelling in the course of the last fifty years.

The lecturer commenced by reminding his audience that, in the
days of their fathers and grandfathers, fifty years ago, towards the
close of the Nineteenth Century, the wretched Public had to content
themselves with a miserable conveyance called a Pullman Car, that
they in those days considered a triumph of elegant and convenient
locomotion, because they could get tucked away on a shelf at night
as a sort of apology for a bed, and be served with a mutton-chop by
day, as a makeshift for lunch, and this they considered wonderful,
because they were being dragged over their road at the marvellous,
soul-thrilling pace of sixty miles an hour. {Loud laughter.) What
would the poor benighted travellers of those days say to their present
Grand Circular Express, that ran from London to York in two-and-
twenty minutes, and ran up to the most northern point in Scotland,
then down the Western Coast to Land's End, and back again to
London all along the Channel Shore, doing the entire circuit in four
hours and a quarter, and this while you reclined on the rich red
velvet cushions of the lofty and sumptuously decorated third-class
carriage^at a one-and-ninepenny fare ? No wonder that people took
monthly tickets, and went round, and round, and round the
two kingdoms; living, in fact, in the train, and being thus
perpetually on the move. Look^ at the advantages offered by the
Company, on their new extra-triple width line. A Brass Band, a
Theatrical Company, a Doctor, Dancing-Master, Teacher of Elocution,
Solicitor, Dentist, and Police Magistrate, accompanied every train,
which was, moreover, provided with Turkish Shower and Swimming
Baths, Billiard-rooms, Circulating Library, and offered attractive
advantages to families wishing, either at their doctor's orders or
for the mere sake of the run on its own account, continual change
of air, complete sets of handsomely furnished apartments not fitted
up with sleeping shelves—{laughter)—but supplied with regular six
foot four-posters, such as would have delighted the eyes of their
great grandfathers a hundred years ago. The law, too, recently
passed, which consigned a Director to penal servitude, in the event
of a train being ten minutes after its time, which had been passed
owing to the persistent unpunctuality of the South-Eastern Com-
pany, had worked admirably, and to it, no doubt, they owed the
present orderly management of all the lines in the three kingdoms.
What would be the next development of Railway travelling he
could not venture to predict, but he thought that if, in the next
fifty years, they made as much progress as they had in the fifty
years just expired, he was of opinion, that though the shareholders
might possibly receive a smaller dividend even than that they were
drawing to-day—{loud laughter)—the Railway, as an institution in the
country, could not be regarded but as being in a highly flourishing
condition.

A vote of thanks having been passed to the Lecturer for his
lively and instructive discourse,'.whioh he briefly acknowledged, the
proceedings terminated.__

Another '' Competitive.''
Why have we no Exams, for our M.P.'s. ?

Why not give marks for intellectual variance.?
And range each class according to degrees—

Here the Tomf oolites—there the Noodeletarians ?

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