Punch: Punch (33.1857)

74

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[August 22, 1857.

ANIMAL LONGEVITY.

HE papers have been amusing themselves with giving the ages
of various animals. There are in the account, however, several
omissions, which we beg to supply. The age of the British Lion is
not given. This is an unpardonable oversight towards one, who has
made so much noise in the world, and, more especially, as he has lived
longer than all the other animals put together. The longest-lived
animal, according to Buffon, (we should like to know how he verified
the age ?) is the Elephant, who is said to live to the age of 500 years.
Now, the British Lion is considerably older than that, and is now as
young and as sprightly as ever. The way in which he is continually
wagging his tail is a proof of this. He will doubtlessly live as long as
Britannia herself.

The British Lion's precise age may be ascertained at the Herald's
College, where, on the payment of a small fee, you will doubtlessly be
able to procure a certificate of his birth and baptism. The reader is
recommended to make the trial.

There is the British Unicorn, too, who stands nearly in the same
position as the Lion, and, perhaps, in the main, is quite as old.

There are other omissions, which we deplore. There is the Bussian
Bear, scarred and disfigured as he has been lately, and the Erench
Eagle, and all sorts of Eagles, belonging to Prussia, Austria, and
America, either with single or double, or as many heads as a bundle of
asparagus. We ought to have been informed of their respective ages.

Talking of America, we rind no mention made of the American Sea
Serpent,who, first discovered in a printer's fount, has since established
a small Serpentine for himself in every well-conducted American news-
paper. What is the Serpent's age ? We will not make inquiries about
Old Mother Hubbard's Dog, nor Little Bo-Peep's Sheep, nor the cele-
brated Cow who is reported to have jumped over the Moon, nor about
any of the clever animals, who have lived for so many ages in JEsop's,
Gay's, and Lafontaine's fables. Eortunately, they are still alive, and
have in them a longer lease of life than any herald can give them.
They are " not for an age, but for all time," and will live co-eternal
with Punch's Bog Toby.

Advice to Angry Men.

Be doubly careful in this hot weather. Resolutions, taken up
warmly during the day, should be put out all night, and looked at, when
cool, the next morning. Above all, do nothing in the heat of the
moment, more especially when that heat happens to be not less than
85° in the shade. As has been pithily said, " The impetuous man, who
acts from the heat of the moment, is singularly apt to burn his
fingers."

The Only True Historical Portrait Gallery.—The cartoons
every week in Punch.

THE TINE YOUNG ENGLISH OFFICER,

AS HE IS TO BE.

I Sing of one whom now that we've begun to educate,
The House of Commons lately made the subject of debate:
Whose qualities each Member vied with each to numerate,
And what their fancy painted him I '11 now proceed to state ;
'Tis the fine young English Officer, as he is to be—in time.

His head so old on shoulders young with knowledge overflows,
Acquaintance with all sciences and arts its stores disclose,
All books and in all languages by heart almost he knows,
And he's able to write legibly, and what is more, compose .
Like a wise young English Officer, the reason of my rhyme.

Italian, Erench, and Spanish, and Dutch, high or low, he'll speak,
Count Troy-weight like a Trojan, tell the time of day in Greek;
And if to serve in India he be a chosen man, he
Will astonish all the natives in the choicest Hindostanee :
Like a polyglot young officer, fit for the future time.

Nor are his powers of body less than are those of his mind;
Quick eye, strong arm, and foot so fleet as ne'er to lag behind;
Good lungs, and constitution such as no fatigue can feel,
With iron nerves and sinews, and a heart as true as steel,

Has this brave young English Officer, to serve us in his prime.

A Centaur in his horsemanship, an Angelo to fence,
In every manly pastime he makes way, nor makes pretence ;
From battle-fight to fisticuffs good generalship he proves,
In glory's race a wimier and a " wunuer " with the gloves :
Like the plucky British Officer, of past and present time.

He can draw with equal credit an earthwork or a cheque,
Keeps a spotless reputation, and accounts without a speck,
Knows staff-duties and horseflesh, can out-bargain Greek or Jew,
Has ready wit at his command, and ready money too :

This accomplished English Officer, one of the coming time.

moral.

Now all you fine young Officers who'd mind your q's and p's,
The more you 're like this picture the more your Punch you '11 please i
Eight then your best with ignorance, count folly as your foe,
And while not less ornamental far more useful you will grow :
As befits the British Othcer, pride of the coming time.

AN ACQUISITION EOB A EAMILY.

A Want which will not perhaps be readily supplied is announced in
the advertisement following : —

WANTED, some distance in the country, a comfortable HOME for an
INTEMPERATE FEMALE. A farm-house preferred. Apply by letter,
stating terms, which must be moderate, to c. A. b., -, Royal Exchange.

The ambiguous nature of the description of the female for whom
accommodation is desired in the above notification will necessitate any
reply that it may possibly receive to be an inquiry as to its meaning.
Does the intemperance predicated of that lady mean violence of lan-
guage and demeanour merely, or addiction to brandy-and-water, or, the
union of both these unpleasant deformities of the feminine character ?
The expectation that an mtemperate female, whether irascible only, or
drunk only, or drunk and irascible too, would be received as an inmate
of any decent, domestic establishment on moderate terms, is rather
Utopian, and taken in connection with the preference expressed for a
farm-house, is evidence of quite a rural or Arcadian simplicity. The
reception of the intemperate party, on any terms, could hardly be
expected, except of the proprietor of a cold-water-cure concern, or the
keeper of a lunatic asylum, or a superintendent of those two institu-
tions combined.

A Question for Sculptors

The Statues of Sir Boeert Peel are numerous enough. _ In some,
he is attired in the Boman toga—in others he is dressed in his own
private clothes. Now, is it not strange, considering how closely his
name is identified with the institution of the Police, that no artist has
ever yet thought of representing Sir Bobert as a Peeler ?

the shooting season.

Shooting has begun at Homburg, Ems, Spa, Wiesbaden, Baden-
Baden, and other places of card-playing resort. Shooting began on the
very same day as the opening of the gambling-saloons. N.B. Pistols,
on sale or hire, to be had at the different Ball-rooms.