Punch (100.1891)

168 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEL [April 4, 1891.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTEACTED FROM THE DIAEY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, March. 23.—Easter Holidays begin
to-morrow; to-night last rally round Raises ; Postmaster harried
from both sides of House ; the Contumacious Cobb begins it; com-
ments on Coroner's conduct beginning to pall on accustomed appetite;
references to delicate investigation in judicial circles falling flat; so
turns upon Postmasteb-Geneeal. Wants to know about the Boy
Messengers ? Pack in full cry; Raises pelted with newspapers,
assailed with over-weighted letters; late at night Cameeon comes
up quite fresh, desiring to " call attention to the position taken up

by the Postmasteb-Genebal with
regard to the Electric Call and Boy
Messenger System," just as if he
had at the moment made the dis-
covery.

In course of lecture Camebon
produces sort of pocket-pistol ;
explains it's the thing you1 work
the electric call with. You press a
button here, and up comes a
tumbler of milk and soda ; another
button, and you have a sausage
and a hot potato; a third, and
your boots are suddenly pulled off
by an unseen agency; a fourth,
and you find yourself seated in a
hansom cab, with eighteenpence
pressed into your hand to pay your
fare withal; a fifth, and you're
awakened at four o'clock in the
morning with an_apology. Some-
thing, you learn, went wrong with
the machine, and it was the gentle-
man on the next floor who ought to
have been called at this hour.

Gane, Q.C., with hands folded
on knees, sat entranced, listening
to this interesting narrative, and
watching the illustrations rapidly
produced by Camebon, as he
, , . , „ touched the various buttons.

Wonderful! " Wonderful! " cried Cane, Q.C.

" Never knew anything like it since I read Arabian Nights."
" What 's Raikes' loss is our Cane," says Wilfbid Lawson.
Must think this over during the Recess.

For awhile Raikes had peace ; quite forgotten whilst House, fall-
ing into Gane's attitude, listened to Cameron's fairy tale.

"It's only postponed, Toby," he said, wearily, Camebon (having
accidentally touched the wrong button) being promptly carried off to
bed in the middle of Ja sentence; "they'll be at me again to-
morrow, and will begin once more, like giants refreshed, when

The Pillary Post.

they come back.from the holidays. It's an old story ; the House of
Commons must always have its whipping-boy. Don't know whether
you've sat long enough for Barks to remember Atbton ? A dead
set was made against him, and he was not onlv driven out of office,
but forth from public life. It's generally the Home Secbetaby who
is fastened on. • There was Walpole, chronically reduced to tears.
Bbtjce was chivied by the cabmen, and had his hat blocked by the
publicans. The blameless Habcouet didn't go scot free whilst he

was at the Home Office. Matthews has had a long run, with the
hounds after him. Now they've turned aside from him, and are
yelping after me. It's very well for Matthews, but a little worry-
ing for me. Of course I don't claim to be perfect. As Habcouet
once admitted of himself, I'm almost human. I try to do my
duty, and protect the interests of Department committed to my
charge. They come in touch with all classes, and naturally there is
friction. Just now the howling is persistent, and, I fancy, organised.
Perhaps it'11 fall away by-and-by. In the meanwhile, it's rather
wearing1, so pitilessly monotonous. As you said the other day, a
new constitutional maxim has been established. Once Old
Moeaeity used to write in hi3 copybook, ' The Queen can Do no
Wrong.' Now he may add this other, ' The Postm aster-Genebal
Does Nothing Right.' " Business done.—Miscellaneous.

Tuesday Afternoon.—Winding up business before holiday ; rather
a scramble at the end. Old Moeaeity, as usual, piled up heap of

work to be got through. "Quite easy, you
know," he said. "Tithes Bill, Electoral
Disabilities Removal Bill, Savings Bank Bill,
take them in your stride. What does the
poet say ? Line upon Line ;
Little by Little ; Here to-day
and gone To-morrow. Those
are the sound economical prin-
ciples that should guide a man
through life."
At one time seemed that whilst we
were certainly here to-day, we wouldn't
be gone till to-morrow. Tithe Bill in
last stage took a lot of fighting" over.
House wouldn't have Electoral Disabi-
lities Removal Bill or the Savings Bank
Bill at any price.

"Then I'll move the adjournment,"
said Old Morality, in despair.

"Not till you've heard my
speech," said Dr. Clare ;
pulled out manuscript from
breast coat-pocket, began des-
-^y ^ canting on the under-pay of
Civil Servants in Scotland,
^ whilst Tyssen Amherst folded

his tent like the Arab, and as
«S:ole Away ! " silently stole away Example

J followed generally by Members

in all parts of the House. Clark thoroughly enjoying himself, com-
posedly went on to end of speech, and then adjournment. Speaker
"kept in" till Thursday to take part in ceremony of Royal Commis-
sion. Rest off, and won't be back till Monday, 6th of April.
Business done.—Wound up for Easter Holidays.

CRITICISING THE CALENDAR.

Sir,—The suggestion of your Correspondent " Easter Egg," who
wishes Easter to be a fixed festival, always coming on April 20, is
excellent. At present, Easter-tide, like the other tide, depends on
the moon. What a humiliating confession! Why should we any
longer consent to be the slaves of the (so-called) Science of Astronomy ?

Yours, Reeobming Spibit.

Sib,—What's all this fuss about Easter being too early this year ?
It isn't half early enough. It ought to have come last Christmas,
and Whitsuntide the same, and then we should have polished off
three public holiday seasons—public nuisances, /call them,—at once.

I'ours, gloomily, True Philanthropist.

Sib,—I have just been horrified to hear that one of my boys now
at home from school remains with us for a three weeks' vacation!
The early date of Easter is the paltry excuse offered by his Head-
master for this infliction. Anybody can see through such a flimsy
pretext. His brother is to have his holiday four weeks later. The
result is that the boys will see nothing of each other during their
holidays, while their parents will see a great deal too much. How
can brotherly affection—I say nothing of fatherly affection,—that
priceless blessing, which I flatter myself I always conspicuously
display—be expected to continue under these depressing conditions ?

Yours, exasperatedly, Fond Parent.

Sir,—As peeple are riting lettres to you about the Easter holy-
days, I should like you to put in what old Boreham—he's our
Principul—has been doing. We all think it a thundring shame. He
kept us grinding away right through Good Friday, Easter Monday,
and means us to go on several weeks afterwards! The result was
we had about half a Hot Cross-Bun each! Old Boreham akshally
fixed Easter Monday for going over all the Latin irreglur verbs. Pleese
would you say something in your valyble collums about old Boreham,
and oblige Yours, obedjiently, Smith {Tertius), Rodchester.

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