Punch: Punch (69.1875)

December 4, 1875.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

235

PUNCH ON THE RINK!

Part II.— The Abuse of Skating.

aa- hat'Skating^ on Wheels has

its uses having been proved,
Mr. Punch now turns his
attention to the abuses in-
separable with 1' Rinkular "
(bran new adjective) loco-
motion. " Abuse of the
Kink" can be heard in
great perfection by listen-
ing to .the talk of begin-
ners, and the murmurs of
the "engaged ones" who
do not skate, - but whose
"futures" do. f The Rink
has its enemies'like every-
thing else [in the world.
At Brighton, for instance,
where Skating on Wheels is
practised in four different
places, the foes of the Rink
are the Aquarium and the
New Pier. In London
(when London is London,
i.e., during the Season), the hated rivals of the Rink are Lord's and
the Row. But the Rink has its friends in the persons of managing
Mammas and ubiquitous Surgeons. The first superintend the
wounding of hardened hearts, and the last undertake the setting of
broken arms. Flirtation thrives on the asphalte, the cement, and
the wood, and many are the skaters who, while preserving their
heads, have unconsciously lost their hearts. Nowadays, the edu-
cation of that most wearisome of bores (in male society), the "ladies'
man," is scarcely complete unless it includes amongst " the extras"
a thorough knowledge of how to shout pretty things during the
performance of the "outside edge." He may be able to sing
" Waiting to Die,"Jie may have mastered the difficulties of mewing
like a cat, or barking like a dog, in obedience to the rules of some
"innocent game; " nay, he may have even gone so far as to wear a
scarf of many colours at a pic-nic, but unless he can skate upon
wheels his popularity with the fair sex will be a thing of the past.
Under these circumstances "ladies' men" can scarcely do better
than practise spouting poetry on wheels. A drill-sergeant might
be in attendance on these occasions to make suggestions. He might
stand in a corner, and when necessary observe, "A little louder, if
you please, Sir. i iYou can't 'ear that there bit of Tennxson at
twenty yards' distance. A little louder, if you please." The allu-
sion to the Poet Laureate naturally suggests the following lines,
which may be considered very encouraging and useful to begin-
ners :—

Early to tumble, early to rise,

Makes a man healthy, stealthy, and wise.

The health and the wisdom may possibly be open to argument, but
there can be no doubt about the stealth. The tiger creeping
towards the unconscious negro destined to serve ere long for an
al fresco dinner, is not more cautious in his movements than the
tyro who has put oil his skates for the first time.

Before teaching the young idea how to skate, Mr. Punch begs to
present the public with a few useful

KINK PROYERBS.

It is the early comer who gets the Rink all to himself.
A foot on the ground is worth two in the air.
Five minutes on the Rink is as good as enough.
Too many tumbles spoil the temper.

You may take a wise man to the Rink, but you cannot make him
skate.

Idleness is the root of all rinking.

Look before you tumble.

Give a puppy a bad start, and upset him.

It is a wise skater who knows his own absurdity.

Having unbosomed himself of the above encouraging maxims,
Mr. Punch takes the young beginner by the hand, or rather by the
ear, and gives him his practical advice on the subject of Skating.

Lesson the First—The Toe and Heel Step.

Stand up, with the feet turned out in the First Position. Now
walk away with the toes turned out, the heel of one foot placed
almost touching the toe of the other. Now give a sort of slide, and
over you go. First tumble.

This is an easy exercise, and should be well practised. When the
young beginner has mastered the falls in slow time, he should
attempt them in quick.

Lesson the Second—The Glide Step.
Stand up as before, with the feet turned out in the First Position.
Now take your right foot, and rest with your whole weight upon it.
Give a sort of push with your left leg, remove it from the ground
smartly, and you will find yourself Jreelining on the asphalte before
memory regains her hastily-deserted throne. Second tumble.

Lesson the Third—The Best Step.
Sit down, read Mr. Punch, take off your skates, and go home.

