Punch (80.1881)

142

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Mabch 26, 1881.

AN IRISH PARLIAMENT.

The unfinished Opera-House on
the Embankment, which has for
long been as desolate as Balclu-
tha, is at length to be completed,
but it will not be according to
the intentions of its original pro-
moters. The debenture-holders
have allowed Mr. Mapleson to
hand the property over to two
gentlemen, to be turned into an
hotel or suites of rooms like those
'' sky-parlours'' which tower high
into the air at Saint Anne's Grate.
So far, so good; but we would
suggest a further use for the big
building, which will assuredly,
as prospectuses of new companies
say, '' commend itself to the pub-
lic." Let a large hall in it be set
aside for the reception of the Irish
Members of Parliament. Let it
be comfortably and substantially
furnished, so that the chairs and
benches cannot be broken, with
no fire-irons, heavy books, or
inkstands lying about, while sur-
rounding the principal apartment
there should be a number of small
padded rooms into which any
gentleman might be locked who
was in danger of hurting himself
or others in the heat of debate.
To this supplementary saloon to
the House of Commons, the Irish
Members might be escorted by
Captain Gosset whenever they
felt Obstruction coming on very
badly, and only allowed to return
when they had worked it off on
each other. Here is a hint for the
new proprietors of the proposed
building, which, if acted upon,
will earn them the eternal grati-
tude of the " faithful Commons."

PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 24.

" BLACK" ART.

The Atmospheric Novelist coming out with " Sunrise," in
which he does not try to " point a moral," but "a bawn
a Tale."

A BALLAD FOR BRADFORD.

"A meeting of Yorkshire farmers
was held to consider the best means
of alleviating the present depression
in the Bradford trade. The meeting
came to the resolution to appeal to
Her Royal Highness to countenance,
by her example, an effort to change
the fashion in favour of the Bradford
goods. . . . Samples have been
already forwarded to Her Royal High-
ness."—Times.

Sad it was to see it dwindle,
All the work for loom and spindle ;
Yorkshire then took heart of grace,
Rose the farmer in his place,
And from all the hills and dales
To the fair Princess of Waxes
Came petition she would care
Frock of Bradford wool to wear ;
If the fairest in the land
Donned it, all would understand
'Twas the fashion. Not in vain
Did they plead, for she will deign
To wear wool of chosen sample.
Ladies, follow her example !

Change of Name.

It is said that the Hon. Fel-
lowes-Wallop, second son of
Lord Portsmouth, is about to
contest North Hants in the Liberal
interest, and try to wrest this
division from the hands of the
Tories, who have held it firmly
for many years. We wish him
success, and hope he will be
known in future as the Hon.
Wallop-Tory-Fellows.

Enthusiasm.—The Artists' Vo-
lunteer Corps will offer to serve
seven years with the colours.

OPENED BY MISTAKE.

{Gam and Kettle Department, G. P. 0.)
The Earl of B-c-nsf-ld to Sir W. V. H-rc-rt.

My deah Sir William:,

_ Since circumstances, as much beyond the limits of my
conception as outside the region of my control, have consigned me
to the decorous dulness of the "illustrious and ancient House," I
have, believe me, watched the progress of one career in that " other
place," the memory of which I still respectfully cherish, with a
sympathy and solicitude frequently as decisive as they have been
indefinite. _ But why should I fall back, in a private communication
such as this, upon the phantasmagoria of phrase ? When making
my exodus from that crowd, where the brutalities of debate, if
obvious, were at least sufficiently spiced with some personal pun-
gency, I began to fear that I had entered into the dignity that
waited me above without remembering to let fall my mantle upon
other shoulders as I passed from below. But I am immensely re-
assured. The vigorous and malignant satire, once supposed to be my
special possession and privilege, has, so my parliamentary reading
informs me, by no means passed away, as the powerful poetaster
now rising among us expresses it, " like an evil dream." If I was
once the Nepaul pepper of the Commons, you are now their Can-
tharides. My dear Sir William, let me congratulate you. My
mantle has not merely fallen on your shoulders—it has enveloped,
your head. And this brings me to the subject-matter of my letter.

You have, I take it, been paying me that highest court—the court
of imitation ; and flattered as I am to the full by this sincere homage,
I cannot I feel more exhaustively acknowledge the compliment than
by adding a few hints that may be beneficial to you in your new role.
To begin with, My dear Sir William, remember that if you are
sharp you may, at least, be shallow : and that to be accurate is not
so essentia^ as to be acute. I do not know whether, the exigencies
of party being eliminated, we differ deeply—say on the question of
Candahar; but, diverging or in sympathy, we can, at least, take it
as an illustration for instruction. What do I know of Candahar ?

I know that in the columns of the daily papers it is usual to spell it
with a " C," but here my intimate acquaintance with it begins and
ends. I have heard of Ghuznee. I have heard of Merv. North-
brook tells me that I must not confound the latter with Margate:
and there is some reasonableness in this suggestion. I cannot say
that I have ever confounded it absolutely with Margate : but I
should be sorry to have to point out its exact position on the shores
of the Caspian. And do I know in the least where the Caspian is to
be found ? What bounds it on the North ? Certainly not. Why
should I ?

I can refer to Balkh; to Herat; and to—what is that other place ?
—I forget its name—but no matter—and rattle " the key of India"
effectively in the ears of those who look to me for the frontier, the
Scientific Frontier, which that City dinner presented to me suddenly
as a revelation, and in which, Lytton, the anchorite and enthusiast
of geographical rectification, "has believed devoutly and divinely ever
since. I have, I think, in the respectable rhapsody of a Lords' de-
bate, referred to Candahar as the Gibraltar of the Indus. This was
when I had pictured it washed by the, blue waters_ of .the Sea of
Aral. Now that I hear it is about four hundred miles from any-
where, I should rather describe it as the Rosherville of the Caucasus.
Some day I may come across it in a map, and then some new dis-
covery as to its precise location may inspire me with a fresher and
flashier phrase. The Billingsgate of Bokhara sounds well. But do
not let me, my dear Sir William, be misunderstood. I am not be-
yond facts. I am only above them. I _ would rather ape the man-
nerisms of a matured mystic than attain mediocrity as a master of
mere matter of fact. We may diverge politically; but we have
much in common. We both have succumbed to the seductive plea-
sure that may be summed up in those two words '' to startle and to
sting." There is an ancient Assyrian proverb that says—but never
mind. I think we understand each other. Meantime, should you
doubt my candour, let me re-assure you. Let me put my " Scientific
Frontier " on paper. Here you are:—

Explanation.—(1) Bridge of Boats leading to Herat; (2) Monthly Maga-
zine; (3) Site for the Statue of Empress; (4) Projected Military Road;
(5) Bathing Machine; (6) Supposed position of Ghuznee; (7) Spur of the
Hindooh-koosh ?