Punch: Punch (33.1857)

132 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 26, 1357.

THE TWO GIANTS OF THE TIME

DIVIDE, AND CONQUEK.

Some foolish persons, evidently red-tapists in heart, though imagining
themselves reformers, have devised an absurd " test," as they call it,
of the efficiency of members of Parliament. They count the number of
Divisions in which a member has been counted, and give the highest
credit to the man who has gone oftenest into the lobby.

This is just the sort of test one would expect to see prescribed by
prigs and shallow fellows. Nothing is so easy, and then there are
little sums to be done, and figures are always right—we beg pardon,
statistics such folks call them—and everybody can comprehend that
the man who voted twenty times must have been in the House more
. frequently and longer than the man who voted five times. But, unhap-
pily, figures will not show which of the two men did the best service.

Of course, any member who will sit in the House, or in the smoking
room, during the whole of every sitting, can take high honours under
, this test. He can go to sleep in the library if he likes—the division
1 bell will wake him, or a servant of the House will arouse him, if
enjoined to do so. And he can run in, rubbing his eyes, and march
out and be counted, and the " statistics " of the prigs will record his
indefatigable attention. Or, if he is a more fidgety blockhead, he can
pay a fidgety attention to every topic, whether he have the faintest
idea of the real question or not, and can vote against an Aqueduct
being allowed between two towns, of whose names, to say nothing of
their wants, he never heard before, or divide in favour of a Viaduct on
a railway that runs through a district as unknown to him as Meso-
potamia. Equally, the " statistic "-mongers will give him praise and
honour, while, in reality, he ought to be kicked for impertinence.

These people have published some returns of the attendance of
members during the last session. And, as an example of the value of
such applause, and as an illustration of the attendance of small men
and of statesmen, let it be noted that " Cox the Attorney" is at the
head of the list, having voted in one hundred and sixty divisions, while
Loud John Russell has voted in about fifty. Now it may reasonably
be said, that for one public question on which Cox the Attorney knows
anything, Lord John is intimate with the bearings of a hundred.

A similar result is found in the case of the best men in the House.
The Gladstones, Pakingtons, Walpoles, Ellices, and others whose
time and whose votes are valuable, squander neither in clerk-like
attendance, waiting for divisions, whereas the Ayrtons, Hadflelds,
Williamses (Ld), and such like infra-mediocrities are always watching
the Speaker's sand-glass, eager to write their reputation in that
Parliamentary sand.

The statistic-mongers remark complacently that in " Attendances "
Mr. Cox, of Einsbury, stands first. This, even apart from the gentle-
man's political status and intellect, does not exactly astonish Mr. Punch.
Why, Cox is as aforesaid, an Attorney, and to make "Attendances "
is the one duty of attorney-life. The alligator's—bah—the attorney's
book, in which he records the deeds of his davs, for the shearing of
Electricity said, " From far lands sped, c'ien|7> |s.calle^ " Attendance-book." What wonder that Cox
Through a wire, with a thought's velocity, ?ho.uld re/:am £ lament his.professional taste for attendances ! If

Vhat tidings I bear !-of deeds that were hf 13 wr1ltm- 9°* s Memoirs of Parliament, we will be bound he makes

Never passed yet for atrocity." the work u?' daU^ atter tbls fashlon> and that of hls craft

Both land and sea," said Steam, " by me, Tbe Electo*s °? Einsbury, To William Cox, Drs.

AUhe rate of a bird men flyover ^ ^ ^ Monday. Attending at St. Stephens, when found the House de- *. d.

bating on the Clyde Improvement bill, and asking several
persons who or what the Clyde was, and was told to hold
my noise, and voting against same bill . . . .00
Tuesday. Attending again, when found the House in Committee
on the Sierra Leone Embankment bill, and attending in
library to consult Guthrie's Geographical Grammar, and
finding Sierra Leone was in Africa, attending voting against
what I thought might be a black job . . . .00

Wednesday. Attending morning sitting, when the House took
the second reading of the Livery and Corporation of Roch-
ford bill, and voting against it, because a livery is an aris-
tocratic type of domination over one's fellow-creatures . 0 0
Thursday. Attending in Ways and Means, on the Chancellor
of the Exchequer's Bill for contracting a loan of Eive
Millions, and proposed amendment that the principle
should be carried out by the loan being contracted to four

millions, and dividing thereon......0 0

Friday. Attending and voting against sitting in middle of next

day because I am opposed to all centralization . . .00
Saturday. Attending the debate on the Police-Uniform Bill, and
voting against the constable being distinguished by a letter,
as, in order to identify him, a complaining person is com-
pelled to know his alphabet, and I am conscientiously
opposed to compulsory education . . . . .00

And this is the kind of thing which the electors of the kingdom are
not told of by the pedantic promulgators of the Division Test.

"The prigs and Punch do upon this divide,
They choose the voting, he the thinking side."

What can we two great Eorces do ?"
Said Steam to Electricity,
To better the case of the human race,
And promote mankind's felicity ? "

But the quicker they speed to kill and bleed,
A thought to lament and sigh over."

" The world, you see." Electricity

Remarked, " thus far is our debtor,
That it faster goes ; but, goodness knows,

It doesn't get on much better."

" Well, well," said Steam, with whistle and scream,

" Herein we help morality;
That means we make to overtake

B.ebellion and rascality."

" Sure enough, that's true, and so we do,"

Electricity responded.
" Through us have been caught, and to justice brought,

Many scoundrels who had absconded."

Said Steam, "I hope we shall get the rope

Bound the necks of the Sepoy savages,
In double quick time, to avenge their crime,

And arrest their murders and ravages."

" We've been overpraised," said both; "we raised

Too sanguine expectations -.
But with all our might, we haven't yet quite

Regenerated the nations.

" We 're afraid we shan't—we suspect we can't

Cause people to change their courses;
Locomotive powers alone are ours :

But the world wants motive forces."