Punch: Punch (33.1857)

Decbm-i.br 19. 185'/.J

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SHAMEFUL SEPOY BOBBERY OF GENERAL HAVE LOCK.

—^^^^-y— „ f he Morning Star, in its sum-

^^^^^^^^^g^^ ^ss* mary, tells us that General

S^^^^^^^^^^£0r~J~ ~~7~ Havelock gained eight or

his melancholy disposition,

who sees everything at home and abroad in the deepest India black, we cannot imagine a
more terrible punishment. The only fear is, that the novelty might have the effect of selling
this penny organ of the Sepoys.

SAD OMISSION AT THE CATTLE-
SHOW

We regret to state, that the editor of the
Saturday Review sent several Pens to the exhi-
bition in Baker Street, but that they unfortu-
nately arrived too late. They were the Pens of
his various contributors. Every one of them
was of the cross-breed, but finer specimens of
the class could not weil have been selected.
Judges of such articles declare, with the greatest
confidence, that they must have carried off the
prizes. All the Pens were to have been exhi-
bited in the Pig-Department. Mb. Golightly
Teazle had a highly-bred Pen that was ad-
mirably adapted " to go the whole hog"—at
least that was the compliment honourably con-
ferred upon it by the classic Editor, who had
specially undertaken the rearing of it for pur-
poses of public exhibition, at least once a-week.
For porcine beauty it has probably never been
surpassed in the lit(t)erary world. So evident
were its merits, that we are informed, it must
have taken the curl completely out of the tail
of even Prince Albert's Pig.

Sublime Contempt. — Proud Man {whose
genealogical tree has been 2000 years, at least,
growing). He show you his Portrait-Gallery—
the mushroom ! Why, i doubt if the Snob has
got an Ancestor that dates further back than a
Photograph !

THEATRICAL TELEGRAMS.

Mr. Punch observes, with regret, that the directors of some of our
theatres are trying to take the bread out of the mouths of the penny
newspaper people, and their allies, the roaring ruffians who bawl news
in the quiet streets. It is growing a habit, when real or supposed
tidings have come in, for a manager or actor to step before the curtain,
and announce to the audience the contents of the Telegram. This
seems to us unfair, aud calculated to injure the interests of the
Catchpenny Press.

At least, we conceive, that, if a theatrical artist will meddle with
public affairs, he ought to do so artistically. He has no right simply
to plunder the newspaper. He ought to dress up his announcements
in some little accordance with his vocation. If he be a singer, let him
give his news operatically; if a tragedian, poetically; if a comedian,
comically; if an equestrian, hoarsely.

For instance, suppose a Telegram has come in, and Mr. Harrison,
at the Lyceum, considers it desirable to communicate the news to the
house. Let him come forward to the footlights, and, with a glance at
Mr. Mellon for a chord, sing what the poet of the Rose of Castille
would have written, as follows :—

" 1 am not now a Muleteer,
I've news to tell that you should hear,

It's come by Telegram :
A glorious battle has been fought,
The rascally Sepoys have caught
A licking; yes, and so they ought,
From brave Sir Cclin Cam.

{Bells.) Cam, Cam, Cam, Cam, Cam, Cam, Cam, Cam,
From brave Sir Colin Cam.
His Bell would not come into rhyme,
And so down there you hear it chime,

{Bells.) Cam, Cam, Cam, Cam, Cam."

Or, in the second case, we will imagine that Mr. Creswick thought
it necessary to communicate the same sort of thing at the Surrey (not
that he has ever ,done so, yet): he should step out before the tragic
green baize is removed, and address the house:—

" War's a dread thing, but, sanctified by right,
It is a noble thing. .Noblest of all
When it smites down the crest of cruel men.
Campbell has closed with Nana. On the turf
Lia in their blood full fifteen thousand blacks,
And, 'mid them, on a gibbet, fouls the air
Their ruffian chief. Shout we for Colin Campbell !"

Thirdlv let us suppose that Madame Celeste had desired to

apprise the Adelphi audience of the same fact, and had deputed our
friend—the world's friend—Mr. Paul Bedford, and his illustrious
ally, Mr. Wright, to make the speech. Mr. B.'s wink would be
worth a Jew's-eye, as he surveyed the pit, and was monarch of all he
surveyed:—

Now, my bricksy-wicksy-wicksies, what do you say, eh ? Haven't
the Campbells been coming, eh, and coming it pretty strong ? We
rayther flatter our shirtbuttons that they have just been and done
that same.

Mr. Wright, P.S- {invisible). I say, Jack, what are you cackling
about ? Mustn't talk to your benefactors like that, you know.

Air. Bedford. Come along here, Guv'nor. Talk of cackling, here's
a billy ducks. (Produces paper.)

Mr Wright (enters). Where's Billy ? Why, you stoopid old crea-
ture, what d'ye call that a billy for ? Nice sort of a rhinoceros you
must be.

Mr. Bedford. Come, come, Gov'nor, don't be hard on a fellah. We
haven't all got your hysterical information, you know. Read that
photographic messuage, Guv'nor.

Mr. Wright (with intense contempt). Photographic messuage! (Takes
the paper.) It's my belief, Jack, that you're a megalotherium. That's
about the size of it.

Mr. Bedford. What's that, Gov'nor ?

Mr. Wright. A great beast, Jack. But never mind. You can't
help it, and you wouldn't if you couldn't. Let's see, you old elephan-
tiasis. (Reads the Telegram, amid shouts of applause.)

THE NEEDFUL METAL.

Some of our readers may think that Mr. Commissioner Goulburn
was a little hard upon a party who appeared before him the other day
in the Court of Bankruptcy; and respecting whom he made the
following observation:—

" He then raised money upon those goods, and in the opinion of the Court only
satisfied the holder of the bill of lading by committing a fresh crime ; namely, by
obtaining a quantity of tin, before he failed, from a Mr. Jones."

But, how could he, poor fellow, satisfy the holder of the bill other-
wise than by obtaining a quantity of tin from somebody or other ? If
he had not procured the tin from Mr. Jones, he would have been
obliged to get it from Mr. Smith or Mr. Brown, or Mr. Robinson.
From the fact that he failed after having obtained that tin, his mistake
appears to have consisted in not obtaining enough.

The Sultan's Delphic Answer to Mons. de Lesseps' Peti-
tion about the isthmus of SUEZ.—" cut."