If these three Lessons are properly taken to heart, they will be
found almost more than enough for the most reckless of young
beginners.

And now as to falls.

It is easy enough to tumble (the merest child can manage it); but
to tumble with grace is quite a different matter. While you go
carefully you will never fall suddenly. Remember there will be
always a premonitory scramble, and this scramble will ever be found
amusing by those who take an interest in your eccentric evolutions.
Remember this, and make your scramble as quaint and intricate as
possible. Say that the scramble is over, and you are reclining on
the ground. (By the way, you will soon find yourself quite at home
on the ground.) And now is the time to improve your opportunity.

The Majestic Tumble should be adopted by statesmen, historians,
and dignitaries of the Church. The tumbler, ! on reaching _ the
ground, should strike an attitude as nearly resembling, as possible,
some well-known statue. " The Dying Gladiator'''' will be found
most effective. If the tumbler carries an umbrella, the upper
portion of " The Apollo Belvidere" may often be realised with
genuine success. Should the fall lack dignity, the tumbler should
at once assume the position of " Ajax defying the Lightning."

The Mysterious Crawl should be the favourite exercise of
Chancery barristers and sensation novelists. The crawler should
wrap his cloak about him, and seem to be inspecting the ground,
with a view to the discovery of a secret panel. If he notices that
he is observed by those who do not skate, he should immediately
draw a large wide-awake hat over his brow, and dissemble.

The Mirth-Moving Smash is a capital fall for Comic Men,
Amusing Rattles, and other pleasant persons belonging to similar
classes of society. All the smashed one has to do, is to imitate the
antics of a Christmas clown. Should he say, " Here we are again 1"
he will greatly add to the effect of the tumble. If he acts in amateur
theatricals (which it is to be hoped he does), he may exclaim, " 0,
what a fall was there, my countrymen! " Should he manage to
break his leg in the tumble, and thus lay himself up for a month, he
will find, on his return to society, that the accident has become even
more popular than the fall itself.

Before taking leave of the subject, Mr. Punch, in the interest of
the public, would call attention to the existence of a couple of

RINK NUISANCES.

The SnoVs Progress.—The Snob, after getting up his speed,
suddenly backs, and moves blind-fold amongst a crowd of ladies
and children. The result of this manoeuvre is a general stampede.
If the Snob is very quick he generally manages to knock over a
couple of young ladies, and half a dozen tender little boys and girls,
with results that often include broken arms and flattened noses.

The Fool's Slide.—The Fool bends his right leg until his head is
within two feet of the ground. He then extends his left foot so that
he appears to be a sort of natural " tea-pot." This vulgar inanity
may be sometimes seen near the Addison Road.

And now, Mr. Punch having written what Skating on Wheels is,
leaves it to his readers' imaginations to realise what Skating on
Wheels might be. One is a pleasant dream—the other an existing
nightmare. Mr. Punch refuses to say "which is which"—no, that,
for obvious reasons, should be left to the decision of Mr. Punch's
world-wide public, after they have tried the one and imagined the
other.

WHAT CAN WE DO FOR HIM?

Advertisers are not seldom prone to blowing their own trumpets,
but the following is rather an exception to the rule,:—

ABACHELOR, elderly and somewhat infirm, having a moderate
acquaintance with the Latin and Greek languages, and who is likewise
expert with a weeding hoe, seeks a HOME and EMPLOYMENT. A bracing
air and easy access to the services of the Church indispensable.—Address, &c.

A smattering of classics, and some little skill in hoeing, can
hardly be regarded as extraordinary acquirements; and we there-
fore cannot wonder that the advertiser makes no claim for any
salary, but contents himself with seeking for employment > and a
home. Perhaps he hopes to vary the monotony of hoeing by digging
out Greek roots: but these could little help him in the matter of his
maintenance, and he quite forgets to mention his necessity for food.
However bracing it may be, he can hardly live on air ; nor, except
as mental nutriment, can he expect to get much food by frequently
attending the service of the Church.