Punch: Punch (69.1875)

December 25, 1875.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

265

small potatoes. If I get you all the pieces that should satisfy you.
You might give the lot to the young 'uns home for the holidays to
put together. It would make a nice wholesome puzzle for them, and
keep 'em out of mischief.

My Lords, yours faithfully,
The Admiralty Lords, S amuel_ Slick. ^

Whitehall, England, Europe. Man of Business, U.S.A.

The Great Removing Repository, Bloomsbury.
My Lords, December, 1875.

In answer to your esteemed advertisement, I heg to say
that I shall he happy to undertake the removal of the Vanguard
from the bottom of the sea to any of Her Majesty's Docks.

I notice that you wish the ship to be delivered "in such a state
that she may be docked." May I ask whether you will have any
objection to her being packed in one of my large and commodious
vans, in which I am accustomed to remove families on the most
reasonable terms, and at the shortest notice possible ?
Awaiting your esteemed reply,

I am, my Lords, your humble obedient servant,

John Snooks,
Manager and Proprietor of the
Great Removing Repository, Bloomsbury.
The Lords of the Admiralty, Whitehall,

Mr Lobds, 85, Fleet Street, E.C., Decemher, 1875.

I have the honour to inform you that I shall be delighted
to undertake the raising of the Vanguard on the following condition.
I propose to descend to the bottom of the sea (where I shall remain
half an hour) and I shall expect all of you to accompany me. I
shall wear a diver's dress, and you can appear in full official costume.
As the result of our little expedition will most probably result in a
change in the government of the Admiralty, I am sure the scheme
I propose will meet with the enthusiastic approbation of the British
Public.

I have the honour to be, My Lords,

With all the respect you deserve to receive,
Tour Lordships' to command,
The Lords of the Admiralty. ^WL~N&]%.

CHRISTMAS "CRACKERS."

oob cheer being the rule of Mis-
rule, and Mis-rule the rule of
Christmas-tide, the operation
of roasting the Baron of Beef
for the Christmas festivities at
Windsor Castle will be con-
ducted with the usual cere-
monies on Christmas Eve, by
the Yeomen of the Guard (the
tfeei-eaters), m the presence 'of Garter King-at-Arms, the junior
Bishop of the House of Lords, the Warden of the Standards, the
Barons of the Exchequer (the New Judicature Act expressly re-
serves their right to the dripping), and the Hydrographer to the

Admiralty. Each of these distinguished personages will, in turn,
baste the Baron appropriately (decorated with the Union Jack,) while
the choir of St. George's sing " 0 ! the Roast Beef of Old England /"
newly set by Pbofessob Lively, Mus. Doc. Oxon.

The papers to be read at the Society of Arts between Christmas
and Easter, will most probably be on Polygamy, Vingt-et-un, the
Advantages of Early Rising, Kinks and Sinking, Double Acrostics
(the Loed Mayob and Sheriffs to preside at the distribution of
prizes), Night Lights, Hair Dyes (with practical illustrations),
Mineral Waters, Second-hand Clothes, Pickles and Preserves, and
Torpedoes (with experiments), and Bicycling.

A great revolution is about to take place in the curriculum of
studies at Eton. After the vacation, instruction in Field Sports,
Horsemanship, Practical Land Surveying, Painting in Oil and
Water Colours, Yocal and Instrumental Music, Road-making, Civil
Engineering (including boring, blasting and tunnelling), Natural
History (with frequent country excursions), and Pyrotechny, will
be given to any boy who shall signify his desire (in writing), to the
Head Master to substitute these branches of useful learning for the
study of the ancient Greek and Roman authors, and Mathematics.

A report is prevalent that the Albert Hall is to be converted into
a grand Skating Rink.

It is in contemplation to give a series of popular Lectures,
amusing Readings, and Musical Entertainments (including an exhi-
bition of the Magic Lantern) during the holidays, in which the
Dean and Chapter and the entire Cathedral staff will take part, in
aid of the project for supplying St. Paul's with a peal of bells.

A rumour is afloat that the Lords of the Admiralty intend to take
a cruise in the Iron Duke to the Scilly Islands and Isle of Mull—to
start on the 24th of this month.

It is said to be the intention of the Peime Minister to appoint
either a retired Cabinet Minister or an ex-Colonial Governor to the
Secretaryship to the Local Government Board, vacant by the re-
signation of Me. Read, M.P. The place of Secretary to the Civil
Service Commission will most probably be filled by a former Lord of
the Admiralty.

A Company is in process of formation for the construction of an
Underground Railway to connect the Crystal and Alexandra
Palaces.

A gigantic Christmas-Tree will be on view in Westminster Hall
on Boxing-Night. The proceeds will be added to the fund which is
being raised to assist the Yestries and other public bodies in keeping
the streets of London passable on the occurrence of another snow-
storm.

Great News! No more School-rates for London! The City
Companies have unanimously resolved to unite in bearing the entire
expenses of all the Schools now under the control of the School-
Board.

The Government are understood to be in negotiation with His
Highness the Khedive for the purchase and transfer of the Great
Pyramid to Lincoln's Inn Fields—an area which it has always been
calculated this stupendous monument of antiquity would exactly
fill. Should the bargain be completed, the Sphinx, it is said, will
be thrown in, and placed" in front of the official residence of the
Fibst Loed of the Tbeasuey in Downing Street.

It is gratifying to learn that the Works to be expressly composed
for the New Opera House on the Thames Embankment are all on
national themes. Heee Wagnee is engaged night and day on a
romantic opera which deals with the eventful annals of the Tower
of London. Gounod has selected for his subject the Insurrection of
Wat Tylee ; and Offenbach's sprightly powers will have full
scope for display in the story of Robinson Crusoe. Yeedi may also
contribute. If so, his libretto will be founded on the Spanish
Armada. Aethtje Sullivan has chosen the history of Boadicea.

Try it!

Deae Mb. Punch,

I am about to write to my creditors to inform them that
cannot conveniently pay their bills for some little time.

Would it be a correct image if I were to suggest to them that
am, in fact, " up a Christmas-tree " ?

Yours faithfully,
Dec. 20th. Micawbee.

to oue own (edlpuses.

Punch congratulates his Readers and Correspondents who have
cracked his first double (acrostic) nut—and found M. P. and P. M.
inscribed on its brace of Kernels.

No Feae !—A rude Boy says that his Uncle, Me. Scbeweb, is so
careful of his balance, that there is not the least fear of his over-
tipping on Boxing-Day.