Punch: Punch (69.1875)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 13, 1875.

PUNCH AT THE LORD MAYOR'S DINNER.

he Show was over.
The Procession
had made its tour
of the City and
got to Westmin-
ster, picked up
the Judges, and
returned hy way
of the Thames
Embankment.
The City Marshal
had pranced on
his fiery untamed
steed through the
ancient street of
Fleet, and the gilt gingerbread coach
(very full inside) had jolted past the St.
Stephen's Club and the site of the New
National Opera House without an acci-
dent. The trumpeters, in jack boots
and velvet caps, had flourished their
loudest nourish, and the principal
guests had been cheered by the other guests, and all was joy, cold viands and hot turtle-soup—thick and clear.

3fr. Punch, having only consented to be present at the Banquet on the understanding that his incognito should be strictly respected,
was seated at one of the lower tables, with a Common Councilman on one side of him, and a gentleman in a Yeomanry uniform—
fearfully and wonderfully made—on the other. He was weary of the talk of his neighbours. The first had given him a tedious
history of all the less noted pumps in the City of London, and the second had shown him (with_ the aid of some walnuts, a pair of
crackers, and a desert-spoon) how Putney might be saved from the hoof of the ruthless invader, in the event of the Germans taking
Herne Bay by a coup de main. Mr. Punch listened with the amiable politeness for which he is famed all the world over, and was
turning round to suggest tbat, perhaps, 85 Fleet Street might be of some service as a rifle-pit {Mr. Punch's military knowledge is
sound, as far as it goes, if limited), when he noticed that, in the place of the warlike Yeoman, was seated a lady of most prepossess-
ing appearance. She was dressed in white, and carried in her hand a small mirror.

"My dear Mr. Punch," she said, smiling, as her neighbour gazed upon her with a broad stare of astonishment, "you are sur-
prised to see me here ? "

" Very much indeed," replied Mr. Punch, bluntly.

"As one of my oldest, dearest, and firmest friends," she continued, "I will tell you why I have come. I want to make the
speakers to-night talk frankly. In my presence they dare not be guilty of deceit. While they are smiling and attempting to conceal
their thoughts, you and I will be listening to the Truth. You know who I am P "

" May I be shot if I do ! " replied Mr. Punch, again very bluntly.

" Look at this mirror ! " Mr. Punch looked, and saw a very handsome, clever man—it was the reflection of his own face. " Yes,
I see you have guessed my name now—I am Truth ; and for the last thirty-four years I have been near your desk, to guide your pen
and point your pencil. And here we meet at the Lobd Mayor's Banquet! What do you think of that ? "

" That you are out of place," returned Mr. Punch.

" Quite so. It is the first time I have had anything to do with after-dinner speeches, and very likely it will be the last. But hush!
There is the Lord Mat or proposing the health of the Queen.

And very pleasantly did the Lord Mayor perform the duty. In the presence of Truth he could only praise Her Majesty. _ His
speech indeed would have been perfect had he omitted the last two or three sentences, which seemed to be forced from him against his will:—

"I am very much pleased to be Lord Mayor," said he ; " and before my predecessor was out of office I took care to put myself en
evidence by explaining that, out of respect to Mr. Alderman' Stone, I could not take part in any public ceremony. The Queen is the
fountain of honour, and certain Representatives of Foreign States are still permitted to go to Court. I am sure you will be delighted
to learn that, in future, people admitted to the Palace will not be allowed to dine in the Guild Hall. The Crown I admit is the Fountain
of Honour, but is not the Lobd Mayor something more—is he not the Chief Cook of Dignity ? "

" Really," said Mr. Punch to his neighbour, " I think these remarks very mal apropos."

" I made him say that," replied Truth, with a smile. " But listen to that Distinguished Officer returning thanks for the Army."

Said the Distinguished Officer: " You do not deserve much praise from us. We know perfectly well that you scrutinise every item of
the Army Estimates. Still, I must say something civil, and so I allude to the City Train Bands. I think they must have been, as a
body of men, nearly as useless as the Volunteers. I believe they have a large drill-ground somewhere near Finsbury Circus. I hear
you have been squabbling about it. All I can say is, squabble as much as you please, but don't bother us with your complaints.
These remarks are local, but I will add one of general interest. Recruiting is still very unsatisfactory. The young men we wish to
draw into the Service consider the Army a disgraceful calling. Under these circumstances, it is most important that we should
treat the livery of Her Majesty with the greatest possible respect; that soldiers should be taught that the red coat is the most honour-
able of costumes. Accordingly, we have ordered two officers to wear their uniforms, as a punishment, for the space of a year; and may,