Punch: Punch (36.1859)

162

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[April 23, 1859.

Wednesday. The Speaker could hardly get his forty members, and
when, he did, they sat only forty minutes.

Thursday. An extremely interesting night. Never, perhaps, have
a father and a son been simultaneously engaged m a loftier duty, or
discharged it more admirably. The Earl of Derby m one House,
and Lord Stanley in the other, recapitulated the noble deeds of our
forces in India, and called respectively upon the Lords and Commons
to thank the wise and brave men who saved her Indian Empire to
Queen Victoria. All who spoke were, of course, unanimous in
eulogy ; and, in his double capacity of Peer of the Realm and Member
of Parliament, Lord Punch, M.P., hereby ratifies the vote, with the
mingled solemnity and enthusiasm which form part of his inimitably
noble nature.

In the Commons an arrangement was made whereby, for the future,
Jew Members are to come up on the fourth day of the meeting of a
new Parliament, and be admitted, if the House pleases, by resolution.
Sir Fitzroy Kelly brought in a Bill for consohdating the law of
offences against the person. Mr. Punch has not yet seen the Bill, but
hopes that it includes provision for the transportation, before the first

offence, of any person who looks likely, at any time in his life, to begin
playing a street-organ.

Friday. Ministerial statements about the Italian crisis had been
promised to-night, but were again postponed; whence it was surmised
that there might still be some hope of preventing the carrion eagles
from closing in fight.

The Dure of Argyll got up a small Indian debate, which he based
on a letter in which Lord Ellenborough had intimated, somewhat
distinctly, his conviction that the less England had to do with mis-
sionary business in India the better. Mr. Punch fears that the Tame
Elephant is an awful old heathen, but there is some sense in his
recommending extreme caution in iconoclasm.

The Commons, having nothing else before them, insisted on being
amused with some explanations of Ministerial conduct, of no great
interest to the world; and again Lord Palmerston poked at Mr.
Disraeli for the date of the dissolution, and again didn't get it.
Perhaps the Chancellor of the Exchequer, who is a classical
scholar, partakes of a certain ancient superstition, that it was not
lucky to allude to Pate in very precise terms.

A GO-AHEAD MINISTER.

According to Madame
Lola Montes, it is
a common thing in
the United States for
a broken-down jockey
or a bankrupt trades-
man to turn his mind
to law, physic, or
divinity, and become
an advocate, a doctor,
or a parson, in some
three months. The
Cleveland Plaindealer
corroborates _ her
statement by an inte-
resting tale, which
thus commences:—

" a Clergyman Ar-
rested while Preach-
ing a Funeral Sermon.
—As the Rev. William
Watson, the pastor of
the Methodist Church in
Glenwood, Iowa, was
preaching a funeral ser-
mon, he was arrested by
officers from an adjoin-
ing county for passing
counterfeit money."

The accusation was
not altogether un-
founded :—

" The Clergyman did
not accompany the pro-
cession to the grave, and
the officers arrested him.
They had previously
searched his house, in
the cellar of which they
found inks, presses, pa-
pers, rolling machines,

and the entire apparatus for the manufacture of counterfeit bank bills. They also found 1,000 dollars in
counterfeit bills, 800 dols. of which were tens on the Forest City Bank of this city, and about 200 dols. of fives
on the State Bank of Ohio."

But not only were appearances against the pastor :—

" The Clergyman made a clean breast of the matter. He became connected with some counterfeiters about
two years ago, and as he had been in early life an engraver, he became a useful and hard-working member of the
gang. He has preached in Glenwood about three years. He is about forty years old, a man of family, and has
been very generally esteemed and respected by his congregation and neighbours. He said he joined the
counterfeiters to get money ' to do good with.' "

To do good, not exactly by stealth, but by forgery; but this exemplary Divine will
certainly not " blush to find it fame." The pastor seems to have been in one respect well
qualified for his sphere of usefulness among a gang of coiners. He was at all events capable
of ministering any quantity of brass to them. His Glenwood flock, however, consisted of
rigid moralists, and did not admire the ring of that metal :—

" This explanation was not very satisfactory to his parishioners, however, and they discarded him at once."

The narrator of this edifying case remarks, with justice additionally, but urrnecessarilyj
illustrated:—

" He must have been a nice Minister. An examination of his -study' showed the Life in Boston, Verms'
hucMany, and other flash papers.''

The Minister is now fast in bonds:—

•' He was taken before a Justice of the Peace, and in default of heavy bail, was committed to the county
gaol, to await trial belore the Court of Common Pleas. The incident created a great sensation in the little
town.

Tribulation, probably, awaits the reverend
smasher. He will undergo a trial. He will
yery_ likely be convicted, and sentenced to
imprisonment and hard labour. He will call
that a trial too, although it is properly speaking
a punishment: but quack religionists always
term their disasters trials, and a fellow who is
at once a religious hypocrite and a common
rogue will naturally express his ideas in sanc-
tified slang.

Smart Americans, however, will no doubt be
proud of their countryman, the Rev. William
Watson, whom they are now enabled to boast
as the equal of Dr. Dodd. However, the
Rev. William Watson will not be hanged.

CANZONET ON THE LATE CRISIS.

Air—" A Temple of Friendship."

" A Temple * in friendship," cried Russell,
enchanted,

" I '11 bind to our cause, and make Derby
resign;"

The Temple was sought: John's petition was
granted:

Thought he, " Sure, of office the shoes now are
mine!"

So he flew to the House, with the speed ot
Pandora

On her mission of bringing destruction when sent:
And there entered a Notice, he thought 'twas a
floorer,

The deadliest weapon his art could invent.

The battle was fought: John nis forces com-
bining

With the Temple and Bright, broad of back as
of brim,

A victory gained: counted votes thirty-nine in
Majority: Jack swore 'twas plenty for him.

But what were his thoughts, when a few even-
ings after

'Twas announced—To the country the House is

despatched:
Cried Dis, in his sleeve slily venting his laughter,
" You counted your chickens, John, ere tbey

were hatched!"

* Lord Palmerston. See Peerage.

Something for a Tool's Head.

The best thing for any old fool who wishes to
dye his grey hair is, if it is nothing worse than
what it calls itself, some grease which is adver-
tised under the name of Walnut Pommade.
Walnut colouring matter would stain the hair of
the aged simpleton without burning it, and
give his ass's head that appearance of dead
horse-hair, which ordinarily exposes the base
imposture of the dyeing old dandy.