Punch: Punch (69.1875)

98

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[September 11, 1875.

HELPS OE A HIGHER KIND.

Scene—The Domestic Board after Dinner. Paterfamilias,
Daughters, and Uncle.

Daughters. "What nice weather this would be for the sea-side,
Papa!

Paterfamilias. H'm! How nice it has been for the harvest, and
the British Association.

First Daughter. And so like it. So dry.

Uncle. Well, this time the Association was, perhaps, a little drier
than usual. But you should read Mrs. Crawshay's paper on "Lady
Helps." That might interest even you.

Paterfamilias. Will her plan ever answer ? ^

Uncle. Not as it ought to, I am afraid. Not among the higher
classes.

Paterfamilias. Why ?

Uncle. It requires the Lady of the House personally to work it
out. She won't, iinless she has a very exceptional taste for doing
good. Too much trouble. But poor gentlefolks might manage it, if
they chose.

Paterfamilias. How ?

Uncle. By having Lady Helps, who would be helps in reality,
helping the young ladies of the family do the household woik, all of
it—no common servants being kept at all.

A Daughter. What, help clean knives and forks ?

Uncle. Yes, my dear, and boots and shoes; scrub floors, wash
plates and dishes; perform all the offices of maids-of-all-work,
cooks, kitchen-maids, and scullions.

Daughters. 0, Uncle!

Uncle. 0! Yes. 0! I know. Xonpossumus, as the Pope
says. But in poor genteel families Lady Helps could hardly expect
any wages. They would have to accept association with the family
on equal terms, and board, as sufficient consideration.

Paterfamilias. Common servants are better off in their way than
that.

Uncle. Considerably. But there are people, rich people, who
could well enough afford good wages—if they were only inclined to
put the " Lady Helps " scheme in practice.

Paterfamilias. What sort ?

Uncle. Uneducated people ; persons of low origin who have grown
wealthy. Any of them, capable of treating poor ladies with proper
respect, might derive a double advantage from Lady Helps. In
addition to getting the work of servants faithfully done, boots and
shoes, for instance, thoroughly well cleaned, they might acquire a
degree of polish themselves by habitual intercourse with persons of
higher culture than their own.

Paterfamilias. A benefit for them, indeed.

Uncle. Their children, too, by conversing with Lady Helps, would
unlearn dropping their aitches—just as, on the contrary, you know,
little boys and girls usually learn from common servants to talk bad
English.

Daughter. 0, Uncle, how can you !

Paterfamilias. I wish the project could be brought to bear.
Anything to save girls from the necessity of marrying merely to
live.

A Daughter. That must be a sad life for them.
Uncle. Yes. Still sadder for their husbands.
Paterfamilias. Eh ? I say. Mightn't there be Gentleman Helps,
too ?

Uncle. Certainly. We know—and I am sure you girls know—
numbers of young gentlemen who are exactly fit to be Helps. They
are sons of small gentry or professional men. They inherit neither
property nor brains. Are perfectly honest, obliging, and civil, but
utterly incapable of learning enough to enable them to pass any
examination. All the higher walks of life are as completely closed
to them as to women; and they loaf about at home with nothing to
do but smoke short pipes, stupefying the moderate intellect tbey
possess. But nature has admirably adapted them to be valets,
lootmen, butlers, buttonses, grooms, and coachmen — especially
grooms and coachmen ; for they mostly do know how to ride and
drive. Were Gentleman Helps practicable, then youths might be
rescued from a life of idleness, and, in helping others, also in some
measure get to help themselves.

Paterfamilias. Eh, now, after that discourse, practise your
preaching. Help yourself, and pass the wine. And let us drink—
"The Dignity of Domestic Service." Paterfamilias, at any rate,
can appreciate the endeavour to promote it which has been made at
Cyfartha.

THE HOUSE AND THE HOME

3

OK, HINTS TOWARDS A GRAMMAR OF DECORATIVE ART.

Leonardo Dell,
Esq., S.A.S., A.E
dillitanty Society.

By Leonardo Delta Robbia de Tudor Westpond Tumpkyns
Esq., S.A.S., A.B.F., M.U.F., and Hon. Member of the Dulli-

Astronomical Tables.—Our designs for these will, we feel sure, be
praised up to the skies. They can be specially ordered, and will be
adapted, according to the order received, to the use of stars of the

first magnitude.
r*> WTe impartially

£ :1' advise Mesdames

<y&' f£C$ Nilsson, Patti,

i^^>, (Trriffc~ r^T\ Titjens, and the

n A Kx^t^-tvL^I otner °Peratie

( .» II IW iX fxMk'%i ■ stars, to inspect

V-jY\| ^>bf( {MM'X our Catalogue.

/(TU!\/\| fjTI i^mVu of increasing a
V1' tl P \ \^W\wfT table has hitherto
V\|,} ,\> p[*4 Xl (Jr// Deen to split it
V IWWm {.M a AKVr // ' i\ ' «P into leaves.
tt\n ■ \l ' ' '" >' i I These leaves, be-
lli! If! m ^"^AVsL/ ^ ™£ invariahly
'1 ll\ - /P*2'' ut^' f/^jPs-5^'l2i~ brown, or some
vx~^ fan C0i01ir) give

_^-|r* the table an au-

"\, ~~ tumnal appear-

ance, far from
exhilarating. Our

design for a Sunflower Table, without leaves, meets every possible
contingency, and overcomes all difficulties.

N.B.—To carry out our magnificent designs, we have already
rented a large space in a well-known table-land. The address, for
various reasons, cannot be published at present.

The Tea Table ought in every way to carry out its name. Nothing
for simplicity can compare with the accompanying illustration:—

Tear'em Complimentary.

.ed people."—Ma. Roebucks ,

And what should Sheffield Blades be, but polished ?

"We are a polished people."—Ma. Roebucks Speech at the Master
Cutlers' Feast.

In houses where green and black teas are mixed, in obedience to
the rule " always cross your teas," it will be as well to have another
sort of table in use. But, really, if you trust to us, you can't have
too many of these tables
[designed at our place, pa-
tentea'd and sold only by rs.]

This symbolises the mix-
ture abovementioned, and is
called the Cross'd Tea Table.

There can be no possible
doubt that much space is
wasted in our rooms, while
much space is inconveniently
occupied. Thus, what are
legs of tables, as a rule, but
difficulties in the way of our
own legs ? " I beg your par-
don, is that your leg or the
leg of the table ? " is a com-
mon question. The situation
is most awkward. But if
there were no legs—if all
tables were what we shall

henceforth term (having pa- crossed triable

tented the name) "Biffin
Tables," the difficulty would be cut away from under our feet.

It is evident that guests round a table are not likely to knock
their beads together: heads have eyes: legs have not.