Punch: Punch (69.1875)

November 6, 1875.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON. CHARIVARI_189

THE FLOODS IN OXFORD.

he following decree
of the Hebdomadal
Council has this day
been published:—

Spire of St. Mary's,
Oct. 30th.
In consequenceof
the unforeseen rise
of the waters, and
general inundation
of the Colleges, the
following regula-
tions will be ob-
served by Under-
graduates :—

1. —Lectures will
be delivered from
the highest tower
of each College.
Undergraduate s
will attend in the
Boyton life-dress,
with cap and gown.

2. — Academicals
must be worn over
the Boyton dress
after sunset.

3. —The roll of

the Undergraduates will be called at their respective Colleges at
eleven p.m., when all are required to moor themselves for the night
in their respective quads.

4. —Canoes will be reserved for those who have taken the degree
of M.A. Any Undergraduate paddling his own canoe without a
written order from the Proctors will be fined ten shillings.

5. —Sculling boats are reserved for the Vice-Chancellor, Proctors,
and Heads of Houses.

6. —The Proctors and Bull-dogs will patrol the streets in steam
launches.

7. —Any Undergraduate convicted of furious paddling will be
severely dealt with.

8. —The Boyton dress worn by Undergraduates must be of a sub-
fuse hue.

Given under our hand and seal this 30th day of October, 1875.

POETE IN A STOEM.

Me. Gladstone having refused a Palace on the Bosphorus, and
£50,000 a year, in return for his 'services as a Turkish Financier,
the Government of the Sublime Porte are said to be turning their
eyes to other quarters in search of a possible substitute for the
eminent English Statesman in question. It is rumoured (it is fair
to say on very unreliable authority) that the following letters have
been received at the Turkish Foreign Office during the last seven
days. For obvious reasons the names of the writers are not given
in full;—

Stoke, October, 1875.

De., K-y, M.P., q,.C, &c. &c, presents his most respectful

compliments to his Sublime Majesty, the Sultan oe Turkey, and
deeply regrets that the toil of literary labour, devoted to the
noblest purposes of mankind, prevents him from accepting the very
complimentary invitation of becoming Minister of Finance to Turkey,
the land of the brave and the free, the nation of heroes, and the
terror of slaves. The Doctor feels that he is eminently suited to
fill the post with care, punctuality, patriotism, and the most busi-
ness-like despatch. The Doctor (as doubtless his Sublime Majesty
is aware) can speak Greek, Latin, Hebrew, French, Austrian,
Prussian, German, and Irish. Years ago, too, he could write
English. The Doctor, however, will be glad to send over to Turkey,
the land of the brave and the free, the nation of heroes, and the
terror of slaves, one of his dear sons to represent him. The boy
with the Turkish name would be the most appropriate; but the
Sultan can take his choice. His Sublime Majesty may have the
pick of the lot. In the event of this proposal being accepted, the
Doctor would wish that all subscriptions to the Magna Charta
Association (prospectus enclosed) may be sent to the President
direct. The Doctor as a man, a father, and a peer of Cromwell,
must insist upon this in the plainest language possible. Accounts
audited every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Office hours,
from eight to six.

_r T. R. D. L. October, 1875.

Mr. D-n B-t presents his compliments to the Sultan oe

Turkey, and regrets to say that previous engagements will prevent

him from accepting the position offered to him by His Majesty.

Mr. D-n B-t, however, would suggest that the only way to

place the Turkish Finances on a satisfactory footing would be to
produce in Constantinople in the off season a new and original
Oriental Drama, with gorgeous scenery and novel effects. The
features of the piece might be a Race (in sacks) on the Bosphorus,
the Burning of a Real Turkish Mosque, and the Celebration (in the
third Act) of a Comic Arab Funeral. The present Turkish Bonds
might be exchanged for Orders for the Upper Circle not admissible
after seven o'clock. Should His Majesty think well of the sugges-
tion, Mr. D-n B-t would be glad to undertake the manage-
ment of the scheme on sharing terms. Provincial Rights in the
Herzegovina to be arranged for after the production of the piece in
Constantinople.

Peterborough, Oct., 1875.
Mr. W-y, M.P., indignantly refuses to become Finance Minis-
ter to the Sublime Porte. Mr. W-y, M.P., begs to say that he

believes the Sultan oe Turkey to be as wily a Jesuit as Cardinal
Manning himself.

Dartmoor, Oct., 1875.

A " B. of the B. K." (" Barrinite of the British Kingdum") giv
his respeckful respex to the Sultun of the Hand of Tuckey, and
regretts that circumstarnces ovor wich he as kno kontrole preventes
im from acceptin of the kinde invitashun. Opin the Sultun of the
Hand of Tuckey is well, wich it leives me at presente.

England, Oct., 1815.

Mr. E. A. S-n regrets to say that it is utterly impossible for

him to accept the office of Finance Minister with the title of Pacha.

Mr. E. A. S-n feels that the Sultan oe Turkey has written to him

under a misapprehension of the facts of the case. Lord Dundreary
is merely a creation of the brain. Mr. E. A. S-n, however, cor-
dially agrees with His Majesty that were Lord Dundreary a real
personage, his Lordship would be just the man to arrange the details
of Turkish Finance.

85, Fleet Street, B.C., Oct., 1875.

Mr. P-ch is surprised at the impudence of the Sultan.

Turkish repudiation is a disgrace to civilisation, and His Majesty
deserves to be brought before a Judge and a common jury. Mr.
P-ch begs to state that should any further messengers be des-
patched from Constantinople to the Punch Office, Toby will arrange
matters with them on their arrival!

THE PROFESSOR OF THE FUTURE.

This Lady Professor's so wondrous wise,

Her very face is a study ;
She mounts a pair of celestial blue eyes,

And her mouth's small ellipsis is ruddy.

To masculine pupils of various age

She lectures,—for such is her duty ;
And the old ones think her an absolute sage,

And the young ones a perfect beauty.

Her small white hand has a clenching force,
If sometimes her facts look like fiction;

And, whate'er be the logic of her discourse,
Her smiles breed instant conviction.

Such sweet little theories doth she advance,

And her eyes emit proofs so thickly,
Her senior disciples fall into a trance,

Her junior in love as quickly.

Now, though Punch's opinion should go for nought,

Or be slighted as merely funny,
He holds that if thus the old fellows be taught,

The boys will get most for their money.

the old, old story.

In CiESAR's time, as he tells us at the beginning of his Commen-
taries, " Otnnis Gallia divisa est in tres partes.''' So it is still,—the
three parties being Legitimists, Bonapartists, and Republicans.
Only C-Zesar is wanting.

l'afeaiee darnley.

(By Our Own Nobleman.)

Lord Darnley's conduct, at the best,

Must be pwonounced infewior,
While Gwavesend's Mayor—excuse the jest—

Comes out as Lake Supewior !

[Left alone, laughing.