Punch (100.1891)

April 4, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

167

OUE OPENING (SUN) DAY!

Emancipated Blue-Ribboned British Workman loquitur :—

Yesh, Fati-rt Lawshun mosh entirely righ'!
"Wilfrid sh mush blesh his nameshake! Had a frigh'
Only lash Shundaysh. Fanshied I saw Bnakesh.
Frigh'ful to watch 'em'wrigglung, when one wakesh
Over the quilterpane—I mean counterquilt.
Liquorsh are lovely, when you 're that waysh built;
But snakesh ish pizen 1 So ish liquorsh, too—
Leastwaysh, so Wlleridsh Lawshon and hish crew
Alwaysh declaresh! No matter I Nash'ral Museum,
Mush better than the Jim-Jamsh! Eugh! I shee 'em !
All eyesh and limbsh, all twists, Land twirls, and
twiddles;

Tails like long corkscrewsh, gogglesh in thei- middles ;

Big headsh, and bony body sh—frigh'fully frisky 1

Fancy sush things living in Irish Whishky,

Like animalcu—what's it ? in—hie—water !

No matter ! I've sworn offsh! Polly, my daughter,

Made me Good Templarsh! No more horrorsh now I

To Heaven's broad blue vault I lift my brow,

A shober Br—Bri'sh "Workman ! So old Dumper,

The lecturer, putsh it. He 'sh a rare tub-thumper !

Itsh Easter Shunday, and I am not tigh'!

Bri'sh "Workman—Nash'ral Museum! Thatsh or'righ'.

Feelsh bit unsteady ! That dashed ginger-beer

Gassysh—go i' my head an' makesh me queer !

One nipsh !—no, no! won't do! "Wherream I ? Lor I

Strai' on, the plishman says, through tha' there door.

Doorsh blesshed wide, and these 'ere big shop-cases

"With bitsh o' stone and beedlesh I-Yah! Thosh faces !

Thosh eyesh, thosh limbsh, thosh bodysh, big and bony !
Thosh wrigglewigglements ! I '11 bet a pony
Thish ish no Nash'ral Museum—Nash—hie—ral Hishtory!
Look at 'em ! Look at 'em!! Oh, hersh a mystery !
Pollysh,—where are yer ? Where 'ehthat blesshed bottle ?
I 'vesh jrot a peck 0' March dust down my throttle.
Give u?h that gin—ger beersh, 0' course, I mean.
Look, Polly !—shee that creature long and lean,
Crawling towardsh us ! Jim-Jamsh are not in it
"With thish 'ere Bri's'h Museum! Wai' a minute!
Where am I ? Whersh tha' girl ? Can't read this lingo !
" Mega-" It moves! Got 'em again, by Jingo ! ! .'

AN EASTER OBJECT LESSON.

{At the Natural History Museum,)
Visitor. "Hullo 1 I say, I've got 'em agin ! Gi' me the Blue Ribbon!"

LEAVES EROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.

March 10.—It has come at last, and I'm free to confess I don't
care for it half as much as I thought I should. I got the letter five
days ago. Here it is :—

45, Main Street, Billsbury, March 4, 18—.

Sir,—I have been in communication with headquarters, and I am
informed that you are looking out for a Constituency at the next
General Election. "We have been for some time past endeavouring to
find a Candidate for this Borough, and should be glad to hear if we
may submit your name to the consideration of our local Council. The
political history of Billsbury must be known to you. Up to the date
of the last election we have always been represented by a Conservative.
In fact, Billsbury was always looked upon as an impregnable fortress
of sound Constitutional opinion.

Our late Member, however, was unable to devote to the Consti-
tuency the time and attention it required. Moreover, I may men-
tion in strict confidence, that his conduct over the Billsbury Main
Drainage Scheme alienated a considerable number of his supporters,
and the consequence was that at the last election Sir Thomas
Chubson, the Liberal Candidate and present Member for Bills-
bury, was elected by a majority of 279. Since then, however, the
Party has rallied, the divisions m our ranks have been healed, the
registrations have been very much in our favour, and there is no
reason to doubt that, as soon as Billsbury has the chance, she will
return to her ancient allegiance. I shall be in London the day after
to-morrow (Thursday. March 6), and shall do myself the honour of
calling upon you. Kindly let me know where and when I can see
you. I shall be glad to afford you any further information.

Yours faithfully, James Tolland,
To Richard B. Pattle, Esq., President Billsbury Conservative
Dr. Johnson Buildings, Temple, JE.C. Association.

I dashed off at once to the Central Association. They urged me to
accept, and told me that even if I failed., which they said was
extremely unlikely, my fight would give me "an irresistible claim
on the Party." Afterwards saw Yulliamy, the Member for one of
the Pinkshire Divisions. He said "Take it? Of course you must.
Ridiculous to hesitate. A youngster like you, who only left College
four years ago, ought to be proud of the chance. If you're beaten

you'll have a claim on the Party, and mind you don't let 'em forget
it. Curse them, they never think of a man's valuable services if he
doesn't keep on reminding them himself; " and then he drivelled on
for a quarter of an hour about all he'd done for the Party, and how
"the Bhabby beggars" had refused his nephew the Morterton
Recordership. It seems the other side manage their business much
better. Next I called on Uncle Henry in the City. He said he'd
stick to his promise of paying half my expenses, but wouldn't help
me to nurse the place. However, I daresay that won't cost much.
Eventually wrote to Old Tolland, and asked him to call at my
Chambers on Thursday at 3 0 'clock. Then went home and told my
mother. She said, "My darling boy, 1 knew you would be distin-
guished. I knew it all along. If your dear father had only lived, he
would have been a proud man to-day. Now, mind you have that
horrid grating removed from the Ladies' Gallery." And with that she
kissed me and rang for cook to tell her the news. I sloped.

On Thursday Old Tolland called. It seems he's an Alderman,
and I only addressed him as plain Esquire. He wanted, to know,
What were my views on the Labour Question ? Was I an Eight
Hours' man? How about Yaccination and Woman's Suffrage?
and all kinds of other rubbish. I had to beat about a good deal,
and answer generally, but at last I consented to address the
Council, and to-morrow was fixed as the day. If accepted, I shall
have to come before a Mass Meeting, and go through it all again. It
all seems rather roundabout, but I suppose it's the usual way.

{To be continued.)

The Rights of Counsel.

{By a Client.)

Oh, what are the "rights" of the Q..C. ?

The point of the question but few see.
Those rights are to do
What suits him, if not you !

Faith ! that's the whole business in nuce !

Jokin's Latest.—" The Surplus will bs anything but a dry sub-
ject this year, as it is owing to a steady or (probably) unsteady
consumption of Drink !"

—!-I ......