Punch: Punch (33.1857)

August 22,1857.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

79

OUR NATIONAL DEFENCES.

HE drafting off some thirty
thousand troops for India
lias, of course, revived the
cry about our national de-
fencelessness, and nervous
members have been nightly
getting on their legs to ask
■what measures have been
taken for the safety of the
country, and to impress upon
Lord Palhekston the policy
of its insurance from the
danger of invasion. Perhaps
it may in some degree relieve
the minds of these alarmists,
to know that Mr. Punch, far-
seeing as he is, does not
apprehend that peril to be
imminent: and that he, more-
over, has a plan at his pen's
point, by -which we still may
sleep in safety in the absence
of our troops.
Mr. Punch, would suggest

that when its men-of-war are gone, England should rely on the protection of its
women. Encased as they are now in whalebone and in steel, they are thoroughly
well armed to act on the defensive, and surrounded by their wide circumference
of petticoat, it is clear that they are quite secure from close attack. The sharpest
bayonet would fail to pierce through their stiff skirts, and except at a long range it
would be impossible to open fire upon their ranks, even granting that the enemy
were ungallant enough to do so. As for charging them with cavalry, the havoc
ladies make with the boldest of dragoons is too well known for any horsemen thus
to outdo Balaklava, and rush madly on their fate : indeed, were it attempted, the
longest-legged of chargers would fail, there is no doubt, to leap the hoops and other
outworks in which the ladies would be found impregnably entrenched.

Moreover, accoutred as they are at present, it is clear that our fair country
women are not only suited well to act on the defensive, but are eminently fit for the
offensive also : if gallantry permits us for a moment to assume that a lady can in
any sense be thought to act offensively. In the case of their attacking, who by any
possibility could stand against their weight, now that every lady (it is commonly
believed) carries half a ton at least of Crinoline about her: and from the way in
which they brush us off the pavement with their skirts, we feel assured that in a
charge they would sweep everything before them. By simply taking care to keep
a pin or two about them, they would be well armed for the occasion of close
fighting: though certainly the notion of their coming to close quarters scarcely
seems compatible with the extent of their circumference : and in case of need, each
lady would be free to use her tongue, than which she could not wield a more
formidable weapon. So long as any woman has a tongue in her head, she may
fairly be accounted armed to the teeth : and we believe that the first volley, were it
but of small talk, would cause the very boldest-hearted enemy to quail; and induce
every man of them to lay down his arms, and run submissive into those of his
vociferous assailants.

We have said enough to show that the ladies would be sure to prove as irre-
sistible in warfare, as we are gallant enough to think they are in peace: and we
are convinced that in the case of an invasion, they would rise as one woman to
protect their hearths and husbands. Our fancy fails to picture a more nobly-
touching spectacle than the wide expanse of Crinoline spread out to meet the foe,
and ourselves and fellow countrymen all hid from harm behind it. Nor in putting
ourselves thus under petticoat protection, should we be exposing our defenders to
much danger. A lady's Crinoline may now be regarded as her castle, and she is as
safe in it as though she were ensconced in Gibraltar.

Should our hints be acted on (and we have too much self-respect to imagine they
will not), we scarcely need suggest that the enrolment of our female troops had
better instantly commence, as the recurrence of wet weather might a little damp
their ardour. While the present sunshine lasts there would be no lack of volun-
teering for the field, and the country might rely on seeing its defenders flocking
out of town to it. Prom practising at pic-nics no doubt the troops would show a
fair acquaintance with field duties; and in order to familiarise their minds with
camping out, it might be found expedient to start a female Aldershot, at which our
better halves might now and then take up their quarters. They might there be
exercised in military movements, and learn some notion of obedience to the word
of command. If smartly carried out, the order " Brandish Bodkins !" would
produce a grand effect; and by a sudden movement to the word "Present
Parasols ! " the troops might safely frighten off a cavalry attack. We should think
too that in cases of extreme emergency, a rally to the war cry, "Draw Pincushions
—and Charge ! " would strike terror to the hearts of the bravest of assailants.

