Punch: Punch (69.1875)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 25, 1875.

THE FESTIVE SEASON.

eiends with you,
my dear Punch,
must be legion.
Has any of them
sent you a Christ-
mas hamper yet ?
I see them plen-
tifully adver-
tised, prices from
one guinea, up-
wards. Hampers of
good cheer they are
no doubt, and cer-
tainly not hampers
upon social enjoy-
ment. But alas!
these other hampers, which nobody
need advertise, are pretty sure to
find their way to you, and me, and
most of us. Who can. hope to get
through Christmas without being
sorely hampered by such evils as the fol-
lowing ?—

Christmas boxers.
Family parties.
Roast beef dinners.
Festive doings.
Deep potations.

School bills.
Doctors' ditto.
Butchers', bakers',
and candlestick-
makers' ditto,

ditto. ] Mornings after.

I leave you to continue this imperfect list of real Christmas hampers. My boys are just
come home, and are dancing wildly round my study table. "What more can I do than sign

myself Yours plaintively,

Holly House, near Puddinghorough. A Chbistmas Maetve.

"HEARTS OE OAK."

{New Version.)

Come cheer up, my lads,

Never mind where you steer :
You've to add something more

To this wonderful year.
To perils we send you

Of fogs and of flukes,
Serapis chain-cables,

And rams like the Duke's !

Iron-clads are our ships,
Stoke- and Poke-rs our men ;

We always are ready—
Steady, boys, steady!—

To ram and to run-down
Again and again!

We ne'er see our friends

Till they 're well in the way ;
And, if they see us,

They can't wear, steer, or stay.
Through fogs we steam headlong,

Hang shoal or lee-shore :
If we go to the bottom,

John Bull will build more !

Iron-clads are our ships, &c.

The papers abuse us,—

We trust in " My Lords."
Confidential inquiries

Are better for Boards.
A Court Martial's finding

Aside may be thrust,
To our kind friends above

The decision we trust.

Iron-clads are our ships, &c.

An Indian Correspondent speaks of
"Cheetahs" being "hoodwinked." In
England, this operation is usually per-
formed not upon the "cheaters" but the
"cheated."

TENDER AND TRUE.

The Lords of the Admiralty have issued an advertisement, in-
viting Tenders for the raising of the Vanguard. Amongst the
thousandsof letters upon the subject received hourly at Whitehall,
the following seem to be the most promising :—

23^5, Pipemakers1 Buildings, St. Giles's Alley, W.C.,
My Loeds, December, 1875.

In answer to your advertisement about the raising of the
Vanguard, I beg to say that I am perfectly prepared to undertake
the task on the most reasonable terms. In reply to your condition
" that all parties tendering shall furnish evidence of their financial
ability to undertake the work," I beg to say that I have large con-
cessions in South America, and am a personal friend of His Excel-
lency the Baeon Munchausen. On receipt of five pounds and six
postage-stamps my tender shall be forwarded to you forthwith.

I am, my Lords, your obedient Servant,
Jeeemy Diddlee,
Knight Commander of the Golden
Fleece of Costa-Rica.
The Lords of the Admiralty, Whitehall.

The Retreat, Harwich.
My Loeds, December, 1875.

I shall be very pleased to undertake the raising of the
Vanguard. I see that you insist that "the scheme of proposed
operations shall be submitted with the tender." This regulation
seems to me a little harsh; but as I believe I am dealing with
honourable men, I feel no hesitation in sending you my recipe.
Take half-a-pound of common salt, a little salad oil, and a few
ounces of gunpowder, and mix them well together over a slow fire,
being careful to remove the scum as it rises to the surface. Now
get your steam-engine and balloon, and proceed as in ordinary cases
of hair-cutting by machinery. You will now find you have an
enormous lever-power at your command, and the heaviest weights
may be lifted with ease, and even impunity.

Trusting to your well-known courtesy and love of fair play to
keep this secret,—a wonder known only to a few, and shielded from
the curiosity of fools, knaves, and the knife-grinding and brush
manufacturing confraternity generally,

I remain, My Lords, your obedient servant,

Lunae Fise,
Companion of the Cold Rath, and only genuine
Pope of Rome.
The Lords of the Admiralty, Whitehall.

241, Paradise Parade, Clapham,
My Loeds, December, 1875. _

Without hesitation I accept your terms for the raising of
the Vanguard on behalf of my immediately - to - be - launched
company, "The British and Foreign Fleets Salvage Association,
Limited." You wish me to name a "lump sum" for the job.
Well, say four millions and a half, or, accepting a reduction for
short term—i.e., if cash can be banked before noon to-morrow—
£10,000. Also to give dates " for proposed commencement and pro-
bable end of operations." I intend to commence at once, and shall
very likely get the matter satisfactorily settled by the 1st of April,
1876. Warning you against any slanderous reports you may hear
about me in connection with my recent negotiations with the Court
of Bankruptcy,

I remain, my Lords, your obedient Servant,

A. Shaep,

Ex-Secretary of Seventy-Six Public Companies.
The Lords of the Admiralty, Whitehall, S.W.

My Loeds New Tor^ U- S' A"> December, 1875.

Youe advertisement has been cabled to me, and I accept it
right off the reel. Wire back lowest terms and I accept them,
knowing that you will be "businesslike," when I tell you that I
shall be happy to allow you all round a regular big commission.
You must sweeten down one of your conditions though. 1 ou say
"the ship must be raised and delivered whole, and not in pieces.'
This don't suit my book, as I should blow the silly old boat into