Punch (37.1859)

50

[July 30, 1859.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ALARMING EPIDEMIC-THE WHISTLEPHOBIA.

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OE PARLIAMENT.

Mil Punch was condescending enough, to explain to the world, last
week, how the Thames breezes drove him from town, after the Thurs-
day night’s debate. In consequence of his absence the discussions on
Friday -were entirely without interest. In the Lords there was some
unprofitable talk about the unprofitable peace, and something of the
same sort took place in the Commons. The latter, however, got to work,
and voted all the Army Estimates and a good many Civil Service ones,
and were informed that we shall soon have 300 Armstrong rifled cannon.
Mr. Punch passed four days on his back on his lovely lawn, reading
Mn. Tennyson’s new volume of poems, giving, of course, a day to each
of the four. (He may remark, enpassant, that the Laureate’s Quadri-
lateral is a noble fortification of his fame.) The number of cigars and
the quantity of iced liquids which he imbibed during that happy hori-
zontalism are nobody’s business but his own. Einally, he got so im-
bued with the Laureate’s beautiful work, that he would think and
talk of nothing else, addressed his children as Enid and Elaine, and
upon Mrs. Punch’s caressing his manly beard, and suggesting an extra
cheque for some ridiculous purpose, responded—

“ With all my heart, my pretty Vivien.”

In this mood he returned to town on Monday night, in order to hear
the Chancelloe oe the Exchequee open his Budget, but the
exquisite Tennysonian music clung to his brain, and he actually com-
posed the following resume of the speech, without being aware that he
had turned it into poetry:—

Gladstone the good, Gladstone the eloquent,

Gladstone, the Chancellor of the Exchequer,

Bose in the chamber on the Moon’s warm night,

And gave long talk to the perspiring throng,

The while the Thames stank like the very deuce,

Lime striving vainly with his tainted slime.

And Gladstone, gravely smiling on them, said:

“ Sit still and gather honey. I presume
Before I state the expedients I design,

’Twere well I summarised the grand result ]

Of my Caucasian predecessor’s work.

His estimate of what the year would bring

Was six three nine two ought, and three oughts more.

The tin accrued, however, m excess:

Six five, and four seven seven, and two eight four.
Expenditure was less than this last sum,

And we’ve in hand £800,000.”

Then plaudit issued from the listening House,

But Gladstone gave a deprecating smile.

“ Neither the stamp on cheques, nor the increase

In duty on Hibernia’s ardent spirits

(Deem not I mean her sons, I mean her swizzle)

Has yet produced, so far as I can tell,

The sum Diseaeli supposed they would.

Who ca,n know all things in this mundane world ?
Touching those cheques, I find the man who draws
May hand his coloured slip across, the counter,
Unstamped, and (if his balance wall permit)

Receive the coin; a practice I shall stop,

And he who draws shall stamp: ’tis like he’ll stamp,
And may-be swear, if he have over-drawn.

And the mild clerk declines to draw it mild.

And smiling once again, or at kis.joke.

Or at the thought of what was coming next,
Gladstone proceeded. “ Now, my estimate
Of next year’s income thus do I announce.

Six four, three four ought, and three oughts beside.
That is the sum the Country should produce
Up to the end of March approximating.

Sixty-four millions and about a third.

’Twere fine to clap an Income-Tax on that.

And fine the country fivepence in the pound—

A thought of genius, lent by godlike Punch.”

At tMt loved name they rose tumultuously,
Cheering and shouting, and, with peace restored.

The fluent speaker thus took up his tale.

“ Now, hearken to the year’s expenditure,

And if it is not heavy, I ’ll be blowed;

Armies and Navies, and Gibraltar Cables
And the new work in China and Japan,

And nine-and-twenty millions on the Debt,

Are items that mount up, with other things,

And Nine and Sixty millions, (not to name
A fleabite of two hundred thousand pounds,)

We, that is I, and Palmeeston, and Lewis
And savage Someeset and courteous Heebeet,

And all the rest of us, propose to spend
Before the thirty-first of coming March;

Put that, my gentle hearers, in your pipes,

And, at your pleasant leisure, smoke the same.

££ Now,” he continued, in his honey tone,

“ This shows, you see, a gross deficiency.

When I say gross, I do not mean reproach,

But use a cant-word of commercial slang.

Because it sounds uncommon business-like.

And this deficiency subtraction’s rule
Sho-ws to amount, O friends, to Millions four
And Hundred Thousands, added, eight, six, seven.
Where shall wre get that money, O my friends ?

“ Bear with me while with me I would bear you
Into reflection, for some moments’ space.

Though space is not a cognate word with time,

And time—but that’s a thing we will not waste
Dissecting nicely every passing phrase,

When wre should, be prepared for other frays,

The thought whereof affrays the patriot mind.

This year I think we ’ll call Exceptional.

We have a grand Armada, and besides
A noble army; both we’ve lately raised
Eor reasons understood of all of you.

If in six months, or twelve, things grow not Worse,
(You all know what I mean, and worse means war)
We may suppose that they will surely Better.
Therefore, 1 say, let’s pay our way at once,

And be prepared for what contingency
Eate hath in store—if war, wrn ’ll want all cash
Then to be got; if peace, at twelvemonth’s end
We ’ll kick the Income-Tax to Belzebub,

Lucifer, Moloch, and their President,

Eriend of the President of Italy.”

Cheering from anti-Papal Newdegate
Led louder cheering from the Liberal bench.

Then onward wrent the Homeric Chancellor.