As it would be policy, in the event of actual fighting, for the ladies every one to
put on their most killing looks, due attention should be paid to their effectiveness
of dress, and each corps should be furnished with*a millinery staff. In order to
secure the display of the best taste, the clothing Colonelcies should be reserved for
competition, and be attainable not by purchase_ but by merit. Por the sake of
distinction as well as uniformity, the regiments might each one of them be dressed
in uniform, and take its name from its distinguishing costume and colours. The

absent Greys and Blues might be represented by the Lilacs
and the Pinks ; and discarding as too masculine the words
" dragoons" and "troopers," we might more fitly speak oi
our high-mettled ladyguards as being "Light Balloons"
or " Heavy Pron Hoopers."

Impressed as we are always with the sense of our own
wisdom, we are prepared to be called fools for the hints we
have thrown out. But the severest of our critics must at
any rate allow that the plan we have suggested for our
national defence would at least save the country from that
great loss of labour, which would result from prematurely
calling out the militia. These are mostly now engaged in
active operations, doing gallant duty in the harvest field ot
action, and daily cutting down and carrying everything
before them. From such service to the state we should be
sorry to disturb them ■ and gallantry forbids our doubting
that the ladies would be welcomed as fair and fitting sub-
stitutes. At any rate, whatever its defects may be, we feel
persuaded that the scheme we have proposed is in no way
more absurd than the fears which have suggested it.

ART-APPURTENANCES OF THE STREET.

On a direction board which shows the way to the scien-
tific and artistic collections at South Kensington, is depicted
a human hand, as index. The treatment of this subject
really evinces a very fair attempt at drawing and colouring,
manifest not only in the anatomy and flesh-tints of the
hand and fingers, but also in that little bit of costume, the
cuff, out of which issues the wrist. The hand is, in fact,
to use an outlandish slang-phrase, an Art-Hand, or an
Art-Index. The idea involved in this Art-Work might be
extended, with great advantage to the Art-Profession in
the encouragement of Art-Talent, as well as in the creation
of employment affording subsistence to struggling indus-
trious Art-Persons. Why should not every finger-post be,
either partially or entirely, an Art-Finger-Post ?

The partial Art-style of finger-post might be such as that
exhibited by the model at Kensington, or the hand might
be carved, or there might be a whole arm with hand and
fingers, instead of a mere hand, either carved or painted.
The Art-Finger-Post entire might be a statue pointing in
a given direction with an appropriate gesture. Room for
great variety of expression would be afforded. Thus, for
Newgate Street, for instance, the Art-Pinger-Post might
be a figure of Justice with a drawn sword extended in the
direction of the gaol; or it might be the more modern
figure of a policeman indicating that edifice with his
truncheon. The way to the Opera House, on the other
hand, might be shown either by a classic statue of Terpsi-
chore, or by the sculptured likeness of an actual ballet girl
—in the latter case the figure might be represented exe-
cuting a pirouette, with a leg outstretched instead of an
arm, the index constituted by the great toe, and the Art-
Work, instead of an Art-Pinger-Post, forming what might
be more correctly called an Art-Toe-Post. Bishops, Judges,
Generals, Aldermen, and other leading personages might
afford designs for Art-Finger-Posts pointing to localities
connected with their several professions. To Art-Finger-
Posts might be added Art-Lamp-Posts, constructed on the
same principle, and likewise Art-Posts at the sides of the
street, with spikes on their heads, to prevent the boys from
spoiling their Art-Beauty in jumping over them.

The Fault of the Weather.

Sir Richard Bethell was reported by the papers to
have remarked upon Mr. Gladstone's perspiring during
his Anti- Divorce Speech. The learned Attorney-General
would seem to have been in communication with the press,
as on the fourth day afterwards we find an erratum.
" For 'perspiration exuding' read 'eloquence bursting.'"
The words sound so exactly alike that the reporters
might easily mistake. Either way, we take it, Sir Richard
intended to give Mr. Gladstone a wipe.

the last two swells in town.

First Swell. You won't believe it -but the Park was quite fall

yesterday ?

Secowl Sicell (tries to say something, but such is his amateinent, and
languid state, that he cannot utter a word).

First Swell. a fact, nevertheless ! i counted not less than nine
people in it —ou my honour, 1 did !