Punch: Punch (69.1875)

204

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 13, 1875.

" Vaticana bibis, bibis venerium."

Martial. Epig. lib. vi. 02.

"GLADSTONE'S CLARET."

LORD MAYOR'S DAY AS IT MIGHT BE.

{Extracted by Clairvoyance f rom the City Chronicle, A.D. 1975.)

"We often hear remarks about the wisdom of our ancestors, yet we
are not seldom filled with pity when we patiently reflect upon the
follies of our forefathers, such, for instance, as they perpetrated in
their foolish Lord Mayor's Show. How vast is the improvement
since a hundred years ago! "Who would ever dream now of stopping
for some hours the whole traffic of the City, that stupid simpletons
might stare at a stupid, senseless show ? And who would dream of
sitting squeezed and sweltering at what was called a " banquet,"
where, after scrambling for some soup and a slice of lukewarm
mutton (christened "venison" in the menu), you were doomed to
sit half-stifled and to listen to dull speeches which you vainly tried
to catch ?

But, now that women have their rights, and the Lady Mayoress
reigns as Empress of the City, how much altered for the better are
our old Civic ceremonials, since they have been confided to the care
of the fair sex ! In lieu of gingerbread state coaches, and men in
pasteboard ;armour, and tawdry flags and trappings, which of old
were suffered to impede the traffic of the City, and attracted crowds
of idlers to be plundered by the pickpockets and pommelled by the
roughs,—in place of this tomfoolery which was termed the Lord
Mayor's show, what is it that now constitutes the principal attrac-
tion of our Lady Mayoress's Day ? Let us briefly chronicle a part
of what occurs.

The happy day is welcomed by a peal of merry laughter from the
mouths of the Bow belles, who attend as maids in waiting on the
Lady Mayoress, and are alla-Gog (and Magog) for the Show. They
proceed to deck her Ladyship in her official robes, and scatter roses
in her path as she proceeds to the Guild Hall. Here the Show of
Civic Beauty is annually held, and the prettiest girls in London are
arranged for exhibition, previous to their reception and appearance
at the Ball. On the entrance of her Ladyship, the band strikes up
" See the Conquering Charmer Comes.'" and the young ladies all
drop curtseys, and present bouquets. In order to prevent blushes,
as well as scrambles for admission, the Show is strictly private, and
no unmarried reporter is permitted to intrude.

To satisfy the Public, a few photographs, however, are suffered to
be taken, and these are sold by auction, and the various civic chari-
ties share the proceeds of the sale.

After the Show, the Lady Mayoress entertains the fair assemblage
at an elegant repast of sugarplums and sweeties, whereat their
partners are by courtesy invited to assist, on production of certifi-
cates (signed by a Court Dancing-Master) that they are chatty in

square dances, as well as active and untiring in a galop or'a valse.
None but known good dancers are suffered to obtain an entrance to
the ball-room, and all chaperones and wallflowers are most rigidly
excluded. Dancing generally begins as soon as it is dark, and is
kept up with ceaseless vigour until midnight; when the Lady
Mayoress, being wiser than her foremothers, instead of sitting up
till daybreak, bids her guests good-night.

THE|INFALLIBLE TRUTH.;

" Whit is Truth ? " askediPiLATE,—

But that he asked in vain.
" 0! what Truth is," says Manning,

" 1 can soon make plain."

" Truth is this—this only—
The one Infallible Church ;
Doubt, and at Day of Judgment
You '11 find you 're in the lure h."

" Ach ! ist das so f " says Bismarck.

" Your notion is not mine."
" Ten times accursed," cries Manning ;

Says Bismarck, bravely, "iVem/"

Lord Redesdale says, " Inform me,
And you '11 oblige me much :

What thing can be Infallible
That does not ' act as such' ? "

Says Manning : " My good gracious !

You beg the question quite.
Can't you—or won't you—underttind ?

Whatever's right is Right !

" A Church divinely founded—
Is this not clear to you?—
Cannot but act divinely,
Whatever it may do.

" I hope that proposition

Has set your mind at rest ? "
Says Redesdale, very sharply,
"If it has, lam—blest!"

Powerful Peacemakers.

The Paris Correspondent of the Pall Mall Gazette, the other day
telegraphed as follows :—

"There are rumours to-day of a Kussian Circular inviting the Powers
signataries to the Treaty of Paris to a pacific intervention in the affairs of
Turkey."

If the Russian Circular were a Circular Ironclad, a summons from
such a pacificator, to judge by Mr. Reed's account of it, would
perhaps command attention.

Suggested Epitaph.

{For those who fell at Balaklava).

Death was our end, that end was great,
And saved us from a sadder fete.

Aristocracy and Ale.

The Hampshire Independent contains a statement that Mr. Bass
has declined a Peerage. If this is true, it shows the distinguished
Brewer to be a supporter of whom the Government thinks no small
beer; and. the House of Lords has failed of a reinforcement by one
more able man of business. It is whispered that the title destined
for the Honourable Gentleman was that of the " Earl oe Burton.'»

change oe name.

In consequence of a recent decision of the Lords of the Admiralty,
a distinguished sailor-officer will probably for the future change his
name from Tarleton to Tar-let-off.

" six to one and hale-a-dozen to the other."

The Sultan has now promised half the interest on his debts. No
doubt his Word will prove as good as his Bonds.