Punch: Punch (33.1857)

September 5, 1857 ]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

97

MR. PUNCH UPON PURCHASE.

H.E.H., F.M. Punch, never
shrinking from any duty,
however disagreeable, has
read through the _ Blue
Book of the Commissioners
charged to report on Pur-
chase in the Army. He
has done more,— he has
digested it.

F.M.Punchneed scarcely
say that purchase - except
of his own periodical—is
abhorrent to his nature—
that he detests a priori, a
posteriori, a fortiori, and
ex abunrlanti, a system by
which a fool, with the re-
quisite sum lodged at his
agents, vaults over the head
of an embryo Wellington,
who does not happen to
have the price of a step in
his pocket. F.M'. Punch is
glad to learn from the re-
port, that the practice of
purchase began in the reign
of Chables the Second.
The system savours of its
origin. When the King himself was bought and sold, no wonder commissions
in the army were made matters of traffic.

But there the system is. Nobody approves of it in principle; but it will cost
£7,000,000 to get rid of it. And nineteen holders of commissions out of twenty
—purchasers and non-purchasers alike—are dead against any change. If we get
rid of purchase, it must be either for seniority or selection. But seniority will
give us captains as grey and gouty as our generals used to be, till the warrant of
1854; set seniority aside in that rank. And selection means, as things go, not the
"right man in the right place," but that general predominance of Dowbs, of which
a strong illustration is afforded by a Jamie Simpson_ in the chief command,
with a Colin Campbell at the head of a division under him.

If you promote by seniority, officers will club among themselves to buy out an
old boy, who dams the current of promotion—as they do in India. If you promote
by selection, either Dowb will be taken care of, and everybody else neglected; or
the Minister, in his anxiety to show that he is not taking care of Dowb, will fall
back in practice on seniority, and appoint the oldest, because nobody will give him
credit for appointing the worthiest.

The system of Army Promotion is in fact—as F.M. Punch''s common sense tells
him—a choice of difficulties. Now, when John Bell has a choice of difficulties
before him, his way is rather to make the best of any accomplished fact he can lay
hold of, than to rush into the manufacture of new facts. He wisely prefers
cobbling his old shoes, to flinging them away, on the strength of the first adver-
tiser, who promises him first, rate stuff and a splendid fit for next to nothing.
After all, John Bull's concern is less aoout the price paid, than the article pur-
chased. What the Army is depends upon what officers are, not upon how they get
their commissions.
What is a Commission ?

A licence to live in barracks, with the liberty of a latch-key, the luxury of a
mess, the free and easiness of a barrack-room, constant idle companions in quarters,
the run of the best society in the neighbourhood out of quarters, the prestige of
a uniform, and the facility of unlimited tick. All this, remember, at an age when
most lads are still at school, under the check of bolts, bars, and bounds, with a
diet of legs of mutton and stick-jaw, the work of the school-room, the tyranny of
the sixth form, the surveillance of the dormitory, and a weekly allowance of
pocket-money. Per contra, it means drill to learn, parades to attend, guards to
mount, court martials to sit upon, and inspections to go through. But the drill-
sergeant is so good-tempered! The adjutant and commanding officer are such
bricks—such uncommonly pleasant fellows—and as for inspections, the general of
the district is a trump and a jolly old cock—and prefers making things pleasant,
and spending a cosy evening at the mess to wigging and reporting fellows, ana
making a row. Then there's the variety and excitement of travel and change of
quarters. In short, a Commission now-a-days—we speak of a time of peace—is the
passport to one of the pleasantest and idlest lives a young fellow can cut out for
himself—if he has three hundred a-year above his pay. No wonder the article
fetches more than regulation price. It is a bad investment if you look at the pay—
but think of the pleasure, and where can you get as much for the money. It is
unique, in this decorous and common-place country.

