Punch (80.1881)

34

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 22, 1881.

OUR NEW BOGEYS.

One is called a Fenian; the
other a Nihilist. The Fenian is
the most dreaded, as he is a Home
or domestic demon. He causes
water-pipes to burst, the Thames
to overflow, and the gas to burn
badly; he creates the fogs to
choke and blind us, and the mud
to spoil our clothes. He corrupts
cabmen and makes them abuse
and overcharge us, he makes ser-
vants insolent, and theatrical at-
tendants rapacious. He encou-
rages the Billingsgate fish-ring
in their dirt, and the Duke of
MtTDFOKD in his obstinacy and
obstructiveness. He inspires the
Meddlevex Magistrates with re-
strictive notions and contempt
for Magna Charta and the Bill of
Rights. This may seem Anti-
Fenian, but it is a peculiarity of
Extremists to be a little incon-
sistent. He upholds the Water-
Monopoly and their extravagant
demands, and he stands in the
way of author and fair and sen-
sible copyright. He does all he
can, in fact, to make life not
worth living.

The Nihilist is a foreign demon,
with a curious passion for clock-
work. He is credited with many
offences of which he is probably
not guilty. He is accused of
placing dynamite on railways, of
setting fire to Custom-houses, and
other outrages; and he and his
brother Bogey, the Fenian, have
caused the Volunteers to look
sharply after their arms, and the
policemen after their truncheons.

New Department at Scot-
land Yard.—The Criminal In-
stigation Department.

PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 15.

*1 b K1

CAPTAIN SHAW—THE FIRE-KINO.

" Through fire
I do wander everywhere."

Midsummer Night's Dream..

" Oh, did you never hear of a jolly young fireman 1"—Ballad adapted.

A NEW IRISH MELODY.

(As Sung by the Premier.)
Air—" Break, break, break ! "

Talk, talk, talk,

In thy cold calm tones, 0 "P." !
And I would I might utter the
language

That sometimes occurs to me!

0 well for Lord B. that he sits
As a Peri among the Peers !

0 well for the Radical "Reds,"
With their "warnings," and
worry, and jeers!

And the stately Whigs go on

Demanding a moderate Bill.
But 0 for a prison for Paknell
and Dillon,
That the Land-Leaguers' voice
may be still!

Talk, talk, talk.

In thy cold calm tones, 0 " P." !
But the tender grace of your style
just now

Shall never bamboozle me!

A Capital Title.

A meeting of West Kent Farm-
ers was held the other night at
Bromley in Kent, " under the
auspices of the Farmers' Alli-
ance, in support of Mr. Inder-
wick's Bill to amend the Ex-
traordinary Tithes Act." This
Tithes Act "imposes a tax upon
improved cultivation of the land."
It certainly has, in a sense, the
advantage of an extraordinarily
good name. As an Act discou-
raging Agricultural improvement,
the Extraordinary Tithes Act
must be allowed to be an extraor-
dinary Act indeed ! Such an Act
should be amended altogether.

OUR OWN CITY COMMISSION.

(Sittings Resumed after Christmas Holidays.)
The Beadle.

Our Commissioner. Pray, Sir, what are you ?
Beadle. I am the Beadle of the Worshipful Company of Bellows-
Menders.

O. C. What are your principal duties ?

B. They are so numerous as to be rather difficult to describe.

O. C. More numerous than important, perhaps.

B. That, Sir, will be for you to judge.

O. C. Describe some of them.

B. I have to deliver all notices of meetings to the Master, War-
dens and Court of Assistants, and occasionally to the whole of our
Livery.

O. C. But could you not send them by Post ?

B. It has never been the practice of the Worshipful Company
of Bellows-Menders to employ mere Postmen, except in very extreme
cases.

O. C. And why not, for goodness' sake ?

B. We shouldn't consider it consistent with our dignity.

O. C. Ah, I see! Proceed.

B. I live at the Hall, and have to see that it is kept in proper
condition, and the rooms prepared for all customary meetings.
O. C. Don't you keep any servants then ?
B. Oh, yes, plenty of 'em, but I superintend them.
O. C. Proceed, Sir.

B. I have to arrange with our Contractor for our various State
Banquets, and to act as taster on those important occasions, so as to
be able to vouch, from actual experience, that the early peas, the
early strawberries, the early sparrowgrass, and the early grapes, are
what they profess to be.

O. C. Dear me, that must be a very trying duty.

B. It is so, Sir; but it is a duty from which I never shrink, and

never will. Why, I have sometimes paid as much as two guineas a
pound for Grapes, so I am obligated to see we are not imposed upon.
O. C. Two guineas a pound for grapes !

B. Yes, but they were remarkably fine, and a Royal Dook even
praised them.

O. C. Did he indeed ! What else ?

B. I have to get the cheques changed into £5 notes and half-crowns
for the Court's Fees.

O. C. Why in that particular form ?

B. They each receive a £5 note and two half-crowns. It used to
be the custom to put the half-crowns into the Poor Box, but, some
time ago, one of them moved that £50 should be put in at Christmas,
out of the Company's Funds, instead of the half-crowns, so now they
wrap them up in their £5 notes, and quietly pocket the lot.

0. C. From what I gather from the Master and from you, the
Company seems to have an enormous income.

B. Fortune has smiled upon the Worshipful Bellows-Menders.

O. C. So it seems. Can you give me any special case ?

B. Yes, Sir, I can. The one Member of our Company whose
name we reverence above that of all other men, is Simon Slodge,
who, as I have often heard our Reverend Chaplain say, " in the true
spirit of a patriotic Bellows-Mender," left us £20,000 "to enjoy
ourselves," and, as our Worshipful Master would say, we devote
every shilling of it in accordance with the will of the pious Donor.

O. C. No doubt of it.

B. We hold a Grand Festival on St. Simon's Day every year, and
drink in solemn silence to his pious memory. On one occasion, I
remember; when we had a rather unlearned Master, he made a
curious mistake, and actually proposed the health of St. Simon !

O. C. Some of your Masters are, I suppose, what are called self-
made men.

B. Yes; but I always take charge of them at dinner, keep them
straight with the Toasts, and never leave 'em till it's all over.

O. C. Have you any singular customs in connection with your
Company ?