Punch: Punch (33.1857)

Decbmbbk i2, 1857.1 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

245

! one can now-a-nights see acted. As it is, we must congratulate the
PROCTORS' PANTOMIME. ! body of proctors upon the histrionic talent which their Member has

displayed, and we think with very little practice his "position" as a
pantomimist might be lastingly secured. By devoting a half-hour or
so daily to the study, the learned gentleman would soon acquire a
knowledge of traditional stage-business, and climb to an acquaintance
with the higher branches of the art. From the laughter-moving way
in which he badgered Mr. Orme, we have very little doubt that he
would speedily succeed in bullying Pantaloon in the most risible of
fashions; and seeing how he stirred up every one about him, it is clear
he has a special aptitude for handling the hot poker.

he Christmas-tide is coming;
and, as the Observer would
redundantly express _ it,
'"the note of preparation '
is now sounding in our the-
atres, and their echoes are
awakened by the 'busy
hum' of labour that pre-
ludes the production _ of
those pantomimic novelties,
with which the ' festive
season' is inaugurated an-
nually within the walls of
nearly every English Temple
of Thespis."

Now, we think a proctor
on the stage in the part of
Clown or Pantaloon would
be as great a novelty as any
audience on Boxing-night
might reasonably expect :
and that this appearance has
been actually contemplated,
a late passage in the Daily
News induces us to guess.
Under the fit heading of " A
Scene in Court," the Pre-
rogative reporter thus de-
scribes the rehearsal:—

" Mr. Charles Dynelkt, tbe Senior Deputy-Registrar, had been admonished to
be rn.ue guarded in his behaviour to Mr. Crosse in special, and to the profession
generally. Last Court day Mr. Dyneley delivered in a Memorial to the Judge, in
which he made a formidable series of counter-complaints against various members
of the proctorial body. No copy had, however, been delivered to Mr. Crosse, who
was now assigned to answer the charge.

'• Sir J. Dodson, who presided, said that whatever complaint Mr. Dyneley had
to make must be made regularly, and he (Sir J.) would do the best he coula to do
justice between the parties. Mr. Dyneley's conduct was really most unseemly.

' Mr. Dynelisy. Unseemly ! Surely I have a right to protect my character, after
my 33 years oi service ?

" Sir J. Dodson. Undoubtedly. But other persons have also a right to protect
their characters."

It would seem that Mr. Dyneley's notion of Protection is not
dissimilar to that which not long since was entertained by our worthy
agriculturists. Ruat caelum—so long as Number One is safe. Number
One is the only unit in the million to whom it is essential that protection
be extended, 999,999 other folks may lose their characters, but
Mr. Dyneley's must, of course, at any cost be guarded.

What follows is however still more farcical and footlightish :—

" The learned Judge ordered Mr. Dyneley to furnish copies of his charge* to all
the parties concerned.

" Mr. Dyneley. Then I shall have to make nine statements, and how I am t<> .
conduct the business of my office in addition, I really do not know. Mr. Orme has J HI insolence t han in satire
been laughing at me all the morning, and I beg therefore to read a passage from my
memorial respecting him.

" Sir J. Dodson refused to hear: nevertheless Mr. Dynfley persisted in reading
the pnssage. In it he charged Mr. Ormk with having used the following words to
him, in the presence of two clerkB ; ' I am about to retire from my profession, and
my greatest satisfaction in doing so is, that I shall never have any further commu-
nication with you, you poor man, you unhappy wretch ! ' (Laughter.) Mr. Dyneley
added—Don't think that I am at all a poor man ; for I have my choice of receiving
£1100 a-year for doing nothing, or of receiving £2000 a-year for the ditcharge of
my office in the New Court. I consider that the whole of this affair is to deprive
me of a position to which I have fairly earned a right. I feel myself peculiarly
aggrieved by the proceedings of this day, and if I don't think proper to deliver the
copies ordered by the Court, I shall take my own course.

" The painful discussion was then brought to a close."

WORDS TO THE UNWISE; OR, THE DONKEY'S

DICTIONARY.

Advice. Generally consists, even when the giver is sincere, in reconi ■
mending somebody else to imitate himself. One man tells another what
he would do if he were in that other's place, instead of telling him what
would be best for him, differently constituted, to do in his own. Advice
is very commonly mere dictation; the expression of a desire to control
other people's inclinations and regulate their conduct. In reviewing
our past career, we, in almost every instance, repent of having taken
the advice we took, and rejoice for not having taken that which we
rejected. Medical advice is of dubious value, and advice gratis is not
worth what it is offered for. Little dependence can be placed on any
advice but that of a respectable solicitor.

