Punch (37.1859)

BaD£N RACES—PORTRAIT OF A GERMAN JOCKEY.

The Major Allowance.

A Statician, a small
Wilsonite in his figurative
way, was explaining to a
lady how (and we strongly
suspect that he stole the
facts out of Mr. Fon-
blanque’s book) a Major,
after allowing for the in-
terest on the sum paid for
his commission,only cleared
£42 9s. 8d. per annum.
“ Good gracious me! ” ex-
claimed the astonished
Duchess; “ why, do you
know I give Axastasie,
my French maid, more
than that, and she has all
my old things ! ”

LECTURES ABOUT TO BE DELIVERED.

Now that Parliament is over, the Lecture-mania is about to begin.
We understand that the following gentlemen have certain learned
subjects in reading, which they will be happy to let off, at a moment’s
notice, for the benefit of any Mechanics’ Institute, or even an agri-
cultural audience that can be proved to Lave the faculty of under-
standing. Terms—nothing. The only condition laid down—applause,
but plenty of it.

Mr. Frederick Peel. On the combustibility of the River Thames,
aud the best means to be taken for insuring the same.

Lord John Russell. The Panorama of Constitution Hill, and por-
traits and biographies of the most distinguished heroes and patriots
who have fought and struggled there, from Caractacus down to the
last man who was assaulted by the police. To conclude with a Smol-
lett and Humeotous comparison, in unbridled verse, between the
Constitution of England ana the constitution of a horse, proving which
one works best and which can be worked the most.

Mr. J. A. Roebuck. How to move the Government, when once you
have got your Lever; with a remarkable instance of how to get
£78,000 a year out of ministers by means of the Screw. The re-
markable instance will be handed round in a Packet, brought from
Galway, and made extremely convenient for slipping into a gentleman’s
pocket.

Mr. B. Disraeli. On the nature and character of Flea-bites; with
instructions for extracting the sting of the same out of the constitution,
and infallible remedies for allaying the irritation caused by them.
Mentally magnified, so as to be visible to the mind’s eye of the
blindest and stupidest.

Mr. Bernal Osborne. “A safe Guide to Government Situations; ”
with a portrait.

• Baron Bramwell. On Contempt of Court, and various other forms
of contempt, including that of public opinion. Baron Bramwell will
obligingly wear his Judge’s costume on each occasion, so as to render
his illustrations the more life-like.

Mr. Gladstone. On the art of Hair-splitting ; with French ex-
amples, proving that the best way of getting to the root of an argument
is always de Ic tirerpar les cheveux.

Lord Palmerston. On the Beauties of Italian Architecture, espe-
cially in their relation to the beautiful castles in the air that are now
being built in Italy about Italian Liberty.

THE RING.

The following would appear to have been intended for Bell's Life,
but as it was discovered in our letter-box in an envelope addressed
only to “ the Hedditer,” we are induced to give it publication:—

“ Dear Bell,

“ About this ere little mill for the Berrick championship.
You knows as how as Berrick haint neither in Hengland or Scotland,
and so as a champion of hits hown. And a snug little birth it is for
un. Quiet and liout of the way like, and not too many questions
basked about is hante ceeduns.

“ Well there was a mill as cum off three or four months ago, atwixt
Dizzies Pet and the Berwick Buffer. And they guv as how as the
Pet wun, but everybody knowd as how as he’d it fowl. And conse-
kently the thing were to be reffurd to a comitti of purfeshonals. YVell,
the Pet didn’t like paying on em five bob a day and beer and backey,
besides a lowering the carakter of the championship. So it was
aranjed as how—as the Pet was to resign the belt as soon as it seemd
deecent like, and the Buffer were to walk over.

“ Well that were all square and abuv bord—warnt it ?

“ But wot d’ye think the Pet’s frends goes and dus. YVhy wen the
Buffer cums to the scratch, eggspektin a walk over, and not in trainin
nor nuffin; blow me if they don’t bring a thundering big yokel to
fight un.

“ And the Buffer had seven-and-thirt.y round with un afore he could
pollish un off. And it were a neer tuch then.

“ Now, I ask you if that’s bisness. Is this kind of thing to go on ?

“ If it dus, I knows what’ll be the hend. Genelmen will withdrar
their suport from the ring haltogether.

“What’s the use of hearly information if you can’t depend upon
hit? What’s the good of squareing wun man, if you liev to fight
anuther ?

“ I means to say as its low, and me and my frends won’t kount
nance it.

“ For the first time I feels ashaymed of my purfeshun.

“ Hever yours,

“ Tiiomas Tweed.’’

The YAlue oe Silence.—A Woman has
by talking—never by holding her tongue.

often committed herself

[September 10, 1859.

ANOTHER STRIKE.

The Government Clerks
intend organising a strike.
They are going in for five
hours’ labour—if labour is
not too playful a word for
it. They also stipulate being
allowed two hours a day
for reading the newspaper.
These claims, which must
be admired for their mode-
ration, will very likely be
acceded to, as we do not
see how the machinery of
Government can possibly
go on without them.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.