Punch: Punch (69.1875)

October 23, 1875.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 163

While so near the front door, it will be as well to pay some atten-
tion to the exterior decoration in knockers and bell handles.

The knocker, which might be a Roman nose, or a fist, should be
so arranged as'to answer its own requirements.

I will explain. When a person knocks at a door, it means that
he wants something. Now, the first thing he wishes to know is,
whether any one is at home. Now, the knocker may be so arranged
as to touch a spring, with one knock, which shall immediately shoot
out a white metal plate with "Not at Some" on it. Two raps
would produce "Return Uncertain." Three raps, which would
show obstinacy, and would indicate an unfriendly spirit on the part
of the rapper,—an unfriendly spirit-rapper,—should produce a
metal plate bearing the words " Be Off!" Four raps, evincing
pertinacity, animosity, or clearly the hand of a dun, should produce
a plate with the words " Go to—Jericho ! " on it. All this can be
managed with a circular shield, of mediaeval design, affixed to the
front door at a small cost.*

A fifth rap should touch a percussion exploder, and project a
small but sharp-hitting pea, with the words "Do 'a done! will

you ? —or, instead of the percussion, a piston-worked squirt which
would discharge a small quantity of water into the rapper's face.

Bells could be arranged on a similar principle. Unless they were
entirely done away with, and speaking-tubes used.':\ "*3&m

The Master or Mistress is then able to go to the window, or with-
out doing so to recognise the voice of the caller. In which case, if
there is a piano at hand, Db. Watts's Sluggard's Hymn can be
adapted and sung as follows:—

'Tis the voice of the Caller,

I heard him complain,
" Not at home ! Always out!

I won't call here again."

Or, without wasting time in. song, the answer can be at once given,

" No, gone out," or "Not at home," or
you can call down through another
tube to the footman in the pantry, and
say, "Master's not at home—gone
out—won't be back for ever so long,"
&c, &c.

These Tubes can be, externally, in
floriated metal of exquisite t design,
representing flowers of speech.

These speaking-tubes save the ser-
vants' legs, if that is an object, and
your servants' legs should be an object
—of admiration.

A propos of " saving your servants'
legs "—every Lady of fashion should

have a cupboard where she should save
her servants' legs—I mean a cupboard
which should represent a Domestic
Magazine, for the use of male ser-
vants, and be filled up with plenty of
padding.

A Lawyer, a Doctor, a Clergyman,
a Dentist, an Artist, an Author, an
Actor, &c, &c, each one ought to
»•,'.-;. .. . have a special and peculiar style of

iurnisning his house, instead of bringing down the decorative art to
one dead level uniformity.

* Send to the Author of this work; he knows the man to do this cheap,
bmall commission; no other charge. Orders punctu ally attended to.

V For example, a Barrister's door knocker should be a tail of a legal
wig; a Clergyman could publish his bands outside; a Dentist could
have a tooth and nail, and so forth.

{To be continued.)

CLEjMCjU- (\K0C KEFs,

(POLICE)-COUBT THEATRES.

It is stated, on the best authority that can be found for the
rumour, that the delay which has taken place in providing proper
Police Courts in several districts where the existing ones are dis-
gracefully inadequate, has been occasioned by the consideration of a
scheme which would necessitate buildings of an entirely different
character. It has been thought that the large amount of " ap-
plause," "laughter," and " cheers, which were taken up outside
the Court," continually occurring, might warrant the establishment
of an auditorium where such manifestations would appear less out
of place. The ordinary design for a bijou theatre would be all that
could be desired.

In this the worthy Magistrate might occupy the centre of the stage,
and persons of distinction, instead of being " accommodated with a
seat on the Bench," could be shown into a private box. The Chief
Clerk might be accommodated in a prompter's box, such as is used at
the Opera House, where his various suggestions and expoundings of
the law would not appear so derogatory to the Magisterial capacity
as is occasionally the case at present.

Prisoners, accompanied by a Policeman, might come up a trap
from the cells. On conviction, they might descend amidst flashes of
red fire. On acquittal, they might be allowed to bow to the audience
and retire at the wings, amid applause. Any defendant informed
that he, or she, left the Court "without a stain on his (or her) cha-
racter," might at his, or her, exit, have the limelight turned on,
as a visible and sensational symbol of innocence triumphant!

On such a stage the worthy Magistrates and Counsel, who are now
so often witty under every disadvantage, might crack their jokes
to their hearts' content, and receive naturally the national tribute
of laughter and applause.

On these boards the Comic Witness might " gag" till he brought
down the house; while the Comic Prisoner might rouse " the Cods"
to that enthusiasm which expresses itself in the cheering which at
present is>o often " taken up outside the Court."

The question of refreshment-rooms, and a small orchestra to play
appropriate airs during the unavoidable pauses in the proceedings,
such as adjournments for lunch, might be considered at leisure.
While, however, "laughter," "applause," and "cheers," cannot be
suppressed in the Courts that exist, Police-Court Theatres do not
strike us as a very great innovation. If Justice cannot be ad-
ministered with gravity, in the present temper of the public, we see
no reason why the temples of Themis should not be invested with
all the attractiveness that now belongs to those of her popular rela-
tives Melpomene and Thalia.

What Can It Be ? or, the Sphinx of the Sea.

The Correspondent of the New York World, on board the
Pandora, hailing from Disco, transmits his log; wherein occur the
following entries:—

« Monday 19th.—Begins with calm. At three a.m., Davies, A.B., catches
three ' moley-mokes.' At eleven we see two seals. . . . We also see several
bottle-nosed whales."

A ',bottle-nosed whale may be imagined a se&-Bardolph, an
emblem of a man who drinks like a fish, as a whale drinks, if either
a fish or a whale drinks at all. But what is a " moley-moke " ?
There are said to be sea-horses. Can the " moley-moke " be a sea-
donkey ? We hope the People will shortly be enabled to study a
" moley-moke " in the Westminster Aquarium, some fine Sunday.