Banter. Is the polite and playful expression of contempt. It is the
conversation of gentlemen who despise one another. Nobody dares to
banter the Queen, or a judge on the bench, or anybody that he fears. The
objects of banter are usually those on whom it can, or gentlemen think
that it can, be practised with impunity. Banter tires a philosopher as
reasonable conversation bores a fool. To rid yourself of the plague of
banter you must retort it, but in the retaliation of banter care should
be taken to return insult for insult in an elegant and pleasant manner.

Chaff. "Who ate puppy-pie under Marlow Bridge?" is an
example of chaff, as oftentimes addressed to Thames bargemen.
Chaff, between blackguards is what banter is between gentlemen. It
is the reciprocal raillery of cads and rascals. " W here were you last
night?" and " Who stole'ducks ? " may be taken as popular instances
of chaff. " How about Botley assizes ? " is a piece of chaff commonly
addressed by Hampshire clowns in general to the particular clowns of
Botley, in that county. The Hampshire assizes are held at Winchester;
but tradition relates, that once upon a time, a man was hanged by the
inhabitants of Botley, because he could not drink more than a certain
quantity of beer. Allusion to this piece of Lynch law is a method of
insulting, or chaffing a Botley rustic, which is to this day practised with
high success—in violently enraging him. Ostlers, and the generality
of the rogues that are concerned about horses, are especially prone to
bandy chaff. The triumph of chaff lies in the excitement of wrath;
but the sting of chaff and banter, for the most part, consists rather

The position to which this Senior Deputy Registrar has, m our
opinion, "fairly earned a right," and of which we should regret
assisting to deprive, him, is a place upon "the boards," we will not say
as Clown, but as Comical Old Gentleman. One hardly knows which quality
to admire the most—his pathetic humour, or his persevering bore-
ishness. Perhaps the greatest hit of his morning's performance was the
way in which he turned from lamenting his distressed and over-worked
condition, to attacking Mr. Orme for smiling at his grief. The
suddenness of the transition from pathos to malignity is really quite
Ptobsonic; and the petulant refutal of the charge of being poor
reminds us much of Baddy Eardacres' denial that lie's rich. In his
excitement Mr. Dtneley overlooked the little fact, that the poverty
he had been taxed with was that of intellect, not pocket, and his
letting out that he could choose between an income of £1100 a-year for
doing literally nothing, and one of £2000 a-year for perhaps not doing
much, we can but look at as a letting of the cat out of the blue bag, in
which receptacle the animal, for proctorial reputation-sake, had best
have been kept hidden.

A. morning performance is in general, we think, a rather tame affair
- but we regret that we missed witnessing the one we have described,
or the scene " must really have been quite as good as any play which

FAIR AND FOUL ILLUSIONS.

For once in the way, we are enabled to praise an advertising doctor,
and we seize the opportunity of doing so with delighted avidity.
Professor Wiljalba Frikelt,, describing himself as "Physician to
their Majesties the Emperor and Empress of Russia," announces
that " his new and original Entertainment, performed without the aid
of any Apparatus, entitled Two Hours of Illusions, will commence
at 8, and terminate at ID o'clock." Here we have a Physician candidly
avowing that his professional practice consists in the production of
illusions. How much more honest and respectable is such a Physician
than an M.D. who professes to cure diseases by means of homoeopathic
globules ! Those illusions are merely harmless, but the illusions of
Dr. Frikell are not only harmless but amusing, and hence probably
in some degree medicinal. Entertaining illusions are better cures for
low spirits than quack medicines. These pretended specifics are
illusions of the nature of the Jack-o'-lantern, and lead those who are
deceived by them through long and dreary mazes into final grief. The
patent medicine is the lantern; the advertiser of it is the Jack, or
knave, that goes about with his imposture under the patronage of the
Government, whose stamp is a warrant to the British Public that the
rascal's good-for-nothing or pernicious compounds are genuine.

L Anv ertisement. ]

HTHE GENERAL OMNIBUS COMPANY respectfully begs leave to
J- inform the public thct it is a malicious libel, published by an enemy, which
invites morning passengers by the Company's Omnibuses from Chelsea to Loudon,
to take their dinners with them, ft may not be unwise in such passengers to
provide lunch in their pockets, but the Company pledges itself that any ot its
Omnibuses leaving Chelsea before ten o'clock, shall reach Temple Bar bofore
oinner time.