Punch (30.1856)

June 14, 1S56.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

243

A YOUNG LADY'S LAMENT.
(by herself.)
Surely the Almanack makers
Have played us a mis-
chievous trick,
We shall soon have the
Waits for our wakers,
And ice on t he Serpentine
thick.
My dears, shake the moths
from each wrapper
Of ermine, chinchilla, ra-
coon ;
And pull down that silly fly-
trapper,
Is this the beginning of
June ?


My flowers had just peeped
up, aud hinted,
But were cruelly nipped
in the bud,
And Spring's Fairy Foot-
steps are printed
With a well-clogged kid
boot on the mud.
" Is there any stove-orna-
ment wanted ? "
0 child, you may scream
for a buyer,
But gilt shavings have long
been supplanted
By the best of grate-orna-
ments—fire.
Papa took ns girls to the Races,
(The Oaks, not the Derby, of course)
And there, as we sat with blue faces,
We picked out our favourite horse.
Poor Mermaid, to think, with that breeze on,
Of grottoes, and waves washing by :
The horse for that Christmas-like season
Was the very fit winner, Mince Pie.
Then that night in the Park, how we trembled,
The turf was so damp to the feet;
I fancied the fire-rain resembled
A species of glorified sleet.
Cousin Fbank stuck both hands in It's pockets,
(What rude selfish, creatures men are),
And declared he would give all the i ockets
For a single full-flavoured cigar.
One can't take a walk in the garden,
There's nothing but drip from the trees,
The paths have no leisure to harden,
I really do wish they would freeze.
Then dear Mr. Mitchell's Vivarium,
The pleasantest refuge I know,
While we 're kept in this constant Aquarium,
(As Frank says) how is one to go ?
0, when shall we put on light dresses,
The darling new pets of the spring,
And when will my Hound Hat, and Jessy's,
Be—what is it ?—" voted the thing ? "
And when will the season, advancing,
Let picnics and yachting prevail;
Aud a Midsummer Night's Dream (and dancing)
Succeed to the dull Winter's Tale?
Regent's Park,
P.S. Dear Mr. Punch, A few fine days seemed to come on purpose
to put my complaint out of date, but I am certain it will rain again
before you publish; and, besides, what do vou say to this East Wind ?

Cardigan at Oxford.
Mr. Punch,—We see down here that they've been and made the
Earl of Cardigan a D. C. L. What does that mean ? There's a
good many 'pinions about it hern in the camp, but I say D. C. L. is
meant to meau Decent Cavalry Leader ; and if it is, isn't it too bad ?
Why wasn't Lord Luc an, to make things even, D—d, and C—d, and
ljr~A' tooP " Yours, Aldershott."

A SHOCKING PLAYHOUSE CASE.
Is there no philanthropic, no sanitary asylum at Stirling ? A poor
creature who, stark, staring in green posters, signs himself " P.
Drummond," is an object that demands immediate, compassionate aid of
the humane and gentle. He cannot abide a show of any sort, and foams
at the mouth like ginger-beer in July at the sight of a playbill. Hence,
on a late theatrical visit—("the Theatre is to visit our town," he writes)
—P. Drummond called upon "every master and every head of a house-
hold " to forbid holidays, and refuse customary pocket-money to the
young and thoughtless, in order to keep them from a playhouse ; which
upon his own authority he denounced, in very large letters complimen-
tary to the great fiend, as "The Synagogue of Satan." After this
fashion, the leading tragedy-man must be Beelzebub's chief rabbi.
Further, P. Drummond is much comforted with hope for ihe future, by
what has been wrought for the past: for he says—
" When Sir Benjamin HALn was so determined to continue his Sabbath desecrating
Bands—at the performance of which not fewer than a quarter of a million attended
last Lord's-day in London—the Lord God brought his plans to nought by listening to
his people's prayers, and blessing their efforts: So let us pray and act against the
impending evil, and will God not bless our efforts, and rid our town very soon of tht
Theatre-abominations ? "
Men like P. Drummond are always very intimate with Providence ;
and therefore speak of its behests with all the familiarity of personal
acquaintance. Unhappily, however, for P. D., the "people's prayers"
have not pr.yed down ihe Sunday Music, any more we take it than
the prayer of Drummond and Co. will cause the earth to yawn and
swallow up the Stirling playhouse, the players, with all their scenery
and decorations. In the meantime what is to he done with the poor
man—with the hapless Drummond himself P For ourselves we would
advise a long and patient course of sedatives. Let him be immediately
conveyed to town by easy stages. When arrived in London, let there
be taken for him a small private box at the Princess's Theatre, but
sufficiently large to accommodate himself and two keepers. Let
him every night for not less than a whole week take two hours of
Mr. Charles Kean's Shaksfeare—allowing it is to be had—his
Shakspeare pure and simple, unadulterated by scenery, dress, and
decoration—and if the man ever speaks or writes of a theatre again we
give him up as altogether hopeless. We have, however, great faith in
the efficacy of what we have advisedly prescribed.

The Benefit of the Sea Air.

A Newspaper paragraph informs us, that Mr. Braham, the vocalist,
on his passage from Spain, in crossing the Bay of Biscay, sang 1he Bay
of Biscay on the spot for the amusement of his fellow-passengers. We
have no doubt that the song was capitally sung; but, had there been a
sudden lurch, and had the vocalist been affected iu the usual way by
rough weather, there might have been a variation of a rather novel
character. We think an air from Maria Stuarda would have been
aopropriate to the situation ; or, perhaps, the beautiful morceau of
Bella Siccome would have come from the mouth of the singer with much
force and finish.
Sensible Peculiarity.
Mr. Blandowski, iua paper in the Transactions of the Philosophical
Society at Victoria (for the colonies are growing philosophical, bad
news as it is for the Colonial Office) says that he met with a camp of
the Goulburn Aborigines at Seymour, and fouud among them some
"peculiar customs." One of these is a law that a Bridegroom "must
never see his wife's mother after the espousals, and if she should
approach him, he must cover up his eyes." And we dare to call these
people ignorant savages! _
lines to j. b. cantuar.
J. B. Cantuar, Cant you ever will be,
And Cant you always were, most Reverend J. B.

french cost of speech.

A Man has been found guilty in France, and sentenced to five years'
imprisonment, for having in a public carriage spoken against, the
Emperor ! After this, who will be bold enough to speak for him ?

Going it on Sunday.—The Sabbatarians do not object to riding on
Sundays, provided that the pace is a canter.

WANTED A SITUATION.—A person who has moved (a little
irregularly) in good society, that is as good as could be made available, is induced
by circumstances to advertise for a new place. With a lively recollection of the saga-
city of the canine quadruped that walked down-stairs, when the window was about to be
opened to fling him into the street, Otho of Athens offers himself to any Kingdom or
State in want of a father to the country Has no objec'iou to Madagascar if with a
eompensatiag civil list. Letters to be addressed to King's Court, Munich. Losr.
Palmerston is not to be applied to for testimonials o character.