But what might a Commission be ? What has John Bull a right to insist on its
being ? The admission—after proof of good sound health, average strength and brains
—to a hard-working profession, in which, every man,—besides being able to ride
shoot, and speak the truth—should be made to learn the working and details of one
of the most minute and complicated of machines—a regimental company: should,
be compelled to master his duties on parade, and in the barrack-room—in a word,
all of the art of war that can be taught in peace : in which every depot should be a
school: every commanding officer an instructor and controller, as well as a friend

and companion: every Inspecting General, a rigid examiner
and faithful reporter, as well as a good fellow at the mess-
table. In short, we might make our youngsters, when
they buy a commission, buy discipline, instead of licence:
hard-work, instead of idleness : pride in the studies of their
profession, instead of contempt for them. All this is com-
patible with purchase. But it is incompatible with taking
care of Dowb ; with favouritism at the Horse Guards;
with the privileges of Household Troops, who are exempted
from most of the hardships of service, and absorb an undue
proportion of its rewards; with the paying more attention
to the lacing of a jacket, or the hang of a feather, than to
the lodging of your soldiers, or the quality of their
weapons; with lax Colonels, and easy-going Inspecting
Generals.

These things are facts just as much as purchase : if we
can't get rid of purchase, let us see how much of the mis-
chief of purchase remains when these things are got rid of.
Suppose Dowb—qud~Dows—no longer cared for; suppose
high commands well bestowed; suppose the privileges of
the Guards done away with; suppose the wings of that
predominant bird (the military tailor's goose) clipped;
suppose Colonels taught that they must not fear unpopu-
larity, in the cause of duty, and Inspecting Generals made
to feel that speaking the truth is better for them than
making things pleasant.

Perhaps you will say, suppose the moon made of green
cheese.

But John Bell may insist on these suppositions being
converted into realities. If he can accomplish that, he
may leave purchase to take care of itself.

Can it be denied that these things might continue, if
purchase were abolished to-morrow ? Can it be denied,
that so long as these continue, the article—the Commission
—continues the same ? You have only altered the way to
get it. What you want to alter is the thing. If you can't
find buyers for it when transformed as F.M. Punch would
have it, purchase has come to an end of itself. If you can
find buyers, why, it is worth the money !

Israelite Movement.

HOW TO CALCULATE THE HEIGHT OF THE
SEASON AT THE SEASIDE.

When you have to wait an hour for a bathing-machine;
when the last new Novel is bespoken ten deep; when
donkeys are scarce, and City clerks plentiful; when you
have to walk your soles off to get a London Morning
Paper : when you meet with an organ-grinder, or a German
band, in almost every street; when the Dispensary Ball
is given; when chairs are fought for on the sands ;
when you see more buff slippers in the corridors outside
the bed-room doors of hotels than Wellington boots ;
when one is obliged to send up to town for a piece of
salmon; when ice commands a fabulous price; when Hebb
Jonesi, " from the Nobilities' Concerts," gives a Grand
Musical Festival at the Town Hall; when landladies sleep
in the kitchen; when "One Bed to Let" in a dirty bye-
lane is run after with avidity; when the Sally-lun man
makes his tintinnabular perambulations regularly every
evening, and wakes up dozing papas with the jingle of his
muffin-bell and doggerel rhymes ; when the " Third Robber"
from Sadler's Wells shines at the little barn of a theatre
with all the effulgence of a Star from Drury Lane; when
Guss Floundebs, the comic singer from Evans's (more
euphoniously christened "the Son of Momus"), and Mbs.
Sally Floundebs ("the Daughter of Momus") "Keep
a little Farm" every night at Sackbb and Fullett's
Library, on the Grand Parade; and, lastly, when prices
get so high that they cannot possibly get any higher, then
you may be sure that it is the Height of the Season
at the Seaside !

In the City Article of a daily contemporary, the absence
of business in ^he fund-market is accounted for " by the
very general exodus of the moneyed public from town."
When we remember by what nation the original exodus
was performed, and consider of what nation also the
moneyed public is largely constituted, we discern a peculiar
significance in the description of their departure from
Town as an exodus.