Punch (100.1891)

156 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI. [March 28, 1891.

no coal in the truck when it did (or did not) arrive at St. Pancras:
these were questions the House vainly pursued, withered, as it was,
under the wrath of Wiggins. The only point clearly perceived was,
that Wiggins is a Director of Midland Railway.

In ordinary circumstances there are
not to be found in House two more
affable men than Barnes and Wiggins.
Amongst many other virtues, Wiggins
is, Sabe tells me, one of the best judges
of cigars in House, and is never without
a sample in his case. It is sad to think
that a man so gifted by nature, so
favoured by fortune, should let his angry
passions rise round a coal-truck. House,
contemplating the episode, glad to shut
it out by rushing off to Division Lobby.

Business done.—Manchester, Sheffield,
and Linco]nshire Railway Bill, Read a
Second Time, by 212 Votes to 103.

Thursday.—House engaged in con-
sidering Lords' Amendments to Tithes
Bill. Things as dull as usual; House
nearly empty; walk about corridors
through tea-room, newspaper-room, and
library ; almost deserted ; in smoking-
room came upon little group playing
cards; three of them ; Solicitob-Gene-
bal, Chables Russell, and Asquith,
Locewood looking on.
« About that Coal Truck ? " " I suppose," I said, '' they're playing

whist; why don tyou make up the hand r
" Whisht! it's not whist! " Locewood whispered, keeping his eye
closely fixed on game. " It'sBaccarat. (Ah! Claeee ! I saw you.
Come, pay up. You did that very clumsily.) It's the Tranby Court
case you know. I'm not in it, but my .learned brethren here hold
briefs on either side, and they say they are bound, in the interests of
their clients, to master the intricacies of the game. I must say they
have managed very successfully to subordinate their horror of
gambling. Russell, you know, has a positive distaste for any game
of chance. But as he says, a Barrister must sometimes put his preju-
dices in his pocket. Asquith brings to the game a serious aspect that
positively sanctifies it. As for Edwabd Clabee, he's wonderfully
nimble. He was trying la poucette just now when I called out to him.
As everything turns upon this, my learned friends say they must
make themselves acquainted with it. But I hope it won't lead to any
breaking up of families. I'm told the Judges
who are likely to be trying cases in London
before Whitsuntide, impelled by a similar sense
of duty, are also studying Baccarat. The L.C.J,
is reported to have developed a wonderful talent.
As a family man, and Recorder of Sheffield,
I'm glad I'm not briefed in the case."
Business done.—Tithes Bill.

Friday.—Young Habby Lawson, with his
beaver up, moved Resolution approving the
opening for certain hours, and under special
regulations, of the National Museums and Gal-
leries, closed in London to the public on Sun-
days, made capital and convincing speech;
supported by men like John Lueboce, and,
from Conservative side, Mayne and Elcho.
Earlier in sitting, the voice of Whitechapel,
Hoxton, Shoreditch, and Bethnal Green, had
been heard by petition, praying for the boon.
But dear old Robebt Fowleb knows better
what is good for the people. Opposed Motion.
Old Mobaijty, who never goes into his picture
gallery at Greenlands after midnight on Satur-
day, whipped up Government forces; Motion
lost by 166 against 39.

Mr. B ung, who had been watching Debate
from Distinguished Strangers' Gallery, hugely nYra,.„
delighted. "S'elp me," he said, "that'll stop
their little game for this Parliament, at least. What do they mean
hinterfering with honest tradesmen ? If you go opening your
bloomin' mooseums and picter galleries on Sunday arternoons, what's
to become of Me?"

Business done—Mr. Bung's ; and very effectively, too.

THE OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE BOAT-RACE.

(March 21. Oxford won by half a length.)

Geeat Zeus! was ever such a race since 1829,
When Wobdswobth, Selwtn, Meeivale began the mighty line,
First of the stalwart heroes who matched their straining thews,
And on great Thames's tide have fought the battle of the Blues ?
Who writes of pampered softness ? Confusion on his pen :
Still is there pluck in England, and still her sons are Men.
And still the lads go gaily forth in snow, or wind, or rain,
With hearts elate to row the race, and spurt, and spurt again.
A health to you, brave Ampthill ; the cheering echoes far;
For Fletchee and the Nicealls' la,&s—nobilefratrumpar.\
A shout goes up for Wileinson, the stalwart and the strong,
For Reggie Rowe, and dauntless Kent, who kept the stroke so long.
For Poole, the tidy bowman, and Heywood-Lonsdale too;
Thrice thirty cheers for all of them, that gallant Oxford Crew.
Nor,—though the years speed onward, and others wield the oar,
Though others race and win or lose where we have raced before ;
Though others, while we watch the sport, should play as we have
And scorn us prosy greybeards—shall Elin's glory fade ? [played,
Noble, and Lobd, and Fbancklyn, they each shall have their cheer,
And Bbaddon, small, but quick of eye, who craftily did steer,
And Rowlatt, and Fogg-Elliott, and Landale, of the Hall,
And Fison, sturdy Corpus man—we cheer and praise them all.
Punch loves all sturdy men and true, by whom great deeds are done,
And toasts and cheers with all his might the Crews of '91,

"Flat, Stale, and Unprofitable."
Ha mpden, farewell! Ere this you may have found
The World you swore was flat is really round.
But many a man. with brains beneath his hat.
Swears that the World is round, and finds it flat.

LEGAL MAXIMS.

(Suggestions for alteration and adaptation to Modern Manners and
Customs, after the Jackson decision by the Court of Appeal.)

Common Laiv.—" The tradition of ages shall prevail," save when
it runs counter to the opinions of a leader-writer of a daily paper.

Equity.—(1). " No right shall be without a remedy," save when it
is sentimentally suggested that somebody's right
may be somebody else's wrong.

(2.) " Equity follows the law," at such a dis-
tance that it never comes up with it.

(3,) " Equity is equality," save when a man's
wife is literally his better half.

(4.) " Where there is equal equity the law
must prevail," in any view it pleases to take at
the instance of the Lord Chancellor for the time
being.

(5) "Where the equities are equal the law
prevails," in any course it likes to pursue.

(6.) " Equity looks upon that as done which is
agreed to be done," especially when, after obtain-
ing legal relief, the suitor ultimately finds him-
self sold.

Contracts—(1.) "All contracts are construed
according to the intentions of the parties," save
where one of them subsequently changes his mind.

(2.) " The construction should be liberal " enough to suit the fancy
of the Judge who enforces it.

(3.) " It should be favourable " to a long and angry correspondence
in all the principal newspapers.

(4 ) " The contract should in general be construed according to the
law of the country where made," but certainly not in particular.

(5.) " That testimony cannot be given to vary, but may to explain
a written contract," save when someone suggests that this practice
shall be reversed.

(6.) " He who employs an agent does it himself," unless it is con-
sidered advisable to take an opposite view of the matter.

Parent and Child.—" A father shall have the custody of his chil-
dren," except when they get beyond his control and defy his
authority.

Landlord and Tenant.—"A landlord has a right to receive his
rent," if the tenant does not spend the money on something else.

Husband and Wife.—"A man has a right to the society of his
wife," when she does not prefer to give her company elsewhere.

Birthright of an Englishman. (Popular traditionally, but strictly
speaking supplementary.)—■" An Englishman's house is his castle,"
but only the pied d terre of the lawfully wedded sharer of his
income. Old Fathee Antic.

QUEER QUERIES.—Climate of the British Isles.—As the
Gulf Stream produces such an effect on the Eaglish climate, would
it not be feasible to add to the heat of the water in some way—say,
by erecting powerful furnaces somewhere on the south coast of
Florida, or by turning the lava from a volcano in the neighbourhood
of the Gulf into the sea ? I am not a man of science, but I should
be glad to hear your opinion of the scheme.—Sueeeeeb feom Cold.

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